style="font-size:15px;"> 'Then how do you account for my knowing when the thing is due?' Conroy's voice rose almost to a break.
'Of course, but you should have consulted a doctor before using-palliatives.'
'It was driving me mad. And now I can't give them up.'
''Not so bad as that! One doesn't form fatal habits at twenty-five. Think again. Were you ever frightened as a child?'
'I don't remember. It began when I was a boy.'
'With or without the spasm? By the way, do you mind describing the spasm again?'
'Well,' said Conroy, twisting in the chair, 'I'm no musician, but suppose you were a violin-string-vibrating-and some one put his finger on you? As if a finger were put on the naked soul! Awful!'
'So's indigestion-so's nightmare-while it lasts.'
'But the horror afterwards knocks me out for days. And the waiting for it … and then this drug habit! It can't go on!' He shook as he spoke, and the chair creaked.
'My dear fellow,' said the doctor, 'when you're older you'll know what burdens the best of us carry. A fox to every Spartan.'
'That doesn't help me. I can't! I can't!' cried Conroy, and burst into tears.
'Don't apologise,' said Gilbert, when the paroxysm ended. 'I'm used to people coming a little-unstuck in this room.'
'It's those tabloids!' Conroy stamped his foot feebly as he blew his nose. 'They've knocked me out. I used to be fit once. Oh, I've tried exercise and everything. But-if one sits down for a minute when it's due-even at four in the morning-it runs up behind one.'
'Ye-es. Many things come in the quiet of the morning. You always know when the visitation is due?'
'What would I give not to be sure!' he sobbed.
'We'll put that aside for the moment. I'm thinking of a case where what we'll call anæmia of the brain was masked (I don't say cured) by vibration. He couldn't sleep, or thought he couldn't, but a steamer voyage and the thump of the screw-'
'A steamer? After what I've told you!' Conroy almost shrieked. 'I'd sooner …'
'Of course not a steamer in your case, but a long railway journey the next time you think it will trouble you. It sounds absurd, but-'
'I'd try anything. I nearly have,' Conroy sighed.
'Nonsense! I've given you a tonic that will clear that notion from your head. Give the train a chance, and don't begin the journey by bucking yourself up with tabloids. Take them along, but hold them in reserve-in reserve.'
'D'you think I've self-control enough, after what you've heard?' said Conroy.
Dr. Gilbert smiled. 'Yes. After what I've seen,' he glanced round the room, 'I have no hesitation in saying you have quite as much self-control as many other people. I'll write you later about your journey. Meantime, the tonic,' and he gave some general directions before Conroy left.
An hour later Dr. Gilbert hurried to the links, where the others of his regular week-end game awaited him. It was a rigid round, played as usual at the trot, for the tension of the week lay as heavy on the two King's Counsels and Sir John Chartres as on Gilbert. The lawyers were old enemies of the Admiralty Court, and Sir John of the frosty eyebrows and Abernethy manner was bracketed with, but before, Rutherford Gilbert among nerve-specialists.
At the Club-house afterwards the lawyers renewed their squabble over a tangled collision case, and the doctors as naturally compared professional matters.
'Lies-all lies,' said Sir John, when Gilbert had told him Conroy's trouble. 'Post hoc, propter hoc. The man or woman who drugs is ipso facto a liar. You've no imagination.'
''Pity you haven't a little-occasionally.'
'I have believed a certain type of patient in my time. It's always the same. For reasons not given in the consulting-room they take to the drug. Certain symptoms follow. They will swear to you, and believe it, that they took the drug to mask the symptoms. What does your man use? Najdolene? I thought so. I had practically the duplicate of your case last Thursday. Same old Najdolene-same old lie.'
'Tell me the symptoms, and I'll draw my own inferences, Johnnie.'
'Symptoms! The girl was rank poisoned with Najdolene. Ramping, stamping possession. Gad, I thought she'd have the chandelier down.'
'Mine came unstuck too, and he has the physique of a bull,' said Gilbert. 'What delusions had yours?'
'Faces-faces with mildew on them. In any other walk of life we'd call it the Horrors. She told me, of course, she took the drugs to mask the faces. Post hoc, propter hoc again. All liars!'
'What's that?' said the senior K.C. quickly. 'Sounds professional.'
'Go away! Not for you, Sandy.' Sir John turned a shoulder against him and walked with Gilbert in the chill evening.
To Conroy in his chambers came, one week later, this letter:
DEAR MR. CONROY-If your plan of a night's trip on the 17th still holds good, and you have no particular destination in view, you could do me a kindness. A Miss Henschil, in whom I am interested, goes down to the West by the 10.8 from Waterloo (Number 3 platform) on that night. She is not exactly an invalid, but, like so many of us, a little shaken in her nerves. Her maid, of course, accompanies her, but if I knew you were in the same train it would be an additional source of strength. Will you please write and let me know whether the 10.8 from Waterloo, Number 3 platform, on the 17th, suits you, and I will meet you there? Don't forget my caution, and keep up the tonic. – Yours sincerely,
'He knows I'm scarcely fit to look after myself,' was Conroy's thought. 'And he wants me to look after a woman!'
Yet, at the end of half an hour's irresolution, he accepted.
Now Conroy's trouble, which had lasted for years, was this:
On a certain night, while he lay between sleep and wake, he would be overtaken by a long shuddering sigh, which he learned to know was the sign that his brain had once more conceived its horror, and in time-in due time-would bring it forth.
Drugs could so well veil that horror that it shuffled along no worse than as a freezing dream in a procession of disorderly dreams; but over the return of the event drugs had no control. Once that sigh had passed his lips the thing was inevitable, and through the days granted before its rebirth he walked in torment. For the first two years he had striven to fend it off by distractions, but neither exercise nor drink availed. Then he had come to the tabloids of the excellent M. Najdol. These guarantee, on the label, 'Refreshing and absolutely natural sleep to the soul-weary.' They are carried in a case with a spring which presses one scented tabloid to the end of the tube, whence it can be lipped off in stroking the moustache or adjusting the veil.
Three years of M. Najdol's preparations do not fit a man for many careers. His friends, who knew he did not drink, assumed that Conroy had strained his heart through valiant outdoor exercises, and Conroy had with some care invented an imaginary doctor, symptoms, and regimen, which he discussed with them and with his mother in Hereford. She maintained that he would grow out of it, and recommended nux vomica.
When at last Conroy faced a real doctor, it was, he hoped, to be
