It spans nationalities, cultures, industries and disciplines. When I mention the subtitle of this book, the near first thing that people say is, ‘I could buy that book for someone I work with’.
We all know people who are not cool to work with. These people often say the wrong thing, lack self-awareness, let their ego walk in the door before they do, and have a natural talent for being a dick. But if we dare to be truly honest, most of us have fallen into the trap of being a lesser version of ourselves. Who hasn't walked away from a situation with regret biting at your heels, saying to yourself something along the lines of, ‘What was I thinking?’ or ‘Why did I say that?’ or (my personal favourite) ‘Why did I have to be such a dick?’
Throughout the book I'll talk a lot about being a ‘remarkable’ colleague, leader, person and friend. So what is ‘remarkable’? It is most often used to mean extraordinary, exceptional, amazing, wonderful or sensational. Getting to this level often seems near impossible. Being remarkable 100 per cent of the time is impossible. We just need to ask our spouse, parents, kids or close friends to know this is true. Aiming for perfection is not really good for us, so being remarkable, all the time, can seem an unreasonable quest.
What I am talking about when I refer to someone as remarkable is, remark-able – as in, that person is so good, in the way they communicate and collaborate, that people can't stop remarking on them, talking about them, referring to them. If we find something remarkable it means we want to talk about it, and in a good way. Being remarkable is the opposite of being a dick.
So how can we recognise those ‘opposite’ people? Those who are not impressive, amazing or sensational? Some of the obvious clues are when they:
• have too many wines at work functions and lose all ability to operate a moral compass
• give loud feedback across the open-plan office
• bark orders to people around them (especially to people they consider ‘under’ them)
• call their colleagues losers
• simply can't stop telling others why they are so awesome.
Unfortunately it's more common than not. And being unremarkable is not just about the obvious scenarios. There are also those who:
• don't speak up when someone needs defending
• avoid giving feedback to their team members so they are not given the opportunity to improve
• speak poorly of others behind their backs
• don't do what they say they are going to
• ask for your opinion but never heed your advice
• negotiate poor deals with customers for fear of losing them.
Unremarkable behaviour is anything that pushes people away from communicating and collaborating well with others.
I've researched the stats on disengaged employees. I was once an accountant, and I am fully aware of the costs to individuals and organisations. I've seen the impacts that unremarkable people have. It's not pretty, and unfortunately so many people accept it as the norm. ‘Dicks are everywhere’, people say with a sigh and resignation, or in frustration and pain.
We will look at the costs and impacts for organisations in the next chapter but firstly is it important to understand the effect that being a dick has on the people around us, and on our ability to inspire and lead others.
• Dicks are people we avoid. They push others away with their actions, their inactions or their words. They may not be included in emails, meetings, social gatherings, or asked their opinions and ideas. They may not be aware they are being bypassed, but they are.
• Dicks are people we don't trust or respect. Their lack of interest or excessive self-interest, lack of rapport and lack of compassion does not engender trust and respect. It has the opposite effect. When people don't respect you or trust you, good luck building meaningful and fruitful relationships.
• Dicks are people that don't make the best decisions. If they think their idea is the best idea, they pretend to include others in decision-making. If their knowledge makes them the only expert, expect flawed decision-making. After all, their truth is only one side of the story; it needs to be combined with other people's truths before the ‘real truth’ emerges.
• Dicks are people that find it difficult to influence others. The lack of inclusion, respect and compassion they demonstrate means it becomes difficult to inspire and influence others. If you can't influence others to get things done, it makes doing your job feel like pushing shit up a hill.
• Dicks are people that push others away. Whether they are aware of it or not, they repel others from collaborating and really connecting. When people are focused on themselves first and foremost they can push people away with their directness, ‘rightness’ and need to win. It comes at a cost.
• Dicks are people at all levels. Many people presume that being more senior, continuing to get promotions or being known for their expertise means that they must be remarkable. This is a big ego trap. There are plenty of unremarkable leaders at senior levels.
We've all worked with dicks, and if you are being honest and courageous you'll admit that you've also been one from time to time. I have been a dick at times. I wish I could turn back the clock. What I do know is that with the right self-awareness tools and regular practice, I get better every week, every month, every year. Just ask my friends and family (well, maybe not my ex). Mostly I'm improving. While this book is about tackling the arguably less complicated relationships (being those at work, rather than those close to home), the concepts, ideas and thinking all apply to both.
I could have called this book ‘Your guide to becoming a remarkable communicator’ or ‘Fixing Feedback: Rewiring the workplace, people's mindsets and productivity’, or ‘iCommunication: Moving into 21st century communication for organisations and the people’. I don't know about you, but those titles make me sleepy. I've seen them before. I know the content. It's stiff and it's safe and it's stale.
Learning how to build remarkable relationships with people is not easy and it's not a matter of creating a checklist and ticking it off. It's a matter of learning not to tick others off by being a dick! It's about being open enough to become remarkable – so remarkable that people can't stop remarking on how enjoyable you are to work with, how they want to get on your projects and be on your team. Because they feel respected and heard. Because they feel valued and can see that they matter.
This book is a personal and professional treasure of insights created to educate you and your organisation about how to become remarkable, high-performing and seriously inspiring. Through giving great feedback and nailing the tough conversations, you can become a truly great person to work with; and by following the same principles, organisations can become truly great places to work.
So don't be a dick! Be remarkable!
Chapter 1
Feedback is broken
In order to deal with people and issues at work we need to communicate. That means having conversations. You can't do a remarkable job without having remarkable conversations. You can't have remarkable relationships without having remarkable conversations.
New York Times bestseller The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss suggests that we can structure our lives to be successful
