all self-focused. Again, that’s not a criticism; it’s a reality. When someone asks in a casual conversation, “How are you?” or “How was your weekend?” we should each assume the person is making polite chitchat, not looking for a deep analysis of what’s going on in our lives or the minutia of our kid’s birthday party. Usually, a simple “The weekend was great. Pretty low key. Just family stuff” is sufficient, followed by, “How was yours?” When the person responds with a similar level of detail, ask one or two questions. Then you’re done. Rapport built. Now segue to work. Assume no one is that interested. If someone asks for more details, feel free to provide some. Of course, these are not hard-and-fast rules. If your first sentence about the kid’s party is, “Well, once we got the bouncy castle out of the tree and the fire trucks left.,” you’re entitled to a few more sentences. Keep going.
And, of course, you must factor in cultural etiquette issues. In some cultures, you build rapport and then build business. In many cultures, building rapport is the first step in building a relationship, and it’s only after there is a genuine relationship that you move on to building business. In that setting, the “How are you” isn’t a casual inquiry. It’s really “So, who are you?” There’s an interest in and an attempt to get to know the you under the surface. In those situations, be ready for a longer conversation, to provide more substantive responses, and to ask deeper questions yourself.
Always stay positive. If a colleague or client asks about your recent vacation and you start with “It was awful! We were miserable!” then guess what? You still are. No one wants to hear that. Share the awkward moment, the ridiculous expense of your friend’s Vegas bachelor party, or the challenge keeping your teen engaged while visiting grandma’s house; those things make us all human. But after a sentence or two, only your closest friends care, and even they are getting bored. Build rapport by staying positive and turning the conversation back to the other person. Part of building rapport is learning about the other person. If you’re talking, you’re not learning.
Some of us struggle to make small talk. Here’s the easy approach. Start with what’s immediately in front of you. If you arrive for a meeting with a customer or client and the weather is bad, comment on the rain. If you’ve never been to their offices before, compliment the décor and ask how long they have been in this space. If you’re at an industry conference and you’re in the buffet line, a simple “Wow. They really put out a nice spread here” is all you need to start a conversation.
Many of us struggle to start the conversation. The other person is likely feeling just as awkward about how to introduce himself. He will be glad you said something and likely respond appropriately. “This is my first time at this conference. Have you attended before?” is all you need. Once he responds, you’re in a conversation. Take your cues from the other person. If he asks where you’re from, a simple two- or three-sentence response is all he wants. Now it’s your turn to ask him. Here’s a simple rule of thumb: If you’ve heard your voice and not his for more than two minutes, it’s time to ask the other person a question. Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about him.
Messages About Yourself
What about you?
Most of the time at meetings or when giving a presentation, we need to convey content – from the perspective of how that content is relevant to the particular audience. But sometimes, we do need to talk about ourselves, usually when we are introducing ourselves to others. At Exec|Comm, we often help people figure out how to introduce themselves simply. Picture yourself in a social setting. You’re at a party at a neighbor’s house or at a conference reception. After a bit of chitchat, eventually the other person says to you, “So, what do you do?”
Before reading further, write down how you normally respond to that question.
If you’re like most people I’ve met, you just wrote down what appears on your business card.
I’m a Managing Director at Citi.
I’m a Partner at Deloitte.
I’m the Director of HR at Aetna.
When we introduce ourselves based on our titles, we’re conveying that we see ourselves based on our roles, on a status that we have achieved. I suggest that we have more impact and train ourselves to be more focused on others if, instead of seeing ourselves based on our status, we view ourselves from the perspective of how we impact other people. How is the population you serve better off because of what you do for a living?
You aren’t “a real estate attorney.” You “help build housing.”
You aren’t “a Private Wealth Manager for UBS.” You “help people make sure they have enough money for retirement.”
You aren’t “the principal of a girls’ high school.” You “foster girls’ growth into wise young women.”
If someone asks me what I do, I never say, “I’m a partner at Exec|Comm.” That doesn’t mean anything to anyone. I say, “I help people communicate better.”
Obviously, your message about yourself will change based on who you are talking to and the nature of the setting. If I already know the person I’m speaking with is a lawyer, when asked what I do, I say, “I help lawyers improve their communication skills.” If I know the person is an accountant, guess what I do for a living? “I help accountants with their communication skills.” It’s all about being relevant to the other person.
Introducing yourself from the perspective of how you add value communicates not only your contribution to the world around you, but that you view yourself as having impact, rather than just having status.
The first line of your introduction should make people want to hear the next line. I was helping corporate lawyers at a global law firm work on their networking skills and asked each of them what he or she did for a living. The first one said, “I’m a tax partner at (name of firm).” Well, telling someone you are a tax partner doesn’t start conversations; it ends them. We found many other better ways to show how he added value to his clients. One of his peers, however, didn’t need any help. He had built a career structuring financing for art projects. When I asked him what he does, he replied, “I marry money to movies.” What a great line! I wanted to hear more. He not only had a strong introduction, but after sharing a few more sentences, he flipped the focus back to me and asked what kind of movies I liked. He knew that staying engaging meant not talking for too long about himself.
So try again. What do you do for a living?
CHAPTER 2
Once Upon a Time.. Telling Engaging Stories
I sit on the athletic committee of a club to which I belong. At my first meeting, each of the new members introduced himself or herself to the group. After I introduced myself and shared that I teach communication skills for a living, one of the members said, “Did you ever teach at American Express?” I said I had, but that it had been at least 10 years since I had been there. He said, “I remember you. I took your class. You told this story about your daughter and how even as an infant she had great eye contact.” He then recounted a line or two from the story. He remembered the teaching point from the program because of the story, and he remembered the story because stories stick with us.
The Process
Every story has a beginning, middle, and end. Well.. most stories eventually end. One of my uncles told stories that went on for so long that his behavior became a family joke. Every time Henry said, “That reminds me of.,” eyes would start to roll. A minute into the story, my father, Henry’s brother, would clear his throat. Two
