a habit of inattention and being lost in thought, we spend much of our time in a mentally constructed fight, flight or freeze mode. This unnecessary and inappropriate activation response leads to our accumulating wear and tear of the body and mind – called allostatic load – which is a major cause of physical and mental health problems, including depression, anxiety and stress-related illnesses. In the context of leadership, the negativity bias and allostatic load rob us of self-awareness and energy, over-focus us on threats and make it harder to learn from positive experiences. It's like wanting our brain to perform like a Ferrari while we drive it through the mud every day.
We are all well-practised experts in absentmindedness. We can eat, drink, sit through meetings pretending to listen – all while fixated on our own thoughts about the past and future. We can arrive at our destination in the car and not recall the journey at all. The critical point is that absentmindedness pulls us from reality, which prevents us from seeing things clearly, within ourselves or others. It's a thoroughly ingrained habit for most of us.
A deeper way to look at this subject is to examine the three underlying ways we lose connection with reality:
1. Resistance/Avoidance: This is an ‘anything but this experience' attitude. It can manifest as fear, anxiety, worry, procrastination, avoidance, frustration, irritation, complaining, arguing, judging, even hostility or hatred. Things are not good enough or safe enough for us. Our thoughts can be mildly resistant (‘I wish it wasn't so dull today!') to intensely resistant (‘I can't stand anyone who disagrees with me!'). There is a definite sense of argument, and mild to extreme unease with our life as it is (or was). That argument with our life adds unnecessary stress to our system.
2. Clinging/Idealisation: Children know this one very well: ‘Are we there yet?' As adults we play the ‘I'll be happy when …' or the ‘When … then …' game. We are unconsciously restless and dissatisfied with what is in front of us. But instead of focusing on the negative, we yearn for the ‘next ideal thing' – that next promotion, car or holiday house. ‘When I get x, then I'll be happy!' This sets up an endless quest for the ideal experience – we want the room neither too hot nor too cold, and if it's not just right (which it very rarely is) we suffer and crave a more ideal experience. Another aspect of clinging is greed. We cling to prized possessions, people, ideas, prejudices, jobs, status. In that clinging there is a fear of loss, and therefore a consistent stress in our system.
3. Delusion/Numbing: We can call this zoning out or becoming numb. It does not have the aliveness or strong ‘itch' of the other two, but it is very much a form of absentmindedness. It's a deadening of ourselves. This could be as simple as overeating, drinking too much alcohol, excessive TV watching or overusing our phones, for example. But on a more subtle level it is a kind of habituation, a sense of neutral passivity. Things aren't fresh or alive or exciting, they are just kind of okay. Daydreaming is a good example of zoning out, as is driving your car to work on autopilot and not remembering the journey.
Sadly, I have worked with too many good people who have become numb, burned out or alienated from their families and their team members as a result of a steady diet of clinging, avoidance and numbing. In their quest for success they have indulged in endless worry, obsessive planning, values compromises, aggression and more. Eventually they come to recognise that these habits cannot produce the inner wellbeing they long for, and their lives are living evidence of this.
Ironically, the deep and personal longing behind their business goals – happiness, a clear mind, an open connected heart, a sense of wellbeing – progressively decreases as their bank balance increases. This relentless sense of dissatisfaction and stress is not success. Yet it is possible to gain both outer success and inner wellbeing.
Presence: the antidote
We can overcome the detrimental effects of absentmindedness by learning to cultivate our capacity to be truly present to what is happening in ourselves and the world in real time.
Through mindfulness we develop, both internally and externally, a clear-eyed view of the world. We see reality as it is, not as we want or don't want it to be. We are present to what is happening in front of us, right now, at this very moment: the breath under our nose, the colours in the room, the texture of our clothes. Right now is real. Everything else is memory of the past or imaginings of the future. Reality is always now. And mindfulness is living and being fully present in the now.
Descriptions of people who convey how they feel when they are truly focused in the present, and who have relinquished all thoughts of the past or future, are strikingly familiar: calm, clear, open-minded, open-hearted, relaxed, engaged, productive, ‘in flow'. As one of my clients, Kim Phillips from the pharmaceutical company AbbVie, put it, ‘It is such a relief when I remind myself that I can only be here now. When the workload is overwhelming I remember that the best thing I can do is just be present and do what is in front of me. It is so incredibly helpful. The stress melts away and I become so much more productive.'
It's the answer to the question with which I start all my foundation mindfulness training courses: What state are you in when you are at your best as a leader? I have been privileged to witness this ‘a-ha' moment in thousands of people in my programs, and it's really quite simple: Being present and being at your best are one and the same thing.
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