cleansing my mind, changed my lifestyle, habits, and food. I tried to help people more, cared about my thoughts, feelings and behavior. I studied the ways my Ego showed itself, and tried to find new, purer and deeper, ways to live in peace and build relationships with other people.
Watching myself, I looked carefully at each and every negative feeling, every action or decision which might cause a passionate reaction, or anger, criticism, or pain. I started judging myself more fairly. If I am everything I do, why would I be unfair with myself? Why should I create an illusion of being a person I am not?
THE MORE I WORKED ON MYSELF, THE MORE CALMNESS, INNER FREEDOM, AND JOY I FELT.
Even a small change in any sphere of my life – food, yoga exercises, meditation, or watching myself – brought joy, and filled me up with energy, giving me more power.
I became freer: from business, from former habits, from the effect of the internet and television. I was getting rid of my outer ties, and gathering my inner freedom rapidly. I felt good just being. To feel happy, I didn’t need to drink alcohol, seek entertainment, or listen to funny stories, starving for joy… It was so inspiring that I couldn’t turn out off this way and stop. I felt the taste of another life!
My personal and professional relationships were far from ideal, though. By that time, I had already left my former thoughts about both: business and family, but I didn’t know how to put my life together. Only one thing was absolutely clear: I didn’t want to go back to the past.
For the first time after long years of soul-searching, I was inspired by my life and encouraged by everything surrounding me as well as by everything I felt inside. I allowed myself everything I couldn’t even dream about before: I began playing music, painting, studying new practices, watching what was happening around and what other people do during their search.
Everything turned out to be interesting for me! At the same time, I continued travelling to India and taking part in events organized by Pilot Babagi. I was deepening my understanding of myself.
I UNDERSTOOD: EVERYTHING I NEED IS ALREADY INSIDE ME. WEARINESS, DISAPPOINTMENT, ANXIOUSNESS AND SOUL-SEARCHING GAVE WAY TO INNER FEELINGS OF FULFILMENT.
Though, there was another side of the coin as well: the happier I felt, the less others could understand me. And those closest to me – first. My parents asked me the same questions again and again: “Andrey, what’s happening with you? What are you doing? Are you in a cult?!”
At first, my wife was just watching me, then she started criticizing, and after that she seemed to leave it alone, thinking: “the case is hopeless, my husband is crazy. I got married to a normal man, but now there is a stranger in front of my eyes: everyday he wakes up with the dawn, declines usual food and habits, does something inexplicable, smiles all the time…”
Nevertheless, I didn’t listen to anyone, I didn’t apologize, nor did I explain anything. I loved the changes in my inner being, and the only thing I wanted was to continue.
Sometime later, Maksim suggested going to India once again. Now it was an expedition to a place of power called Tapovan. That trip affected my life a lot. There, in Tapovan, I received one of the most interesting experiences in my life – the experience of communicating with my inner master and of unquestioning belief. I’ll tell you more about this amazing event in one of following chapters.
After I came back home from the trip that changed my mind regarding life, I faced a problem: “How do I live among people having that knowledge about the world and myself? How do I live in a society where everyone does nothing but tries to deceive each other, being forever in a hurry while running in the same circle of obligations and routine? Everything these people like, poisons me and makes my life worse…”
I DON’T KNOW: HOW SHOULD I LIVE HERE NOW?
So, I stepped on the path of total depression. While feeling wonderful happiness inside, I didn’t understand how I can live further, how I should act in the world, where no one can accept me…”
Those days I felt like an alien everywhere, including my own home. My wife used to listen to me before and found my opinion important, but now she seemed to be separated from me by an invisible wall. I saw fear in Marina’s eyes: she couldn’t understand who that person was, and what he would do.
Parents, colleagues, friends, employees – everyone was steering clear of me. While living in the city with millions of citizens, being among crowds of people, being in the family circle, I felt as if there was nobody else on my planet, no one who could hear, understand and support me. I was alone.
However, I was still feeling absolutely happy inside. I tried to spend more time in nature. I enjoyed eating some simple food. And even that food I didn’t eat much. I enjoyed my inner freedom from meaningless hurry, empty actions and addictions.
THAT TOUGH PERIOD OF MY LIFE LASTED FOR ABOUT HALF A YEAR. MY WORLD SEEMED TO BE BEING RUINED. IN FACT, IT WAS ONLY MY OWN CONCEPT OF LIFE, MADE UP BY MY MIND, WHICH WAS RUINED. AND A FLOW WHERE I JUST NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND HOW LIFE GOES AND WHAT FATE GIVES TOOK THAT CONCEPT’S PLACE.
That’s how I came upon the next crossroads in my life. It was time to decide how I should live and which way I should choose. Should I decline my former life and everything I managed to create and establish to save myself? Should I move to another place and start my personal story from scratch? Or should I come back to what it was and, possibly, lose a part of my inner world?
Thinking about that difficult choice, I remembered my Teacher. He said that everything around us is love, and there is no white or black in the world. There is no division into darkness and light, good and bad, there are just many different energies seen by our mind. Therefore, it’s not about others and their “imperfection”. The reason was inside me: I didn’t understand something about the world, surrounding me. And everything will change as soon as I manage to love the outer space as much as my inner world.
So, I decided to stay in this world, to come back to active social life and people, simultaneously saving myself – as I was by that moment. However, staying among people was difficult and even painful. There was no love in society, everybody used each other. I still couldn’t understand the meaning of some actions people did, and they, consequently, didn’t understand me, didn’t share my values.
Moreover, I started noticing how fast my mind was getting littered. As soon as I spoke with a person filled with anxiety, anger, or annoyance, their inner chaos seemed to become a part of me…
Anyways, the decision was taken, and I needed to learn to live a new way. What’s more, I was well-prepared for that – the practices proved beneficial. As everyone else brushes their teeth in the morning, I was cleansing my mind and body on daily basis. I increased the number and length of practices, meditated a lot, became more careful about food. Once in December I lived through ten days’ fast on water, and next 10 days I only consumed some natural juices. Gradually, my relationships with others started changing. I found some like-minded people, who shared my values and lived the same way as me.
Those, the closest ones, still couldn’t understand me or my lifestyle. Me and my wife continued moving apart. Even though we lived together physically, mentally we were becoming aliens, strangers. Once I got a feeling that whatever I do, there’s no way to avoid divorce. We were too different now. She wasn’t interested in what I was living by, and I didn’t understand her wishes, choices and values.
That’s how I got into one of the main traps of my life: I saw my spiritual Ego, which wanted to change everyone. Yes, I managed to change my mind and my life afterwards. But it occurred that was not enough – I wanted to change the minds and lives of others, too! I wanted everyone to choose and love the same things I
