The Fifteen Comforts of Matrimony: Responses from Men. Various

      Another that with Prudence, and with Cares,

      Has mannag'd well his Family Affairs,

      Govern'd his Wife and Children with that ease,

      Which always kept the Family in peace;

      His sons and Daughters educated so,

      None better bred, none cou'd gentiler go:

      The Sons are now set up to drive their Trade,

      The daughters married, and their Fortunes paid.

      One Son runs out, another takes ill ways,

      For which their Father's Pocket always pays;

      The Daughter's Husband breaks, and she must come

      And live a burthen on him again at home;

      Until the daily Cares that they impart,

      Break first his Substance, and then break his Heart.

      One thinking to encrease the Joys of Life,

      Marries a Beautiful young Buxom Wife;

      But soon he finds himself grow cloy'd and weak,

      Nor can he give her half those Joys she'd take,

      He now Consumptive, Pale and Meagre grows,

      While she complaining to her Parents goes;

      Says she can't Love him, such a one as he.

      And now desires she may live sep'rately.

      The poor fond Parents to him trudge in haste,

      And reprimand him soundly for what's past.

      He knows no Cause—Nor thinks he is to blame,

      They tell him plainly she shall live with them,

      And he allow her what is fit to have,

      Which he must yield to if he'll quiet have.

      Another has begun before her Time,

      Tasted those joys—but still conceal'd her Crime

      And now her Parents thinks her fit to Wed,

      (The Man that has her's finely brought to Bed,)

      Some hopeful Youth of Equal Worth is found,

      And soon his Suit with glad Success is crown'd,

      The Marriage Articles next agreed,

      And the Impostor Virgin sooth'd to Bed;

      The Am'rous Bridegroom on the Wanton flies,

      Who modestly his first Attempt denys;

      Again he moves her, she denys again,

      Crys Lord I never shall endure a Man:

      But warmer grown, he rushes on the Bride,

      And panting now, is but with Sighs deny'd,

      She yields a little to dissemble more,

      Knowing the part she'd acted once before:

      Wwhile he good Man, so pleas'd with what he'as done,

      Proclaims her Chastity to all the Town.

      Some are so fond, so blinded in their Choice,

      That they are ravish'd with their beautious Prize;

      In such a case the young unthinking Sot,

      Boasts what a handsome Genteel Wife he'as got,

      Doates on her Face, commends her Shape and Air,

      And thinks her Virtuous beyond compare:

      When all the time she plays her Pranks unknown,

      And with her Gallant rambles up and down;

      [*?]y, brings him home, while the poor Husband's sent

      On some Fools Errand, she has her content:

      At length he finds her out, but dare not speak,

      But bears all calmly for his Honour's sake.

      This Married to some Beauty of Renown, }

      Whose Business often keeps him out of Town; }

      But the good Woman cannot lie alone: }

      While the poor Lawyer's stating o'er the Case,

      She finds another to supply his Place;

      And proving pregnant, reckons up the Time,

      Lest the Sot Husband shou'd suspect her Crime.

      She swallows Drugs and Poysons ev'ry day,

      To bring the Child before its time away;

      This she performs so often, and is Sick,

      That he at length begins to smoak the Trick;

      Next time he keeps account, and plains it is,

      He swears point-blank the Child is none of his.

      The next a Widow thinks it best to Wed,

      And takes the knowing Matron to his Bed,

      A while he quenches her insatiate Fire,

      But in a little times begins to tire,

      The Lady soon the difference can find,

      And truly very plainly speaks her Mind,

      She twits him of the good departed Man,

      Whose like, she says, She ne'er shall see again,

      He never left me in a Morning so,

      But took a parting Kiss before he'd go;

      And get me some Good Thing for Breakfast too:

      Well, he a dear kind Husband was to me,

      But now my Days are spent in Misery.

      Last, and not least of all these Comforts is,

      The Man that's Wedded unto some Disease,

      A peevish, crazy, and a sickly Wife,

      The Burthen and the Nusance of his Life;

      Her Bed, the meer resemblance of a Tomb,

      And an Apothecarys Shop her Room;

      Coughing and Spitting all the Night she lies,

      A very Antidote to Marriage Joys:

      Yet the poor Man must bear with all these Ills,

      Besides the Excessive Charge of Physick Bills,

      A Nurse, fine Cordials, and a hundred things,

      Until his Substance she to little brings,

      Till may be she at length resigns to Death,

      The only Comfort he cou'd hope on Earth.