I know better, for many reasons, than to decline him at this point.
‘Skol.’
‘Slainte,’ I respond, as per our tradition of saying cheers in the language of one of the countries we have visited together. I look up directly into his eyes, before allowing the icy-cold liquid to slide smoothly down my throat, its potency striking alarmingly fast, warming my blood without delay.
‘That’s the spirit, I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me. This weekend is meant to be.’
‘What on earth was that, Jeremy?’
‘Absinthe, sweetheart, the green fairy.’
Jeremy sets his glass down and walks over to me slowly and assuredly. I can’t accurately pinpoint the look in his eyes.
‘So, Alexandra, are you ready to say goodbye now?’ I look at him quizzically.
‘We’ve only just said hello. I thought you wanted a full forty-eight hours.’ The rush of the absinthe permeates my brain as I wonder what he means.
‘It means it is time to deliver what you promised me.’ He takes my hand and strokes ever so gently beneath my palm, his fingers barely touching the skin. I take a deep breath and try to stay as calm and even as possible.
‘You mean to stay the weekend? Jeremy, you know I’ve already promised you that, it’s okay. I will still stay.’ My words sound weak and wasted in their attempt to sound conversational. Jeremy can feel my pulse start racing at his previous words as his fingers are cleverly positioned on my inner wrist. What was I thinking? Trying to fool a doctor. Trying to fool Jeremy!
‘You are toying with me, Alex. You know exactly what you promised.’ He continues keeping track of my pulse as I attempt to look elsewhere, anywhere but him.
‘Oh, you mean in the bath? Is that what you’re talking about?’ He shakes his head in condescension, but still has a smile on his face.
‘Yes, GG, that is exactly what I’m talking about. You didn’t think I had forgotten, did you?’
His words are loaded with innuendo from our ancient past whilst melding perfectly into this present moment. I pull away from him, attempting to put some physical and emotional distance between us.
‘What was it again? I wasn’t fully focused on our discussion at the time. Something about the lecture … senses, was it?’ I say flippantly, trying to lighten the mood, although something inside me wishes I hadn’t asked given his furrowed brow, his silence intensifying the moment.
‘You weren’t serious, Jeremy? You can’t have been. I thought you were just teasing, you know, just wanting to heighten the experience …’ He interrupts me.
‘I asked you to promise me two things. No vision and no questions.’ He pauses for effect. ‘For forty-eight hours. Simple really. Nothing a smart, intelligent, woman such as yourself can’t understand I’m sure.’ My palms moisten at his words. He continues, in a serious, no-nonsense manner.
‘Alexandra, you know better than anyone that I don’t ever, ever joke or tease about promises.’ He looks at me intently but allows me to keep my distance. Oh god, he was serious, he honestly wants to follow through with this. Typical, just when I’m starting to relax and have some fun. Such a Jeremy thing to do, to take the situation to a whole other level that puts me on edge all over again. I know full well that he is right. He takes promises more seriously than anyone else I know. What was I thinking? Making stupid mindless promises, all for the short-term satisfaction of a mind-blowing orgasm. Ah, but what an orgasm … and I haven’t had one for soooo long … And the promise of more is almost too much to bear. Focus! I castigate myself.
‘Well, Jeremy,’ I say in a serious voice, attempting to harden my resolve and stand my ground. ‘You did make me promise under duress and you know as well as I do, that it doesn’t count.’ I can only hope I am matching his language and energy as a last resort at getting out of this.
‘Ah. So you do remember. We have progress. Would you really call that duress, sweetheart? It certainly seemed to me like you were more than enjoying yourself.’ His words are as wry as his smile.
‘Even so, it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t duress. You knew I was in a situation of weakness and just played on it.’ I’m trying to sound convincing.
‘Are you ready?’ he says firmly. Obviously the time for discussion is over.
‘Really? You want to go through with this stupid promise thing? It’s so silly, nonsense really. We don’t need our time together to be like this, Jeremy. It would be so much nicer to spend time together without … well, without … having this tension between us, without playing games. We’ve grown up, there is no need for this. It is just childish,’ I say, my rising alarm giving way to a little exasperation.
His eyes narrow and zero in on mine as he steps toward me. I automatically take a step back; I can’t help myself, as if erring on the side of caution, attempting to avoid the enveloping sense of danger, as enticing as it may be. He continues to close in on me. As I step back again I realise I have reached the edge of the table. What was I meant to do now, run? It seems ridiculous, running away from my best friend, my ex-lover. I don’t want to run and therein lies the problem. I have to reason with him.
‘Please, Jeremy, please, must you do this?’ I say urgently, almost begging for both time and space. He places his arms on either side of my body, wedging me firmly against the table. His body presses against mine, my personal space vanishes and I have nowhere to go other than hold firm or lie backwards on to the table. I feel his eyes penetrate me, seeking my soul with their glare and know I must avoid looking at him at all costs, knowing that if I do, they will bore straight through me and penetrate my inner sanctum. There is no need for him to feel my pulse now; he can sense it all over my body. Like a Formula One racing car driver, my pulse only has one pace — fast.
‘Alex.’ He is close, firm, dominating. I sense his patience is diminishing rapidly. ‘You promised; you know what that means between us. You know we never promise something we can’t commit to, to ourselves or to each other. It has been that way since we met. Our word is our bond.’
The intensity of his words and the force of his response momentarily stun me. I hadn’t anticipated the heated emotion trapped within them. A deep shiver runs down my spine. Once again my mind replays the promise memory again as if on cue, conjuring up the same images as before. I remember his words had a similar tone and finality.
‘You know I am serious, Alexandra, I won’t let this go.’
But will you let me go? Do I want to go? These silent questions float through my head.
I know he is not to be messed with whenever he uses my full first name.
The air between us is thick with pent-up energy, emotion, and anticipation. There is so much I want to say, so much that isn’t coming out of my mouth. Where are my words? Where is my protest? Where is my escape? Why am I still here, accepting this? There must be something I can do. My mind is blank. Could I want this reality? Do I desire it? Is he tapping into something I’ve been denying in myself for years?… Oh no, my own mind has just given him the opening he is looking for.
I continue to search his eyes in an attempt to find further explanation as to why this is so important to him? Why so persistent? I know it is in his character; he has always been determined, always the
