nervously excited at the thought of not knowing what’s coming next, like when I might be touched or caressed, or even spanked!’ I blush, remembering the exceptionally swift slap on the arse that took me by complete surprise before dinner. ‘I don’t know where all this is leading and I’m really tempted to, well, you know, surrender control … but it is just so hard.’
‘I was hoping you would react this way and you’ve gone way beyond my expectations. If you would just trust me a little more, let me in. I do want you to surrender yourself to me this weekend, more than ever before. I want to reveal the true Alexa, the woman who has been hiding behind a controlled façade for way too long. We know the ins and outs of each other better than anyone else on the planet. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And frankly, along with discovering a cure for depression, which by the way I hope to achieve in the next year or two, you are my life’s mission.’
How and when did I become his life’s mission? His words scare the living daylights out of me, as I know what sort of man he is and he doesn’t say such things lightly — ever. Even though his comments are uncomfortable to hear out loud, somehow I sense the truth in them, whether I like it or not. Jeremy has always been able to see straight through me, sense what I’m feeling or wanting before I could put it into words, enabling him to be a step ahead of my thought processes. It seems that this weekend was playing out in the same way. We have never been able to fully let each other go.
‘If that is what you believe, then why do I always feel slightly on edge with you, Jeremy? I always have and I can’t believe it’s still happening after all these years.’ A little frustration enters my tone as I continue. ‘Look at me now, completely dependent on you. You know how much I value my independence, how hard I have worked for it, and that is exactly what you have taken away from me. You ask me to let you in, but how much further can I go? How much more do you want? Is this really about me, Jeremy, or is it honestly more about you?’
‘Interesting insights, Doctor Blake, to which I will give you one, honest response. You know when you are with me to always expect the unexpected. That is what I give you, that which cannot be controlled. Fear, excitement, anticipation, pleasure, the unknown, trust, surrender, all bundled up together. Somewhere in your psyche that combination proves an intoxicating mix. Why do I do it? Because I know, deep down, you love it, and ultimately it will free you from the constraints and boundaries you have set yourself. Think about it, Alex. If I were not in your life, the very thing that would be missing from it is freedom. Even if you get angry or frustrated with me, it is only ever short-lived, so I am willing to take the risk for the phenomenal rewards.’ He pauses momentarily as his words hit me like a brick. ‘There exists between us the ultimate sexual tension, and honestly, as much as we have tried to ignore it over the years, it will simply not be extinguished.’
‘Wow, that is a lot for a blind woman to absorb.’ The power of his words creates insightful paths that branch through my mind and pound in my head as I try to assimilate too many thoughts and emotions at once.
Could it be true? Do I love it? The unknown? The unexpected?
What does he mean by freedom? He keeps using this word …
Does he honestly believe we are destined to be this way?
I feel like he is reading me like a book this weekend, coherently, thoughtfully, cleverly and at whatever speed he chooses.
‘And rest assured, my dearest Alexa, the promise still stands from last night, and I am still counting.’
‘Sorry?’ I say, distracted by the sudden change in topic, still lost in the previous conversation. He repeats his statement.
‘I’m sure you remember only too well that I’m an excellent statistician!’ His tone is fully loaded with innuendo.
‘Yes, of course, Jeremy, how could I ever forget!’ My response equally loaded. I do remember only too well. The memory makes me squirm in my seat — initially uncomfortable, but amazing recollections.
‘What a classic night. One of my sweetest victories and ultimately one of our greatest discoveries about your incredible body …’ Jeremy’s voice trails off as we reminisce and I return to that time in our lives.
There has always been rivalry between us at uni as to who is best at what subjects and we often place bets with each other. Jeremy and I are both taking an elective Quantitative Methods course and had made a bet —whoever topped the class could choose one thing that the other had to go along with for the night, without complaint. I agreeably shook hands and had thoughts of Jeremy cleaning my apartment naked, preparing dinner, giving me a massage and generally being at my beck and call. Yes, I thought, this is an excellent idea for a bet, even more so because I had topped the class in all of our assignments. It never really occurred to me that I wouldn’t win; after all, it wasn’t his area of expertise.
The marks are finally announced: Jeremy scored half a mark more than me because he provided a more complete explanation for the final question. I head straight to Professor Jarlsberg’s office to go through the exam paper with him question by question. Annoyingly, although understandably, Jeremy accompanies me, unable and unwilling to hide the grin that looked far too big and wide for his face. No amount of argument or protest will convince the Professor to either increase my paper half a mark, or reduce Jeremy’s, though heaven knows I try. Jeremy’s smirk seems to double in size, if that were possible.
‘Not a word,’ I said harshly, waving my finger at him before storming off. Jeremy didn’t say a word, but his face spoke volumes.
I deliberately avoid him for the rest of the day, or else he wisely leaves me alone. We cross paths later that evening at our friend’s birthday drinks at a swanky gay bar just off Oxford Street in the city. I have calmed down and am not as devastated by my loss. An hour or so later, when we are all in a group talking, he whispers in my ear.
‘I think I’ll take my winnings now.’
‘Pardon, what did you say?’
He repeats his words.
‘Right here, now?’ I question.
I am a little embarrassed about my earlier behaviour as I’m not usually such a bad loser, but then again, I don’t usually lose that often.
‘Sure, what can I do for you? Buy you a drink?’ I start off toward the bar. He quickly hooks his arm around my waist and whisks me around in the other direction.
‘This way. Follow me.’ I pause, a little confused as to where we are going. It would be rude to leave without saying goodbye and besides, I haven’t been there long and was having fun with my friends. He senses my hesitation.
‘Now!’ His grip tightens as he steers me firmly toward the stairs.
‘What are you —?’
He raises his fingers to my lips, silencing me as we continue downwards. I never even knew this area existed in this bar. He opens one of the extra-large doors to the Unisex toilets, guiding me in before him, closing the door behind us and ensuring it is securely locked. It’s as if we are in a vault. On one wall there is a framed ceiling to floor mirror, otherwise the whole area is carpeted, floors, walls and ceiling. It looks and feels rather luxurious, particularly when you consider its rudimentary purpose.
