and duties. She also wants her partner to be attentive and romantic, planning dates for her pleasure after solving the many unscheduled problems and emergencies that inevitably arise in family life. In short, she wants a wife to share with her all the domestic routines, and then she wants a husband who has the energy and motivation to romance her after doing all the things men usually do, like fixing things and handling emergencies. As men cling to old expectations, women are creating new expectations. These expectations are understandable but unrealistic.
As men cling to old expectations, women are creating new expectations that are equally unrealistic.
Just as women can’t do it all, men can’t either. Women today carry a burden twice that of their mothers. They not only feel the new economic and social pressure to work outside the home, but they also experience an ancient genetic pressure to nest. A woman’s nurturing instincts and nesting urges produce needs and standards developed by a long lineage of women.
Returning home after work causes most women’s stress levels to increase.
Most men appreciate a beautiful and orderly home, yet they can easily return to an untended house and simply relax while watching TV. In his world, relaxing comes before tending to the home. After a long day at work, a man takes a deep breath and begins to relax at just the thought of going home. When a woman returns home, her stress levels go up. Every cell in her body says, “This house must be cleaned up before we can relax.”
Even if she wanted to rest, she couldn’t. Her mind is too busy with standards that she must uphold. This is also true of women who do not work outside the home. In a woman’s mind, there is a long to-do list. Until it is finished, it is very hard for her to rest, relax, or do something simply because she enjoys it.
Women are the CEOs of their homes, organizing the household and determining what has to be accomplished. A woman has to notice what needs to be done and then enlist her partner’s help. Most husbands will happily do what they are asked to do eventually, but it is rare on Mars to notice that something needs to be done. Sometimes it takes so much nagging to get something accomplished, and when it is done, the task has been performed so halfheartedly that she begins to feel it’s easier to do it all herself. Women do not understand why their partners don’t feel the same motivation to share the responsibilities of the home, and they resent it.
Under stress, women feel the pressure of a never-ending to-do list.
Women are the custodians of love, family, and relationship. When women stop being women and are too stressed to carry out these functions, we are all lost. Women remind men of what is important in life. Women hold the wisdom of the heart and inspire men to act from their hearts. Men can have great vision, but women provide the meaningful foundation. When women are not happy, no one is happy.
When women become men, men lose purpose, meaning, and inspiration in life.
To resolve this source of conflict, men and women need to understand each other better. Men need to recognize what women are going through. A woman already feels enough internal pressure about domestic order. Any extra pressure from him can easily push her over the edge. At the same time, women need to recognize and understand what men can and cannot do to be more supportive.
How to Ask for a Man’s Support
Most men are pitching in more with domestic duties when their wives work outside the home to provide for the family. For two-career couples, if the man is not helping out enough, the answer is to ask for his help in very specific ways instead of criticizing and rejecting him. Do not just expect a man to see everything that a woman might think needs to be done, and then to take action. Routine jobs around the house are not urgent in a man’s estimation.
One approach that works most of the time is to ask for his help in specific terms. Men love projects. Projects are specific. They have a beginning and an end. He can determine what he is going to do, how he is going to do it, and most important, when he is going to do it. Men will often do what they consider is most important first. When given a project to accomplish, he also senses that his efforts will not be taken for granted. All these ingredients help to give him energy and motivation. Here are some examples of how a woman can ask for a man’s support in specific instead of general terms:
If she is tired that night, she can say, “Would you please make dinner tonight, or pick up some takeout?”
If there are piles of laundry, she can say, “Would you help me fold this laundry tonight?”
If she doesn’t feel like cleaning up the kitchen, she can say, “Would you do the dishes tonight, please? I need to take a break.” Or if she wants help with the dishes, instead of just expecting him to pitch in, she can simply say, “Would you bring over the plates?” or “Would you wash the pots and pans tonight? I would really appreciate the help.”
If she needs something from the grocery store, instead of doing it herself, she could ask, “Would you please drive to the grocery and pick up these items on this list?”
In each of these examples she is giving him a project that has a beginning and an end. Men tend to work best on projects rather than in routines, since routines have no clear beginning or end. When a man is tired, a domestic routine is rarely a priority, as it is for a woman. Even if he is tired, a project with a definite end point or solution will give him extra energy, particularly if a woman’s tone of voice or facial expression while making the request indicates that she will appreciate the result of his actions. When he does something to help her rather than because she expects or thinks he should do it, he then feels closer to her and is more willing to help out in the future. This willingness, based on satisfying many of her little requests or projects, actually gives him more energy at home to provide even more support. Eventually, he will get in the habit of helping more and more.
Men tend to work best on projects rather than in routines.
Realistic Expectations Lead to Real Love
Most men are not equipped to be the domestic/communicative/romantic partners women fantasize about. Although some men attempt to fulfill that fantasy, in the end both partners become frustrated and disappointed. He may try for years, but eventually he runs out of steam. Some men try during the dating stage and then give up, because they can’t continue to meet their partner’s expectations. When this is the case, a man may suddenly lose interest and not even know why. He is just not that interested in her, not because she is not right for him, but because he is trying to meet unrealistic expectations. Lucky is the woman who is able to appreciate what a man can offer, for she continues to get more and more.
A man loses interest when he senses that he can’t continue to meet a woman’s expectations.
Likewise, most women are not equipped to be the domestic/communicative/romantic partners men want. It is unrealistic for a man to expect a woman to create a beautiful home without help and appreciation, always to be in a good mood, never to be needy, and to be romantically available at all times. Many women try to fulfill this fantasy but feel cheated and betrayed when their partners do not return their love.
When men begin to understand a woman’s new needs, they are naturally motivated to help out more. Men who make this change must make sure that they take the time they need for themselves as well; otherwise they will both end up overwhelmed and exhausted. Lucky is the man who is able to meet his own needs and then respond to a woman’s need for help around the house, good communication, and regular romance, for he comes home to a happy woman.
Fortunately, reality is much more wonderful than fantasy. We
