on then off, and before she can hit me again I roll over and scramble to the other side of the bed.
My knickers are hanging around my ankles, my backside feels like it’s been torched, but the shaking has stopped and I no longer feel physically sick. We face each other on opposing sides of the bed. My eyes are harnessed to hers, and I detect to my glee a little uncertainty in those glassy beads. ‘Mother Thomas has eyes just like a raven,’ Bridget always says, and until now I’d agreed, but today they, like her, have diminished to those of a common sparrow. In the same strange detached voice I say, ‘You’ll never hit me again because if you do I’ve got orders from the devil to kill you. And if it’s hell I’m going to, you won’t be far behind.’ She’s staring directly into my eyes; hers don’t waver or blink, but she says nothing as I go on: ‘When I’m rich and famous, and I will be, you’ll be sorry, very sorry – that is, if you’re still alive.’
I know, as soon as I enter and kneel, that it isn’t Father O’Neill in the confessional box. Whiskey breath and sweaty feet do not smell of freshly squeezed lemons mixed with a trace of lavender. The smell is different from any I’ve ever encountered. I inhale, exhale, then say, ‘Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s two weeks since my last confession.’
I know it’s him. Holding my breath, I wait for confirmation.
‘Tell me about it, my child.’ Father Steele’s melodic voice washes over me. I close my eyes and imagine bathing in spring water on a warm summer day. It isn’t something I do regularly, but I had, a couple of times last summer, been allowed to go on a picnic with a girlfriend from school. We’d gone in her father’s car to Kinsale, where we’d eaten tons of egg sandwiches and drunk gallons of lemonade. Then afterwards we’d swum in the river. It had felt like Father Steele’s voice: warm and soothing.
I sigh. ‘I’ve had a terrible row with Mother Thomas. I said some awful things to her. She beat me, not for the first time, and I’ve been punished by Mother Virgilus.’
I look down: my hands are red and sore, the skin peeling. Work-worn hands, like those I’d seen a thousand times in the village, attached to pink arms scrubbing front steps or polishing brass door-knockers. Ashamed, I try to cover them up. The sight of them makes me angry, and sad that I should have such hands at fifteen. My hands were intended to paint, not scrub floors and polish brass, or be submerged elbow-deep in boggy water in the laundry where I’d been since my tussle with Mother Thomas.
‘Sure, I said things I shouldn’t have, but she made me say them. She made me very angry, Father.’
‘Are you sorry, my child?’
I know the simple way to get off the hook is to say, Yes, Father, I’m very sorry; I won’t do it again. But today, with only a panel of wood and a foot-square grille separating me from the man of my dreams, I’ve no desire to get off lightly. And instead of feeling penitent, I’m busily inventing more sins to confess. The rate they’re popping into my head I reckon I could be in the confessional box all day.
‘Mother Thomas is mean and cruel, and if God were all he claims to be, he wouldn’t let her live. I told her to go to hell, and that I wished her dead. In truth, Father, to be sure, I meant every word.’
‘May the Lord bless and forgive you, my child.’
Exasperated, I raise my voice. ‘I don’t want forgiveness, Father. I want Mother Thomas to suffer for what she’s done to me.’
I hear him sigh. ‘Do you have anything else to confess?’
Before I can reply, a shuffling noise outside distracts me. I look towards the sound. I can see a pair of feet outside the confessional box. One black-booted foot is tapping impatiently. Another sinner waiting to be cleansed. Probably one of the men from the village, one of the many who get drunk every Friday night. I’ve watched them spew up their earnings in the alley behind the pub; heard the shouts – hasn’t everyone? – and the screams from their women. The lucky ones, the wives that is, get off with a black eye. Most of the people I know sin regularly, confess at the same rate, are absolved and go on to do it all over again. Religion – what a waste of time; stupid, to be sure. The more I think about it the less it makes sense. Suddenly I’m seized with a strong urge to get out of the confessional box, and out of church. My knees hurt and I feel very tired. With a deep sigh I say, ‘No, Father, I’ve nothing more to confess.’
‘For absolution, say ten Hail Marys and five Our Fathers. God be with you, my child. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.’
I rise and step out of the confession box muttering under my breath, ‘I hate Mother Thomas and I hope she goes to hell.’
For the first time in years I’m looking forward to Sunday Mass. Since confession on Wednesday I’ve been counting the days, hours and minutes for my next sighting of the curate. Bridget and I chatter while dressing in our Sunday best. Our church uniform consists of black stockings, dark blue skirt, white blouse and navy blue sweater. As I force my feet into my black brogues I long for a dainty pair of peep-toe sandals in red or white with a heel, like Lizzy Molloy wore to church last week.
Leaning forward to lace up my shoes, I say, ‘I wish I had a beautiful new dress to wear, like the one Aileen Shaunessy wore to church last week. Didn’t you think she looked just grand?’
Looking me up and down she replies, ‘Sure, Aileen’s dress was grand, but she hasn’t got your figure to carry it off. You’d look beautiful in a paper bag, Kate O’Sullivan. You’ve got the body of a bloody angel, a sight for sore eyes.’ She lowers her voice to a whisper. ‘Can you imagine Mother Thomas’s face if you swanned into church dressed up like a bloody film star? She’d probably have a heart attack.’
I grin. ‘I wish.’
‘And to be sure, one glimpse of your titties would be enough to make the new curate forget his vows.’
Still grinning, I say, ‘That’ll do, Bridget, and it’s very beautiful you’re looking this fine morning too.’
She beamed. ‘You really think so?’
I squeeze her hand. ‘I do that. You look grand.’ I’m telling the truth, not the whole truth but partly. The midnight-blue serge skirt trims Bridget’s stocky body, taking inches off her generous hips, and the colour complements her dark auburn hair. But beautiful she is not, nor ever will be, lest it be in the eye of the beholder. Given a beholder that is short-sighted, or just plain blind with love. I hope Bridget will find the latter. She is, after all, my best friend, better than a sister, and I love her very much.
Hand in hand we leave the dormitory and pass Rosemary Connelly on the stairs. She whispers, ‘Mother Thomas is on the warpath. She found a dirty sanitary towel on the floor of the downstairs lavvy.’ Mary looks directly at me.
‘Not guilty,’ I mutter.
As we continue downstairs Bridget digs me in the ribs. ‘Don’t even think about it.’
I know she’s referring to my first period. Mother Thomas had examined my knickers and after finding one spot of blood had made me wear them on my head for the remainder of that day. I have to fight hard to stop dredging up these unwanted memories, yet even in the doing I know it won’t make them go away – well, not forever. What was it Father Steele had said about our childhood baggage? I think instead about the future, it has always helped me to cope with the past and the present. Soon I’ll be sixteen. I’ve longed to be sixteen since I was ten. The magic age, time to leave the orphanage, to be in charge of
