twisted her ring around on her finger, lost in thought. At what point should she take her wedding ring off? Gerry was gone almost six months now. Where was the rulebook for widows that explained when exactly the ring should be taken off? And when it finally did come off, where would she put it, where should she put it? In the bin? Beside her bed so she could be reminded of him every single day? She continued to twist the ring around her finger and plagued herself with question after question. No, she wasn’t quite ready to give up her Gerry yet. As far as she was concerned he was still living.
The microwave beeped. She took the dish out and threw it straight into the bin. She had suddenly lost her appetite.
Later that night Denise rang her in a tizzy. ‘Switch Dublin FM on, quick!’
Holly raced to the radio and flicked the switch, ‘I’m Tom O’Connor and you’re listening to Dublin FM. If you’ve just joined us we are talking about bouncers. In light of the amount of persuasion it took the Girls and the City girls to blag their way into Boudoir, we wanna know what your thoughts on bouncers are. Do you like them? Do you not? Do you agree or understand why they are the way they are? Or are they too strict? The number to call is …’
Holly picked the phone back up, having forgotten for a moment that Denise was still on the other end.
‘Well?’ Denise said, giggling.
‘What the hell have we started, Denise?’
‘I know,’ she chuckled. It was obvious she was loving every minute of it. ‘Did you see the papers today?’
‘Yeah, it’s all a bit silly really. I agree it was a good documentary but the stuff they were writing was just stupid.’
‘Oh, honey, I love it! And I love it even more because I’m in it!’
‘I bet you do,’ Holly laughed.
They both remained quiet while they listened to the radio. Some guy was giving out about bouncers and Tom was trying to calm him down.
‘Oh, listen to my baby,’ Denise said. ‘Doesn’t he sound so sexy?’
‘Em … yeah,’ Holly mumbled. ‘I take it you two are still together?’
‘Of course.’ Denise sounded insulted by the question. ‘Why wouldn’t we be?’
‘Well, it’s been quite a while now, Denise, that’s all,’ Holly quickly tried to explain so she wouldn’t hurt her friend’s feelings. ‘And you always said you couldn’t be with a man for over a month, that you hate being tied down to one person.’
‘Yes, well, I said I couldn’t be with a man for over a period of a month but I never said I wouldn’t. Tom is different, Holly,’ Denise added breathily.
Holly was surprised to hear this from Denise, the girl who wanted to remain single for the rest of her life. ‘Oh, so what’s so different with Tom then?’ Holly rested the phone between her ear and her shoulder and she settled down in the chair to examine her nails.
‘Oh, there’s just this connection between us. It’s like he’s my soul mate. He’s so thoughtful, always surprising me with little gifts and taking me out for dinner and spoiling me. He makes me laugh all the time and I just love being with him. I haven’t got sick of him like all the other guys. Plus he’s good-looking.’
Holly stifled a yawn. Denise tended to say this after the first week of going out with all her new boyfriends and then she would quickly change her mind. But then again, perhaps Denise meant what she said this time; after all they had been together for several weeks now.
‘I’m very happy for you,’ Holly replied genuinely.
The two girls began listening to a bouncer speaking on the radio.
‘Well, first of all I just want to tell you that for the past few nights we have had I don’t know how many princesses and ladies queuing up at our door. Since that bloody programme was aired people seem to think we’re going to let them in if they’re royalty! And I just want to say, girls, it’s not going to work again so don’t bother!’
Tom kept laughing and tried to hold himself together. Holly flicked the switch off on the radio.
‘Denise,’ Holly said seriously, ‘the world is going mad.’
The next day Holly dragged herself out of bed to go for a stroll in the park. She needed to start doing some exercise before she turned into a complete slob and she also needed to start thinking seriously about job-hunting. Everywhere she went she tried to picture herself working in that environment. She had definitely ruled out clothes stores (the possibility of having a boss like Denise had talked her out of that one), restaurants, hotels, pubs and she certainly didn’t want another nine-to-five office job, which left … nothing. Holly decided she wanted to be like the woman in the film she had seen last night; she wanted to work in the FBI so she could run around solving crimes and interrogating people and then eventually fall in love with her partner, whom she hated when they first met. However, seeing as she neither lived in America nor had any police training, the chances of that happening didn’t seem too hopeful. Maybe there was a circus she could join somewhere …
She sat down on a park bench opposite the playground and listened to the children’s screams of delight. She wished she could go in and play on the slide and be pushed on the swings instead of sitting here and watching. Why did people have to grow up? Holly realised she had been dreaming of going back to her youth all weekend.
She wanted to be irresponsible, she wanted to be looked after, to be told that she didn’t have to worry about a thing and that someone else would take care of everything. How easy life would be without having grown-up problems to worry about. And then she could grow up all over again and meet Gerry all over again and force him to go to the doctor months earlier and then she would be sitting beside Gerry here on the bench watching their children playing. What if, what if, what if …
She thought about the stinging remark Richard had made about never having to bother with all that children nonsense. It angered her just thinking about it. She wished so much that she could be worrying about all that children nonsense right now. She wished she could have a little Gerry running around the playground while she shouted at him to be careful and did other mummy things, like spit on a tissue and wipe his pudgy little dirty face.
Holly and Gerry had only started talking about having children a few months before he was diagnosed. They had been so excited about it and used to lie in bed for hours trying to decide names, creating scenarios in their heads of what it would be like to be parents. Holly smiled at the thought of Gerry being a father; he would have been terrific. She could imagine him being so patient while he sat helping the kids with their homework at the kitchen table. She could imagine him being so overprotective if his daughter ever brought a boy home. Imagine if, imagine if, imagine if …
But Holly needed to stop living her life in her head, remembering old memories and dreaming of impossible dreams. It would never get her anywhere.
Well, talk of the devil, Holly thought to herself, seeing Richard leaving the playground with Emily and Timmy. He looked so relaxed, she thought, watching him in surprise as he chased the children around the park. They looked as though they were having fun, not a very familiar sight. She sat up on the bench and zipped up her extra layer of thick skin in preparation for their conversation.
‘Hello,
