Once men reach age forty-seven to fifty without marrying, the chances they will marry do not disappear, but they drop dramatically.
Please keep in mind that I’m talking about men who have never been married. Men who have been married before are open to remarry much later in life. They have entirely different relationships with women. (You’ll find more on them in chapter 7.)
If a woman in her forties or older who has never been married is dating a man who has never been married, the chance of him marrying is still good. But at that time in her life, most eligible men are either widowed or divorced, and their chances of marrying again are substantially higher than those of men of the same age who have never married. In other words, if a woman meets two men in their late forties, one who has been married and the other a lifelong bachelor, she should choose the one who has been married before. Although the first man may on the surface appear more cautious, he’s far more likely to marry than the second. Many single women say divorced men are often bitter and defensive, so they don’t date them. That’s usually a mistake.
Handling Stringers
If you’re dating a man who has had one or more long-term relationships with other women and didn’t marry them, there’s a real possibility he’s a stringer. A stringer is a man who strings women along. He likes having a woman, sleeping with a woman, eating with a woman, possibly sharing his life with a woman without ever making a real commitment. He often tells women, up front, he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain.
If you think you may be involved with a stringer, establish a deadline. If he doesn’t commit to you within six months, get rid of him. Pay no attention to his excuses. He may tell you that you’re coming on too strong. He may complain that the two of you haven’t been going together long enough, that he doesn’t know, that he hasn’t made up his mind. In fact, he is likely to tell you anything that will get you to stick around without his needing to make a commitment. Don’t fall for it. The chances a stringer will marry are very slim; he is simply not the marrying kind.
Earlier I mentioned those men who went with one woman for a time, then shortly thereafter went out and married another. This was the pattern, in fact, that initiated our research. So we questioned the couples in which the man had gone with one woman for years and was marrying another. The women who married these men insisted they commit early in the relationship.
If you meet a man who has had a long-term relationship, make it clear to him that if he dates you for a certain length of time, you’ll expect a ring. If he doesn’t understand that, you haven’t done your job. Don’t think his affirmative response to such a declaration is a precursor to his making a commitment. He’s strung many women along, and he may try it with you. If after six months you don’t have a firm commitment, leave.
We ran across at least fifty men we could identify as stringers. They can be very dangerous. I estimate each one is responsible for at least two women remaining single. They are destructive because they con women into wasting their time during the years when they are most attractive and most likely to get a proposal. They stay with women, live with women, promise them marriage, and string them on and on indefinitely.
There is one surefire way to identify these men—they are usually repeat offenders. If a man had even one long-term relationship with someone else, he’s very likely to be a stringer. If he does not set a firm date, be on your guard.
Biological Clocks
We spoke to 121 men in their forties who were marrying for the first time. Their reason for marrying was different than that of the younger men we interviewed. Many of these older men were eager to marry because their biological clock was running. Obviously, a man’s biological clock isn’t the same as a woman’s, but men are often in just as much of a hurry to have children. They’re not worried about physically being able to father a child, but about being a father to the child. Men forty-two and older who were about to marry looked forward to having children, and they almost unanimously pictured themselves as fathers of sons. They want to be young enough when their sons come along to teach them all the things fathers traditionally teach their sons—to ride a bicycle, to fish, to play ball, and so forth. The most important reason these men had for marrying was that if they waited much longer, they wouldn’t be able to be active fathers. So if you meet a man in his forties who tells you he’s eager to have a son so he can do those male-bonding things, know that these things are very important to him, and they’ll dramatically increase his readiness to marry.
Unpolished Jewels
We talked to dozens of men in their late thirties and early forties who had given up on the idea of marrying. Most lacked one of three things—looks, height, or social skills. They had been rejected so often that they had despaired of ever finding a woman who would love them or even put up with them. Many had been treated cruelly by women. If I heard it once, I heard it a dozen times: “If I could find a nice woman, I’d marry her tomorrow.” If you meet a man who has never been married and seems excessively shy, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you, particularly if he’s in his late thirties or older and not socially gifted. If you signal your own interest, you may find a nice guy who would love to settle down.
These men have been rejected and demeaned for years by women because they weren’t tall enough or handsome enough or smooth enough. It’s easy to understand why they’re so reluctant to put their egos on the line once more. If you meet a man who appeals to you, don’t let his lack of social skills dissuade you from showing you’re interested in him. Only after being convinced you like him will he be able to summon the courage to ask you for a date. You may even end up having to do the asking, but it might be worthwhile: These “diamonds in the rough” are often strong candidates for marriage.
There are literally hundreds of thousands of men and women in their forties and fifties eagerly seeking mates, but somehow they can’t seem to find each other. The main reason, I believe, is that those in both groups have been emotionally battered in the dating game, and they’re very gun-shy. If you can help a man overcome these feelings, you may find a real diamond in the rough. I know it’s a hard thing for a woman to do, but if you can put yourself on the line just once more, you might be rewarded with a wonderful guy.
One thing impressed me: The men who were not married were just as nice, just as intelligent, just as hardworking as the men who were. Maybe that’s why seven out of eight men aged fifty and over who were about to marry for the first time were marrying women who had been divorced. These women told us they saw lack of social skills or a few inches in height as a minor detail, because they had already had a man who was tall or suave, and he hadn’t made a very good husband.
Bad Investments
There is a possible drawback to dating a man aged forty or older. Many men at that age begin to look at women and marriage as a poor financial investment. There’s no other way of putting it. When you ask them why they’re not married, they tell you they spent most of their lives building a nest egg, and they’re not about to share it with some “babe.” In our interviews, they often used such derogatory terms when speaking of women. They talked as though a woman’s only interest in a man is what she can get out of him. The irony is that many of the men who spoke this way really didn’t have all that much anyway. Today, many of the women whom these men think are after their money earn far more than they do. If a man talks of marriage as a financial game in which women are out to make their fortunes, don’t just walk away—run! Such men are hardly ever going to be the marrying kind.
I’m not suggesting money is a subject that couples shouldn’t discuss when they’re thinking about marriage. All couples need to
