the idea of him as a vice more clearly in my head. I had a father once who used to drink, and all that business came back to me as I struggled with him and I struggled with Louie. There was the same cunning, the same promising and going behind your back, and the same utter hopelessness of it all.
Once when she was out he came down and sat on my kitchen table and laughed at me.
‘You’ve tried to separate us all your life, haven’t you, Polly? You’re not going to do it, d’you hear. I made her. I put her where she was and she’ll never do anything without me. We shall be together at the end. She’s been a bitch to me, Polly, but I’ve stuck her … and I’m going to stick to her. And if we go down together, well––––’ he nodded his little round head, ‘—well, we go down together, see?’
‘Yes, you’re a millstone all right,’ I said.
He looked surprised.
‘A millstone? I’m her lifebelt.’
And I could see by the way he said it that he’d deceived himself and he believed it.
It was then, as I lifted the suacepan off the fire and put it on to the draining board, that I began to make up my mind how I was going to kill him. It was a question of who was going under, you see; him, or all of us together.
It’s not easy to kill someone in your own house if you don’t want anybody to know. I didn’t see how I was going to do it, and the need was so great it became a nightmare to me, growing more and more desperate as the days approached and I saw him and her, too, making little sly preparations to get him to Manchester.
If he’d only let her have her chance without him! Just a start. But he wouldn’t, and I had to hurry.
I’d let my second floor, which is very nearly self-contained, as all my places are, to Ma Pollini and her family, who had booked up a seven-week engagement on the Stuart Circuit. She was a monstrous old girl who looked like a bull. She used to be in the act herself and still kept them all together, Pa and the three boys and their wives and the two kids. I never knew a woman who was so clean. I wonder she didn’t have the paper off the wall. She spoke English all right but not too well and you had to explain things to her very carefully, but there wasn’t much her little black eyes missed and I knew I’d got to be careful with her.
Young Ferris used to let Louie go and rehearse up at some practice rooms he had over the theatre. There were pianos there and a clever accompanist, so she was out a great deal and it was good to see her coming back bright and hopeful and to feel her pat my shoulder and say: ‘It’s going to be all right, Duck. Oh, it’s going to be all right.’
I thought ‘Yes, by God it is, if I can get rid of this horror for you.’
I’d begun to see him like that, like a cancer or a monstrous deformity that was dragging her to death before my eyes and taking me with her—because I knew I’d never let her down however much I argued with myself.
While she was out I used to go up and clean her rooms in the attic and although I got used to him talking I did wonder why she hadn’t gone out of her mind. Idiotic lies—dozens of them! Continuous tales of his importance and his cleverness which didn’t even sound true. Nothing was too big for him to have done, nothing too small. I happened to mention an act I’d seen that was new to London, a fellow flinging himself down from the flies without a wire or a net or anything, and immediately he caught me up.
‘That! …’ he said. ‘God, that was an old trick when I was a boy. I could do it … have done it a hundred times. Though I’m an old man I could do it now.’
I didn’t say anything at the time but it gave me the first real helpful idea I’d had.
I went about it very slowly. It began when I started shaking the tablecloth out of the front attic window, that is to say out of their living-room window. I had to fling it wide because it had to miss the parapet, and the crumbs—I saw there were plenty of them—used to float down on to the little balcony outside Ma Pollini’s sitting-room. I knew it would annoy her, and it did. We had quite a set-to about it on the stairs and the whole house knew about it. I was apologetic because I didn’t want to lose her just then, but the next morning I did it again. There was another row and the third morning I shook the crumbs into a dust-pan as any sensible woman would.
But the fourth morning—however, I’m coming to that.
I am not usually a chatty woman. In my experience the less you say the less people can repeat. And if I’d been the most talkative person in the world I wouldn’t have talked to him. But I spent a lot of time with him during those four days and I did my share of talking. I talked about the Pollinis.
‘He’s a clever man,’ I said. ‘That act’s come on.’
Frank rose to it as I thought he would. I knew he wasn’t too fond of Pollini. He’d tried to tap him without much success. No one, not even Frank, could tap a man who looked at you like a surprised bison and shambled off muttering ‘Don’ understand. Git th’hell outa here.’
‘Pollini?’ said Frank. He was sitting in his shirt sleeves, without a collar, on the back of the dilapidated old chesterfield that Louie slept on when they had a row. ‘I taught Pollini all he knows and he’s too much of a stiff to say how d’you do to me these days.’ That was the sort of statement he used to make. It had no relation to the truth at all and no purpose as far as I could see, because not even Frank could expect me to believe it.
I rambled on. I told him I’d seen young Latte Pollini teaching the kids.
‘Hand-springs!’ I said. ‘You’ve never seen such neat ones.’
I won’t tell you what he called me. There’s no point in writing things like that down.
‘Look at this,’ he said, and he stood there poised at the top of the sofa looking like an organ-grinder’s monkey, the white stubble sticking out on his red face.
‘You be careful. You’ll hurt yourself,’ I said over my shoulder.
‘Look! ‘he commanded. ‘Look!’
I straightened my back and stood there, the dustpan in my hand.
‘I’m looking,’ I said.
Well, he didn’t do it. I didn’t think he would. That’s what I was afraid of. He always took wonderful care of himself. But I went on.
Louie came in when he was telling me how he once walked a tight-rope and threatening to show me if I’d get him one. I had to leave it for that day.
The next day I started again, still on the Pollinis. At first I thought I’d frightened him. He sat there, morose and angry, while I did the room.
It was then I found out about the shirts. I told him what I thought of him and I realised more and more how necessary it was for me to hurry if she was going to have her chance at all.
He began boasting to me. ‘This time next week we shall be at Manchester. I shall tell them what she used to be like. She’s not much to look at now but I’ll put her over.’
My heart was in my mouth and I very nearly picked up the poker and did him in there and then, and it might have been just as well in a way.
However,
