up a list of ways you differ from your parents – things you like about yourself, or things that you are good at that they are not. Find ways of being the person you wanted to be – whether it is the artist or the gardener. You need to set the boundary with yourself to validate and access that part of you without outside influence.
Forever Parents: Draw up a list of skills you need to learn – whether it is using a kettle or understanding your bank account. Knowledge is power, but it also supplies confidence. Build up a boundary: politely decline parental help whenever you can realistically do something yourself: ‘Thank you, but I think that it is time I did that myself, don’t you?’ You might worry that your parents will be sad; you might also be disappointed if they are not. But you might also find a different way of being connected to them grows as a result.
Meet Mr and Mrs ‘Nightmare’ …
Within this description there are also two types: Oversteppers and Ghosts.
Oversteppers invade their child’s boundaries (and that can be on a scale from physical/sexual abuse and neglect to enforced opinion on every part of the child’s life, such as friendships, careers and who to vote for). These are the parents who have no compunction in reading a child’s private diary. Or equally might discuss an adolescent’s sexuality in front of them and others.
Ghosts are so uninterested in their child that they are simply not present either physically, emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually. At the extreme end, they are just a distant mark or memory on the horizon. Ghosts operate to different degrees – for some parents it may mean children sent to boarding school from the age of seven, to simply showing no interest in their school work.
Oversteppers
When Jennie visualises what we describe as Oversteppers, she sees giants in the child’s life; invading every detail. You could also imagine bacteria spreading into every cell of you. Think of your skin boundary and how this type of parent seeps through effortlessly, however hard you try to maintain a firm response.
When children are small, they may not fully realise that this is not healthy parenting. At some level this may be displayed in physical signs of anxiety such as bedwetting, persistent nightmares, or playing running away games. For the child, the penny may not fully drop until they begin to interact with other people’s families – and see how their friends are allowed to be themselves. This might include choosing what activities they want to do, voicing opinions without fear, being allowed to be vegetarian or not, being relaxed and noting the difference in the home.
Adolescence may be particularly volatile in an Overstepper home, thanks to the invigorating effect of hormones. A son who has always been physically punished may suddenly fight back. A daughter might run away for real. This is the time when you first begin to feel separate and different, naturally yearning towards more independence and developing your own opinions. But that inevitably leads to more clashes as the Oversteppers resent being challenged.
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