my suspicion was finally confirmed, I felt truly sick.
‘He certainly is – and it’s only right he should support his son, isn’t it?’
‘And the rest,’ Justin said bitterly. ‘You wanted extra to keep your mouth shut about who Charlie’s father was and you’ve got increasingly greedy.’
‘It’s not greed – it’s necessity. Charlie needed a nanny, and then private nursery school wasn’t cheap …’
‘And he’s at private pre-prep school now, isn’t he?’ I said slowly. ‘No wonder you were always moaning about economy and saving money, Justin, and stopped talking about us getting married and starting a family. You already had one!’
‘No, Tansy, it’s not like that –’ he began, coming towards me with the evident intention of taking me in his arms.
I backed away. ‘Don’t you come near me! Everything – every single thing I thought we had together – has been one big lie, practically from the moment Rae came back to the UK!’
Rae stood up and slung her Mulberry satchel over one thin, angular shoulder. ‘I’ll be off and leave you two to kiss and make up,’ she said. ‘But don’t think you can stop paying for Charlie now that Tansy knows, Justin, because if you do I’ll take you to court for maintenance.’
‘Just get out, Rae,’ I said. ‘I never want to see you again.’
‘How many years have you been saying that?’ She sauntered elegantly to the door and turned. ‘Ever since you turned up in our midst like a little, ugly dark goblin, and Daddy insisted we treat you as a sister. As if!’
Then she slammed the door behind her, leaving a silence you could cut with a knife.
Justin attempted to justify himself and talk me round, but there were no words that could get him out of this fix. He might look like a big, guilty schoolboy, but this was slightly more serious than who scrumped all the apples out of the orchard, so saying it was me he’d loved all the time, and he’d let Rae bleed him dry so she didn’t tell me what he’d done, just wasn’t good enough.
‘I was doing it to protect you – us!’
‘If you hadn’t slept with her in the first place, you wouldn’t have had to,’ I pointed out. ‘And because she had Charlie, you put off marrying me and starting a family all this time … right to the point where it might even be too late for me to have a baby!’
I didn’t see how I could ever forgive either of them for that.
‘I’m sure it isn’t too late, Tansy darling. Look, I know I’ve been stupid, but now that you know – if you can forgive me – there’s nothing to stop us. I don’t need to pay her through the nose any more and everything’s changed.’
‘It has – changed irrevocably,’ I said. ‘I thought you were the only man immune to my stepsisters – the only one who truly loved me.’ Despite myself, my voice wobbled a little.
‘I do,’ he insisted.
‘Justin, I’m not sure you even know the meaning of the word, but even if you do, then you don’t love me the way I am, or you wouldn’t keep going on about my weight, and the way I dress and the things I say, as if I’m suddenly not good enough – just like Mummy Dearest always tells you.’
‘Leave Mummy out of this. She’d love to see me married.’
‘Yes, to anyone except me!’
At this inopportune moment the phone on the table between us rang.
‘Answer it, why don’t you? It’s bound to be Mummy Dearest herself!’ I said bitterly.
He snatched it up and from his side of the conversation I’d clearly guessed right.
‘Mummy, can I call you back? This is a really bad time and – no, of course I care that you’re having a heart attack! Listen, Mummy, don’t –’ He paused and I could hear high-pitched and imperative quacking coming from the receiver. ‘Yes, all right, I’m on my way,’ he said resignedly, and put down the phone.
‘Summoned to Tunbridge?’
‘She’s feeling really ill. I’m sure it’s nothing but indigestion as usual, but I’d better go. I’ll be back later tonight and then we can talk things through.’
‘I don’t think we’ve anything further to discuss, Justin!’
‘Look, I know you’re upset –’
‘That’s the understatement of the year!’
‘But you must understand it was just a moment of madness – weakness, vanity – call it what you like.’ He ventured one of his persuasive, glowing smiles, the one most women found irresistible. ‘I’ve been a fool, but I don’t want to lose you, darling, and I hope you’ll be able to forgive me. I’ll ring you when I know what time I’m coming back.’
‘Don’t bother!’ I said tersely, then locked myself into the boxroom and cried until I heard him leave the flat. When I went out again, the place seemed even colder and emptier than ever and I felt much the same. I was shivering, though that was probably just with shock.
I washed my swollen red eyes with cold water, then went round the flat collecting everything that was mine and stowing it all away in whatever bags, boxes and suitcases I could find. Then I brought the Mini round to a handy space near the front door and packed as much as I could into it. I suppose it was lucky I’d always stored most of my stuff up in Lancashire in my old bedroom, as if subconsciously I’d known my stay here was temporary.
Only my little drawing desk and a couple of large portfolios remained, and I left those in the boxroom, with a note asking him not to let his mother throw them out until I’d got Timmy to come round with his camper van to pick them up for me.
I took one last look round at the sterile rooms, which resembled a minimalist stage set without all my brightly coloured bits and pieces, and then I was off – straight back north like a homing pigeon.
I could have stayed the night with Timmy and Joe, though they’re the other side of London, but I didn’t think of that until I was well on the way to Sticklepond, when it suddenly occurred to me that I couldn’t just turn up early – it would be a shock to Aunt Nan – so I stopped at a motel chain for the night. I was in no fit state to drive any further that night anyway, really, because I don’t think I’d stopped crying since Justin had left the flat and everything just kept playing over and over in my mind.
Justin texted me on my mobile several times, presumably after he returned and found me gone, but I deleted his messages unread. There wasn’t anything he could say that could make this better.
Chapter 6: True Lovers Not
As well as the bara brith and Welshcakes, Mother taught me how to make Meddyginiaeth Llysieuol, which is Welsh for herbal medicine, though really it’s a sort of honey mead with herbs and very good for you. I still make it and I’ve shared the recipe with Tansy, though I’m not giving
