And you seem to be really pally with him now.’
‘Oh come on, now what’s so awful about that? It’s … I can’t describe it, but it’s just comforting to have an actual friend. A buddy. Particularly a tough male one who makes me laugh whenever he threatens to sort out Seth Coleman,’ I smile. ‘Mainly because I know he’s not messing. He really would if I asked.’
‘No, no, that wasn’t what I meant at all,’ she muses, totally lost in thought and staring at the stressed hostess on Come Dine with Me getting her dinner guests steadily drunker and drunker to compensate for a curry that looks not unlike pig slop. Prison food, as Jake would say.
‘What, then? Come on, you have to tell me.’
‘Just thinking ahead really, I suppose,’ Helen eventually says, not able to look me in the eye.
‘Ahead to when exactly?’ I say, exasperated now.
‘Look,’ she eventually says. ‘I know I’ve never even met Jake …’
‘We’ve already been over this, hon. You know it’s impossible. For starters, who’d take care of Lily if I was to introduce the two of you?’
‘I know, I know all this,’ she says, stretching out to the bottle of Pinot on the coffee table in front of her and generously topping up both our glasses.
‘But the fact is, I can’t stop myself from thinking ahead to whenever you decide the time is right for him and Lily to meet up. In a heartbeat, the minute she meets him is the minute Jake realises you’ve been holding back on him all that time. You don’t think he’ll wonder why you kept the fact that you had a daughter from him? A daughter that’s his? Because how exactly do you think that’ll make him feel? And how exactly do you suggest explaining that one away? Or is your plan right now to just disappear out of his life as quickly as you came into it, leave him to his own devices and just hope and pray that he’s still on the right track, by the time Lily is old enough to track him down for herself? Because it seems to me that your work with him is done. You’ve woven your magic and transformed an ex-con into an upstanding middle-class teacher, who you probably make go around with a tweed jacket and matching leather elbow patches to prove it and who, knowing you, you’ll have driving round in some teachery style Fiat Punto in no time …’
‘I do not … !’
Though come to think of it, not a bad idea.
‘Eloise, all I’m saying is this. You’re dealing with a human being here, not another project that you’ve successfully managed. Yes, you and he are now the unlikeliest of friends and that’s terrific, if it’s what you want. You really like him; I sometimes think an awful lot more than you even know. But friends don’t lie to each other or keep things from each other. And you’re keeping so much from him, it makes my head spin. So just be honest with him. Because sooner or later, the day will come when he’ll find out exactly how much you were holding back. And what I’d very much like to know is this; what’ll your master plan be then?’
And as she’s chatting, suddenly out of nowhere, a new and disconnected worry hits me square in the face. I sit bolt upright in the chair and just stare straight ahead, miles away.
‘What is it?’ Helen asks, sensing the shift in mood.
‘Just thought of something else. Oh shit, I can’t believe it never struck me before this.’
‘Come on, spit it out.’
‘Well … All along I’ve blithely assumed that I’d one day introduce Lily to Jake and that he’d automatically love and adore her the way everyone loves and adores her and would immediately want to be a part of her life. But supposing I’m wrong? Suppose I’ve read the whole thing arseways?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘There’s something that neither of us has considered. Just say I come clean to Jake as you suggest and he baulks at the whole idea and wants absolutely nothing to do with Lily? Which, let’s face it, the guy would be perfectly entitled to do. Not to mention legally entitled; you should have seen the amount of paperwork at the Reilly Institute they showed me, all of which has to be signed by prospective donors, clearly stating that they’ll not pursue any rights of access to any offspring. The question is … What do I tell Lily then? That I know who her dad is, but that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her?’
She doesn’t answer me. And all I can do is keep staring distractedly into space, mulling the whole thing over.
A long, long pause worthy of a Samuel Beckett play, before Helen eventually breaks the silence.
‘You want my advice?’ she eventually asks, distractedly swirling her wine round and round the glass.
‘Please,’ I say, sounding and feeling like a total dullard.
‘Plan A, you come clean with him. Now, without delaying it any longer. You do what friends do, and you tell him the truth. It’s a bit late in coming, but better late than never. And I mean everything – about why you tracked him down, about Lily, and most of all, why she’s the real reason you wanted to give him a bit of a boost up in life. He may not take it well, may be shocked, even annoyed with you for not being straight with him after all this time, but in the long run, at least you’ll have got it off your chest and done the right thing. And if he doesn’t want to see Lily, then at the very least you’ve been honest with him and given him the choice.’
‘And what’s your plan B?’ I ask Helen, in a tiny voice that I hardly recognise as my own.
‘You’re not going to like it.’
‘Tell me.’
‘Plan B is you cut all ties with him. Starting from now. Stop hanging round together. You’ve helped him all you can, so now call it a day. Because leaving aside the fact that he may not even choose to be a part of Lily’s life, what you’re doing is so grossly unfair. You’ve made friends with someone who at the end of the day, you’re effectively leading up the garden path. You’re deceiving him. Every bit of time you spend with him, you’re more or less lying to him. So just think for a second; how would you like it if someone treated you like that? I know you say it’s lovely to have a buddy, but trust me, this is not how friends treat each other. So I don’t envy you either of your two options love, but that’s the way it is. Come clean with him, or else stop being deceptive. And the only way to do that is to step away from the vehicle.’
Then she looks keenly at me.
‘So what’s it to be?’
Still silence from me.
‘Come on! Not like you to dither.’
I can’t articulate this out loud, but, well, cutting ties with Jake just doesn’t appeal. Not at all. I’d … I’d miss him. He’s the only pal I have that I’m not related to and I can’t even get my head around what life would be like without him.
‘Eloise?’
I lace my fingers through my hair with sheer frustration.
‘Okay then, but you won’t like it. I honestly don’t know what to do, is the answer. All I really want is for everything to stay just as it is. Until I decide what to do and more importantly, when the time is right to do
