the Green the other day?’
‘Yes, I remember. Monique, wasn’t it?’
Hard to forget the Girl from Ipanema, tall and tanned and young and lovely and the adoring way she batted her two-inch long Bambi eyelashes in Jake’s direction.
‘As a matter of fact …’
And I swear with a journalist’s knife-edge instinct, that I already know what’s coming next.
‘She’s been asking me out for a while, so we’re just going out for drinks to celebrate my exams being over at the end of the week. Just as pals, you know.’
‘Oh, I see.’
‘You and I have always been straight with each other, so I just thought I’d let you know.’
Me? Straight with you? You don’t know the half of it, sunshine, I think, barely able to meet his open, trusting, blue eyes. So exactly like Lily’s that it would melt a heart of stone.
‘Oh absolutely,’ I manage to smile brightly, ‘that’s great news.’
‘Yeah, she’s a lovely girl, Monique. She’s twenty-two.’
‘Twenty-two?’
‘Yup. Teaches Bikram yoga and as you probably gathered the other day, needs English lessons VERY badly.’
‘Yoga?’ I repeat stupidly.
‘So just in case you were worried about me taking the partners thing seriously …’
‘Oh no, no, not at all …’
‘But if you want me to go with you as your buddy, you can count on me. You know that.’
‘No worries. Have a lovely night and I’ll see you during the week?’
‘Sure, I’ll call you once my exams are out of the way.’
‘Best of luck!’ I call after him brightly, and two seconds later, he’s gone.
I knock back the dregs of my wine and speed dial Helen the minute he’s gone, hissing everything that’s just happened down the phone to her.
‘You mean you didn’t get to tell him?’
‘Couldn’t. I tried my best, I really did, then Sir Gavin and bloody Seth Coleman interrupted us.’
‘I don’t believe it!’
‘I know, I nearly choked.’
‘So tell him before you go away for the weekend then.’
‘Can’t.’ I sigh helplessly. ‘He’s got five full days of exams ahead. How can I land this on him on this of all weeks? If he failed, it would be entirely my fault. And he’s worked so hard.’
‘The weekend then. You’ll have to tell him then. You can’t put it off any longer. You’ve waited this long, you can wait another six days, can’t you? And until then, just stop all your worrying and put it out of your head. Nothing else you can do. In fact, the weekend is probably an even better time, because it’s down the country and you’ll be able to snatch a bit of time alone together, won’t you?’
I’m only half-listening to her though.
‘And another thing, he’s dating that slapper we saw him with in the Green yesterday.’
‘Oh shit, you’re kidding me.’
‘When do I ever?’
‘You know what?’ she says to the soundtrack of Lily bashing out Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the piano in the background. ‘I’m quite psychic. Saw this coming a mile off.’
‘Saw what exactly coming?’
‘Well, you’ve gone and done all the heavy lifting on him, haven’t you?’
‘Explain?’
‘You’ve gone and found this rough diamond and sanded him down and moulded a perfect gentleman out of clay: you’ve groomed him and prepped him and all for what? So some other girl can just step in and have all the benefit? I don’t know what he was like when you first met him, but to look at him now, you’d think, that guy can have anyone he wants. He’s perfect. Handsome, lovely, kind, polite, intelligent. And you’re the one who made it all happen. I often think the same about me and Darren, you know. I’ve spent years honing and sanding down his rough edges and if we ever break up, what’ll happen? The next girl that comes along will get all the benefit of all my long years of patiently grafting and nagging and he’ll be married to her within a year. Seen it happen a thousand times.’
‘Helen love, just so you know, men aren’t always the answer.’
‘Then why do we always end up talking about them?’
‘And another thing; don’t forget that Sir Gavin’s wife insists on being addressed as Lady Hume.’
‘Ah get off the stage, please tell me you’re having a laugh.’
‘When do you ever see me joking?’
‘You’re seriously telling me that I have to call her your ladyship?’
‘Yup. Won’t answer to anything else these days. Unless she happens to have a few drinks in her, in which case you may be invited to call her by her Christian name.’
‘Where does she think she’s living anyway? Versailles? Late eighteenth century?’
‘Jake, just do as I ask, please.’
‘Out of curiosity, what’s her real name anyway?’
‘You ready for this? Shania.’
Okay now I actually have to hold the phone away from my ear, he’s guffawing that hard.
‘Sorry,’ he all but snorts, ‘just getting a mental picture of the reaction Lady Shania Hume the Fourth, or whatever she calls herself, would get if she started giving herself airs and graces round where I come from.’
‘Well, in that case, you’ll love this. She’s inner-city born and bred and if you’re to believe the rumour mill, worked in Burdock’s chipper there for years. Became a model, worked her way up, met Sir Gavin when he was just a humble hack, and never looked back. During the Celtic Tiger years, her proudest boast was that the highlights in her hair matched her car.’
‘Piss off.’
‘Jake! Language like that in front of the T. Rexes and I will personally murder you!’
‘I know, I know. Will you chill out, for feck’s sake?’
‘Course now she’s all in with the Kildare horsey set and to see her swanning around the place, you’d nearly swear she was reared in a stately home and related to the Middletons. She’s even changed her accent too and now she sounds posher than
