realize no one was watching anyway. We’re so used to events being portrayed in particular ways that when they actually happen to us, and our life bears no resemblance to expectation, we don’t really know how we’re supposed to respond. Our lives are unrecognizable to us. Should we still try to be happy, when everything seems so flawed and out of kilter and grey? How are we supposed to be content, when everything on television is so much better?
I believed that Bobby had already found the truth, and that my birth was not recorded in Hunter’s Rock, but I had to check for myself. All of the time I’d been driven around by Chip Farling, my childhood had been pulling at me with cold fingers. If my parents had gone somewhere else for my birth, maybe it wasn’t that important. Could be they’d gone away for the weekend, a last chance before their family expanded, and had been caught short somewhere far from home. But surely that was the kind of story you tell your child, the kind of anecdote that makes each life unique? I could only assume that it had not been revealed because of the fact that wherever this birth had taken place, it had been of twins. Why this should have made a difference, and why they had done what they had gone on to do, I still had no idea. Perhaps this was the gap that I had unconsciously sculpted my life around. Everyone feels that way some of the time. But I felt it a lot. And maybe I’d finally found out why.
I don’t know how long the noise had been going on. Not long, I think. But gradually I realized that I could hear a quiet lapping sound. It seemed very close by, so close that I turned in my seat. There was nothing behind me. When I turned round again I realized I had misjudged the direction, and that it was coming from the far end of the pool. It was a little too dark to see, but it sounded as if water was sloshing quietly into the far end. I sat forward in my chair, surprised. The water in the pool was getting a little deeper: slowly, but noticeably. It was no longer only a few inches deep, but about a foot. It was only then that I realized that there were two people in the pool. Right down at the far end. One was a little taller than the other, and both were at first no more than bulky shadows. They were holding hands as they struggled forward, pushing against the viscous water as it rose. The watery sounds got louder as the pool began to fill more quickly, and the movement of the figures became more vigorous as they tried to come up toward the shallow end, up towards me.
By now the moonlight had caught their features and I knew it was my mother and father. They could have made better progress if they had let go of each other, but they didn’t. Even after the water was over their waists, their hands were linked under the surface. I think they saw me. They were looking in my direction, at least. My father’s mouth opened and closed, but if he made any sound it never reached me. Their free arms cut down into the heavy water, but made no splashes, and still it got deeper. It made no difference how close they got. The pool did not become more shallow. The water did not stop rising. It did not stop even after it had gone up to their chins, even after it had begun to slop over the edges of the pool and spill like dark mercury around my feet. My mother’s eyes were calm until the end: it was my father in whom I saw panic, for the first time in my life, and it was his hand that was the last thing visible, as they almost reached the end, still sinking, but reaching up for me.
When my eyes flew open it was dawn, and Bobby was standing over me, shaking his head.
I sat up, eyes wide, and saw that my pack of cigarettes was no longer in my lap but lying in the six inches of crap at the bottom of the pool. I looked at Bobby, and he winked.
‘Must have twitched in your sleep,’ he said.
By late morning it had been confirmed. No Ward Hopkins, no Hopkins of any flavour, had ever been born in Hunter’s Rock. I talked to a nice young lady behind a desk, who said she’d see if she could find any other information. I couldn’t see what else would be helpful, and it soon became apparent that she couldn’t either but was trying to help out of a combination of compassion and boredom. I gave her my number and left.
Bobby was standing on the pavement outside, talking on his phone. I looked dumbly up and down the street until he was finished. Even though I’d known it was coming, I felt dispossessed. It was like being sat down and told that you hadn’t come out of your mother’s tummy after all, but really had been deposited under a bush by a stork. I’d had my tonsils removed in that little hospital, visited it to get two separate sets of stitches in youthful knees. On each occasion I’d believed that I had been revisiting the place where I’d been born.
‘Well, my friend,’ Bobby said eventually. ‘The upstanding men and women of the Dyersburg police department would surely like to know where you are. You’ll be gratified to hear that this appears to be out of a concern for your well-being. At the moment.’
‘And the house?’
‘Extensive damage to living room and hallway, chunk of lower stairway destroyed. But not burned to the ground.’
‘So what now?’
‘Show me your old house,’ he said.
I looked at him. ‘Why?’
‘Well, honey, because you’re big and blond and gorgeous and I want to know everything about you.’
‘Fuck off,’ I suggested, supporting the notion with a weary hand gesture. ‘It’s a dumb and pointless idea.’
‘You got any better suggestions? This doesn’t look like a town with limitless entertainment options.’
I took us out along the main street. I couldn’t work out whether it was the new or the old stuff that looked most unfamiliar. The most noticeable thing was that the old Jane’s Market had been knocked down, replaced by a small Holiday Inn with one of the new-style boxy little signs. I miss the big old googie ones. I really do. I don’t understand why rectangles are supposed to be better.
When we were nearly there I drove more slowly, and finally pulled over on the opposite side. It had been ten years since I’d last looked at the house, maybe more. It looked pretty much the same – though it had been repainted in the intervening time and the trees and shrubs around it had changed. A family vehicle of Far Eastern provenance was parked in the drive, and three bikes were stowed neatly around the side.
After a minute I saw a shape passing behind the front window and then disappearing from sight. Just a nondescript suburban dwelling, but it looked like a gingerbread house in a fairy tale. Its reality was too strong, too compelling, as if overloaded with MSG. I tried to remember exactly when I’d last been inside. It seemed inconceivable that I hadn’t wanted to visit again before it passed into someone else’s hands. Had I really been so bad at seeing how things might one day be different?
‘Are you ready for this?’
I realized that my hands were shaking a little. I turned to him. ‘Ready for what?’
‘Going inside.’
‘I’m not going inside.’
‘Yes you are,’ he said, patiently.
‘Bobby – have you lost your mind? Somebody else lives there now. There’s no way I’m going in that house.’
‘Listen to me. Couple of years ago my old man died. Didn’t matter much to me – we got on like shit. But my mother called, asked me home for the burial. I was busy. Didn’t make it. Six months later I realized I was acting kind of weird. Nothing you’d put your finger on. Things were just stressing me out. All the time. Getting anxious when there was nothing specific to make me that way. A panic attack kind of thing, I guess. Holes kept opening in front of me.’
I didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t
