this sound is ‘put through’ to her mind.
How does all of the above relate to children? Think of all the things that are said about children when they are supposedly not listening. Then remember their acute listening powers (a sweet wrapper at 50 metres!). We may well include the time when they are asleep for there is clear evidence that sounds and speech are taken in even as a person dreams and sleeps.
Also, there is that obvious time when a child has not yet learnt (or decided to let you know) that it can speak. The baby, for months before it speaks much, can follow much of what is intended, if not every word.
I am often amazed by parents, who have been fighting bitterly for years or are desperately unhappy for some reason, telling me, ‘Of course, the kids know nothing about it’. Children, in fact, know almost everything about everything. They may oblige you by keeping it to themselves or only show it indirectly by bedwetting or trying to murder their siblings, but they know. So, if you talk about your children, be sure you are saying what you really want to say. This, too, is a direct channel to their minds.
And why not start to use this channel to boost them by saying what you genuinely like and appreciate to others while they’re in earshot? This is especially useful at ages/stages when direct praise is embarrassing to them.
Hearing and healing
This story is told by one of my teachers, Dr Virginia Satir.
A child had just been operated on for tonsil removal and, back in the ward, was failing to stop bleeding. Dr Satir joined the concerned staff in examining the still-open cuts in the child’s throat.
On an impulse, she asked what was happening in the theatre at the time of the operation.
‘Oh, we’d just finished a throat cancer operation on an old lady.’
‘What were you talking about.’
‘Oh that last operation, and how she didn’t have much chance of living – there was too much damage.’
Dr Satir’s mind worked fast. She saw the child undergoing the simple and routine procedure, under general anaesthetic, while the staff talked about the previous patient: ‘not much chance of living’, ‘pretty bad shape’.
Quickly, she asked that the child be taken back to the theatre. She instructed the staff in what to say:
‘Gee this kid looks good and healthy, not like the old lady we operated on before.’ ‘This kid has a nice healthy throat.’ ‘She’ll be healed in a jiffy and back playing with her friends!’
The bleeding stopped, the anaesthetic wore off and the child went home the next day.
Anchoring
Anchoring is one of the most recent discoveries in hypnosis. Scientists have realised that a message goes most deeply into a person’s mind if it is accompanied by other signals that reinforce it.
This is really quite simple.
If a person says to you, ‘You’re a pest!’, you will probably feel rather put out. If he says it with a frown and a loud voice, this will be worse. If he says it very loudly, moves towards you whilst making menacing movements and appears somewhat out of control, then you have a problem.
If he happens to be three times larger than you and is one of your family – on whom your well-being depends – you will probably remember the incident for the rest of your life.
Modern-day men and women, especially those of us of Anglo-Saxon descent, tend to be constrained in our day-to-day life. We do not act or speak with very much passion or force. It’s not that we are low-key and relaxed – just more controlled and bottled up. We tend to keep our good and bad feelings to ourselves and, when things go badly, we try to carry the burden without giving any outward signs. Consequently, when we finally do blow up or break down, we often surprise both ourselves and those around us. If the feeling being released is anger and frustration, then those around us may feel that we have lost control and are dangerous to them…and we may agree!
Because of this, our children may live in a situation where day-to-day messages are fairly vague and indirect: ‘Now don’t do that, darling, come along’, ‘There’s a good boy’. Both positive and negative messages are casual and not great in their impact.
Then, one day, when life has really overloaded Mum or Dad, there comes a powerful outburst, ‘You little brat, I wish you’d shut up’, anchored with wild eyes, sudden, close proximity, never-before-heard volume and a sense of quivering lack of control that is quite unforgettable. The message is inescapable, although untrue: this is what Mum or Dad really thinks of me!
The words that overwrought parents choose at these times can be remarkably strong.
‘I wish you’d never been born.’
‘You’re a stupid, stupid child.’
‘You’re killing me, do you hear?’
‘I’d like to throttle you!’
It’s not bad to get angry at or around children. On the contrary, children need to learn that one can be angry and discharge tension and be heard, in safety. Elizabeth Kubler Ross says that real anger lasts 20 seconds and is mostly noise. The problem comes when the positive messages (‘You are great’, ‘We love you’, ‘We’ll look after you’) are not equally strong or reliable. Often, although we feel these, we do not communicate them.
Almost every child is dearly loved, but many children do not know this fact; many adults will go to their death still believing that they were a nuisance and a disappointment to their parents. It is one of the most moving moments in family therapy to be able to clear away this mis-understanding.
At the times when a child’s life goes shaky – when a new baby is brought home, when a marriage breaks up, when failure occurs at school, when there is no work for a hopeful teenager – it is important to give positive messages, anchored with a hand on a shoulder and a clear look in the eye: whatever happens, you are special and important to us. We know you’re great.
So far we’ve talked about the unconscious programming of children to be unhappy adults. There are lots of direct ways too!
WHAT NOT TO DO
When disciplining, use put-downs instead of simple demands.
Use put-downs in a friendly way; say, as a pet-name.
Compare!
Set an example!
