my God,” she said. “You are the absolute worst liar ever.”
“I’m not lying.”
“You fell dead silent when that report came on just now. Don’t try to hide it. I have excellent cure-dar.”
“Cure-dar?”
“Uh huh. Remember when I said Jesse Padgett had it done? She totally did. You could tell because she’d clam right up whenever the subject came up. Just like you did there. You should look in the mirror. Your face is so red right now. You look like a giant tomato.”
“Aw, Jesus.”
“You did it! You did it! You did it! I can’t believe this. You slippery bastard!”
She got the confession in record time and beamed in delight at the accomplishment. Her eyes bugged and she smiled proudly. She has a snaggletooth and loves to flaunt it as a distinguishing feature.
“Don’t go broadcasting this all over the place, all right?”
“Oh, I won’t tell anyone,” she said. “I promise you that. But you’re gonna tell me everything.”
“They haven’t even finished yet.”
“They haven’t finished? What do they do to you? Tell me, tell me, tell me. I heard you get sixty shots, all in the armpit.”
“No. They just took my blood, and then a week from now they give me three shots. That’s it.”
“That’s it? Holy underwear. What did it cost?”
“Seven thousand bucks.”
“Seven grand?”
“Shh!”
“That’s nothing! That’s less than nothing! I once expensed a tab at Lusardi’s that was bigger than that! You have to tell me how to do it.”
“I can’t.”
“Oh, bullshit.”
“This doctor will only take direct referrals from a small circle of people he knows, and one of them happens to be a friend. No extra degrees of separation beyond that. It’s like a drug dealer, I swear.”
“So just give me your guy’s name and I’ll say I know him.”
“I can’t.”
“Oh, please. Who made you guardian of the fountain? What—is this like your little boys’ club? Do you all go get the cure and then take a naked swim together? Is that it?”
“I just don’t want to get anyone in trouble. They asked me not to refer anyone.”
“This is so unfair. Who’s the guy you know? Is it Schilling? I bet it’s Schilling.”
“No…”
Another crooked, triumphant grin.
“It is! This is amazing. I don’t even need a polygraph. All I have to do is ask you a question and wait for your head to blow up.”
“Regardless, you still need the address and phone number from me.”
“Well, why hold it back? Honestly. Give me one good reason, apart from your little pinky swear not to, that I don’t deserve the information and you do. I’ve never known you to be timid about anything. But I ask you about this and you turn into a mute. Come on. Don’t be so annoying. It’s not like people won’t find out at some point that you’re having it done. In fact, judging by how quickly I found out, the whole city should know by morning.”
“Okay. Fine. I will give you all the information. After I’ve gotten the final shots a week from now. And, you have to pay the cable bill for six months.”
“What?”
“Referral fee,” I said. “It’s only fair.”
“You’re such a goddamn lawyer.”
“Those are the terms. We have a deal?”
“We do. I can’t believe you found it. Oh, I love you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Yes! You know I’ve been trying to find a curist for months now? I am so relieved. This is gonna be incredible. Except… You’re sure this guy’s legit, right?”
“Yes.”
“Because you know about all the bogus ones out there, right? How do you know this guy isn’t gonna inject you with Cascade? Remember the lady in Queens who had that done to her last week?”
“I’m certain it won’t be Cascade. For one thing, this doctor has no dishes to wash.”
“Okay, then I’ll wait until you get your shots. And if you don’t drop dead on the spot, I’m definitely calling him. I am so excited! I’m gonna be twenty-seven forever! And I don’t have to go to São Paulo to do it!”
She sprung up and rushed to the kitchen, then froze halfway there.
“Oh, Christ,” she said. “Do you know what I just realized? I’m always gonna get my period. That sucks.”
“Seems like a minor sticking point.”
“We could be roommates forever too. Do you want to sign a hundred-year lease?”
“No.”
“Your loss, because I am gonna party my ass off until the year 5000!”
Then she poured a glass of Shiraz to the brim and danced on the sofa.
Date Modified: 6/13/2019, 10:02AM
“Cake-Batter Mixes Are One Of The Great Food Innovations Of The Past Sixty Years”
That’s the kind of thing you hear when you talk with my dad for any considerable length of time. I don’t want to say he goes off on tangents, because that would suggest he has a main topic from which to deviate. I enjoy his company because he never answers any question with the phrase “I don’t know.” He either knows, or he’ll talk out of his ass until he’s convinced you he knows. It’s a skill I’ve yet to master.
I’m due to get the cure finished off on Monday. I should be all excited at the prospect of beginning the rest of my indefinitely elongated life, but I’ve found myself increasingly impatient as I grow closer. All I’ve done the past few days is calculate population figures and think about death—mine or anyone else’s. I don’t enjoy thinking about death, which is one of the reasons I wanted the cure in the first place. Now, I seem to be obsessing over it. The irony of it all is infuriating.
All of this ruminating and provocation was beginning to feel like a vise on my head. I was getting sick of endlessly talking about it with myself. I needed an outlet. Someone besides Katy. Any time I bring up the cure with her, she screams out in ecstasy and packs a bowl. She’s got a fabulous attitude about the whole thing, but I needed to go a bit deeper. Besides, I was already visiting my dad for the weekend, and
