relationship.
“It never works,” he told her. “Have you ever heard of a case where it works?”
Ruth liked the serious way he asked these questions, as if she were a mature adult with a wide experience of the world, someone he could count on for good advice.
“It didn't work for my sister,” she said. “And she and Rich were only an hour apart. I guess she just wanted to make a fresh start or something.”
“That's kinda how I'm feeling,” Paul admitted. “But I don't know how to say it. Missy's just so emotional these days. She cries over every little thing.”
Ruth usually considered herself a compassionate person, but she found it impossible to scrape up any sympathy for Missy, who refused to say hi to her in the halls even though they'd spent several Saturday mornings together in the fall, sorting glass and metal at the Recycling Center. Ruth just hated that, the way someone could be so nice to you one day, then cut you dead the next.
“She's probably just scared,” Ruth speculated. “About going away and everything.”
“Personally, I can't wait. I mean, don't you think it gets a little boring around here?”
“A little?” she said, and he gave a knowing laugh that made her feel thrillingly conspiratorial, like the two of them knew something that crybaby Missy didn't.
Every day she followed him inside and set his backpack and trumpet down on the kitchen table, then suffered through an excruciating moment of suspense, waiting for him to ask if she'd like a sandwich or a soda, or even a glass of ice water, but he never did. It was as if he'd taken her refusal on the first day as a statement of principle, a philosophical objection to food and drink.
THE WEATHER turned warm at the end of April, a glorious stretch of perfect days—birdsong, blue sky, blossoms dropping from fruit trees in little blizzards of pink and green. If Ruth had owned a dog, she would've taken it for a walk, but instead she changed into terry-cloth gym shorts and a T-shirt, spread a beach towel out on the lawn of her backyard, and lay down on top of it, her face to the sun. She could hear the sound of Paul's trumpet wafting out from his bedroom window, quivering in the air above her. He was playing a jazzed-up version of “My Favorite Things,” and she let herself imagine that he was watching her from his window, including her among the raindrops and roses and brown-paper packages.
Even at that age—especially at that age—Ruth wasn't in the habit of thinking of herself as beautiful. At best, she figured, she was a 6 on the 1-10 scale that lots of ugly, obnoxious boys were happy to use on girls, but wouldn't have dreamed of applying to themselves. She believed that she deserved an above-average score due to the fact that there was nothing obviously wrong with her—she had a decent body and an okay face, no weird moles or facial hair or skin problems, nothing disfigured or bizarrely out of proportion. On the other hand, she lacked any of the truly outstanding features that would have qualified for the top group—her boobs were little, her face “cute” rather than “pretty,” her hair mousy and a bit limp. You developed a fairly realistic assessment of yourself growing up in the shadow of an older sister who'd been turning the heads of grown men since she was twelve. If Mandy had been out here in her string bikini—she was a devoted sun worshipper, always happy for an excuse to show some skin—Ruth would've made sure to stay far away, out of range of unkind comparisons. But today she was alone, without a doubt the prettiest girl in the yard, and she wished she'd been brave enough to wear a bathing suit or at least a tube top, to allow her body to be appreciated on its own modest terms.
She picked up the copy of Even Cowgirls Get the Blues that she'd checked out of the library on Paul's recommendation, and tried to get started. But it was hard to coax her mind into visualizing an imaginary reality when the one right in front of her was so vividly and insistently alive—the marshmallow clouds drifting overhead, the garden ducks pinwheeling their wooden wings in the breeze, the inchworm making its ticklish journey up her shin. At some point she realized that the music had stopped, and couldn't keep herself from casting an anxious glance at Paul's bedroom window. But all she saw was the sunlight reflecting off the glass, a blinding glare where his face would've been.
THE NEXT day they were careful with each other on the way home from school, less talkative than usual. They had already turned onto their block by the time Paul asked her if she was enjoying the Tom Robbins novel.
“I'm not really sure,” she said. “I tried to read it yesterday, but I couldn't concentrate.”
“Why not?”
“I don't know. I guess my mind was on other things.”
“That's weird,” he said. “I was trying to practice my trumpet and the same thing happened to me. Couldn't keep my mind on the music.”
“Spring fever.”
“Must be.”
Her heart felt big and jumpy as she followed him into the kitchen, certain that they'd crossed a point of no return. She set his stuff on the table and turned to him with a solemn expression.
“So,” she said.
“Yeah,” he agreed.
She didn't really know where to go from here, how you got from the talking to the rest of it, and he seemed just as baffled as she was, though he had less excuse, being older and more experienced. They stared at each other until the silence got embarrassing. She addressed her next question to the floor.
“I guess you have to practice, huh?”
“An hour a day.”
“You're really disciplined.”
“What about you?” he asked. “Will you be out in the yard?”
“Probably.” She hesitated for a moment, giving him one more chance to save her. “I guess I better go, huh?”
All he had to do was say, No, don't go. Stay here with me for a while. But he didn't say anything, didn't make the smallest gesture to stop her, which made it impossible for her to do anything but leave. She could feel the frustration in his eyes as she headed for the door. It was painful, like being trapped in a bad dream where all you had to do was say one thing, but you didn't know the words.
RUTH LAY down on her towel in a purple one-piece bathing suit and pretended to read. It was a kind of torture, knowing how close he was, how simple it would be if she could only find the courage to take matters into her own hands, to walk across the lawn and ring his doorbell.
He was playing his trumpet again, but it was just scales, no more songs that might be secret messages, and the mechanical up-and-down-and-up of it started to drive her a little crazy, as monotonous as a chain saw or an ice-cream-truck jingle. She rolled onto her stomach, sealed her ears with her index fingers, and forced herself to concentrate on the novel. The story was ridiculous—something about a girl with big thumbs and her friend named Bonanza Jellybean—and it suddenly seemed like Paul had made a fool of her, convincing her to lie outside in a bathing suit and read this stupid book for nothing.
For nothing.
She cried out in frustration and scrambled to her feet, leaving the towel and the book behind as she hurried across the lawn to her house. She had just reached the patio when she heard a window being raised. Paul poked his head outside, peering down at her from the second floor.
“Ruthie,”
