But if Tom doesn’t comply then calmly warn him of the consequences, as you did the day before and, if necessary, remove the lorry, returning it later to the toy box so that it doesn’t become an issue.
It is essential to be positive and assume good behaviour in your child, as otherwise you will be setting yourself up for failure. Your feelings of negativity will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and your expectations of bad behaviour met. The term ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ applies to many situations, throughout life, and is a useful concept to remember when managing your child. Simply, it is a prediction that causes itself to become true. So that if you are in a negative frame of mind and expecting the worst, then almost certainly the worst will come to you. Conversely, if you are positive, then your body language will express this in hundreds of subtle signals that others subconsciously pick up and react to. Some studies have suggested that non-verbal communication – i.e. body language – accounts for 55 per cent of our communication, with tone of voice making up 38 per cent and words a mere 7 per cent. Children (and adults) read non-verbal signs and act accordingly.
When managing your child’s behaviour, feel positive and act positively, even if things aren’t going well. Your child will tune into your positive ‘vibes’: Mum likes me, and Mum knows I’m going to behave, therefore I will. Remember that children are not born to challenge you and misbehave; there is no naughty gene, despite what you might feel sometimes. Children are clean slates upon which you can write. Even if there has been a lot of negative behaviour in the past, using the 3Rs you can wipe the slate clean and by being positive improve your child’s behaviour.
Control
Much of managing a child’s behaviour is about control – yours and the child’s. Clearly you should not be a control freak, trying to remove all traits of assertion or individuality from your child. But children of all ages need their parents to be in control and to guide them. Every day brings new situations for the developing child, where decisions have to be made, advice given and control implemented by you.
Before you ask a child to do something, or stop him from doing something, always make sure what you are asking is a reasonable and necessary Request. You will know if it is reasonable because there will be a reason attached to it – ‘Tom, please don’t pull the cat’s tail. It’s unkind and hurts the cat.’ This is a reasonable Request and you can see it through using the 3Rs.
But what about this? ‘Tom, don’t bang that drum. It’s getting on my nerves.’ Is this reasonable? Possibly. The relentless banging of a drum at close proximity is enough to get on anyone’s nerves. But wouldn’t it be more reasonable to say, ‘Tom, take the drum into the front room/down the garden, please, where it’s not so loud for me’? I think this is more reasonable. Tom can have his fun, and you, the parent, will not have your nerves shredded by the relentless banging. If Tom refuses what is now a Reasonable Request, then employ the 3Rs to see through your Request.
It is surprising just how many of these little ‘reasonableness’ situations there are every day, and we need to base our Requests on what is reasonable for both us, the parents, and the child. Here are some examples:
* It is reasonable for Tom to sit at the table and eat nicely.
* It is reasonable for Tom to use an overall when painting so that his clothes don’t get spoiled.
* It is reasonable for Claire to have her hair washed, although she doesn’t like it.
* It is not reasonable to switch off the television in the middle of Claire’s favourite programme (which she always watches) to have her hair washed because that is what you have decided. Insisting on this because it suits you is an unnecessary and unhealthy form of control.
* It is not reasonable for Tom never to be allowed to paint because of the mess he will make. Tom needs to play (and make a mess), and he can be taught to help clear up.
Control isn’t only about you, the parent, steering your child to good and acceptable behaviour: it is also about the child’s right of control. Children of all ages need some control over their lives in order to grow into healthy responsible adults. If children are never allowed to make their own decisions (and mistakes), they will have nothing on which to base teenage or adult decision making. The child will feel that he or she has no right to an opinion, no voice and therefore little or no control over their life. This leaves them very vulnerable and at the mercy of anyone who wants to dominate or use them; it is exactly this type of child (and adult) who is taken advantage of, or even abused. Parents who are over-controlling tend to produce either introverted and excruciatingly shy children, or those who fly in the face of convention and the law, often into their late teens and early twenties.
Alternatively, a child who has been given no control, and therefore no moral code to guide them when decision making, can rebel as a teenager and become out of control – and thus a danger to themselves and others.
Control is therefore about balance, with the parent exerting enough control to socialise the child, but not so much as to obliterate individuality, spontaneity or character. Encourage appropriate control in children through their decision making, allowing freedom of choice where appropriate. If you decide something isn’t appropriate, then explain why and see through your reasonable decision, using the 3Rs.
Reasonable Requests and decisions equals reasonable control for you and the child. But what decisions can a child reasonably be expected to make? Here are some examples:
* It is reasonable for Tom and Claire to decide (with guidance) which clothes to wear, as long as it is appropriate – not shorts and T-shirt in winter, or pyjamas to school.
* It is reasonable for Tom and Claire to decide which toys to play with, and if they want tomato sauce on their dinner.
On the other hand, it is reasonable for you to decide:
* their bedtimes
* what time they get up in the morning in order to arrive at nursery or school on time
* how much television they watch and which programmes are suitable.
Likewise you make the decision not to allow Tom or Claire to:
* use matches (when young)
* ride their bikes in the road (until it is age appropriate and they can navigate the traffic)
* tie up and blindfold their younger sibling, as the game will frighten him/her
* kick the football into the flower beds
* shout, scream, swear, kick or in any way hurt other people.
Control is shared, with the child gradually taking more control as they grow and acquire the skills for making sensible decisions. When exerting control, always explain the reason for your decision (and therefore the reason for your control) and then see it through, using the 3Rs as necessary.
If, on reflection, you feel your Request or decision was not reasonable, then reappraise and adjust. Children will often point out unfairness when a parent has got it wrong. In the case of Tom being told to stop banging his drum because it was getting on mum’s nerves, he might say something like, ‘Can’t you cover your ears/go in another room if you don’t like it?’ Here is an opportunity for you to reappraise your Request. Was it reasonable? If it was, explain why and see it through, using the 3Rs. If on reflection you think your request wasn’t reasonable, then offer an alternative – ‘I tell you what, Tom, as I need to be in this room, you take the drum into the front room.’ Your request is now reasonable and Tom needs to comply.
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