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Food fussiness and refusal to eat
Nothing is guaranteed to wind up a parent and worry them more than a child picking at their food or refusing to eat. As parents we nurture and love our children and take pride in seeing them grow and thrive. Food is essential to sustain life and therefore an intrinsic part of that nurturing and love, so that if a child rejects the food we have lovingly prepared then it is easy to feel they are rejecting us. Children soon realize how much it means to us as parents to see our child eat healthily – look how much trouble we go to buying and preparing food – so accepting or rejecting food can be used by a child as a way of controlling a parent. I say more on that below.
The majority of children I’ve fostered have come to me with some form of ‘eating disorder’: refusing to eat, eating the smallest of amounts, eating only sweet foods, or gorging or bingeing until they are physically sick. However, all the children, without exception, significantly improved or recovered completely, and were eating healthily by the time they left me. My adopted daughter, Lucy, overcame anorexia within a year of coming to me. Based on training, research and twenty-five years of fostering experience, here are my guidelines for achieving healthy eating.
Expect your child to eat As you should expect good behaviour from your child (see Happy Kids), so you should expect your child to eat – at the table and the same food as other family members. Be confident in your expectation and don’t falter. Your child will soon realize that eating as everyone else in the family is doing is the norm and your expectations will be complied with.
Make healthy eating the norm You and the other members of your family need to make sure healthy eating at mealtimes is the norm by setting a good example. You can’t expect your child to eat heartily, healthily and happily if you are sitting there picking at your food, claiming you are on a diet or not eating at all.
Start early Establish good eating practices for your child as soon as you can, ideally when he or she can sit upright and join the family at the table. If good eating practices are established early in childhood, a child is far less likely to develop eating difficulties later. If your child is already a problem eater, start the new routine as soon as possible and be firm with your expectations.
Encourage children to feed themselves Give your child responsibility for feeding themselves as soon as they are able. Children can start eating finger foods from six months, and they can also be encouraged to hold the spoon, bottle or feeder cup while you feed them. Feeding him- or herself is one of the many self-care skills a child needs to be taught early. It gives the child confidence and autonomy, and a child is far less likely to reject food if they are feeding themselves rather than having food pushed into their mouth.
Check nothing is worrying your child If your child suddenly starts to refuse food, make sure there is nothing worrying them. Worries can take away a child’s appetite just as they can an adult’s. Don’t ask the child at the table if they are worried about anything, but wait until later when there are just the two of you and you have time. You may need to coax the worry out of your child, so be relaxed, gentle, and take your time. If there is something worrying your child, reassure them and deal with the problem.
Give children equal amounts of attention Make sure your child is receiving their fair share of attention – both at the meal table and generally. If your child is feeling left out or undervalued for any reason, refusing food can be a good way of getting attention, just as naughty behaviour can. Food and emotion are linked, and extreme eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia have emotional/psychological roots, which is why in such cases the whole family goes into therapy and not just the sufferer.
Serve suitable-sized portions Make sure you are not giving your child too much food. Children’s stomachs are a lot smaller than adults’, so they feel full sooner. If you give your child more food then they can eat they will of course leave some. A general guideline is that a child’s stomach is the size of their fist, as is an adult’s. Give your child a suitable-sized portion; they can always have seconds if they are still hungry.
Keep meals simple Keep food simple, especially with young children. If a child has too many different foods on their plate (or too much), they may take the easiest solution and eat nothing.
Limit snacking While a little snack mid-morning or mid-afternoon will sustain a child’s energy levels between meals, too many, too large or very sweet snacks will dramatically reduce a child’s appetite at the meal table.
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