don’t know. Fran thinks we should play it to Fraser. I’m not so sure.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well … it’s illegal, isn’t it?’
‘So, you think Fraser might report you to the police?’
‘No … although I couldn’t join the FBI with a record.’
‘Or without American citizenship. Come on, do you really think it’s criminal?’
‘No-o-o … I just think it was a bit embarrassing and I kind of wish we hadn’t done it now. I mean, what if Fraser just shrugs his shoulders and never talks to us again?’
‘Well, you know me, I don’t really give a shit about this wedding … or any wedding for that matter …’
Point taken.
‘… but if you think it’s such a horrendous idea, well, then don’t you want to stop it? Like you won’t let your friends drive drunk, will you?’
‘Oh God, not that damn crocodile again.’
‘What?’
‘Never mind. I do want to stop it. I just didn’t think I’d actually, you know, have to do hard things.’
‘That’s why people tell other people to mind their own business.’
‘I know.’
‘But if they insist on interfering, pumpkin … they should carry it through. Can I hear it?’
‘No.’
‘Why not? What does it say on it? Does Amanda renounce Fraser because she’s desperate for my body?’
‘You wish.’
Alex shrugged.
‘Really? Would you really wish?’
‘No, my darling, I prefer my women more … Rubenesque.’
‘Fuck off! I can’t believe it. If she walked in here naked right now and offered it to you, would you take it?’
‘Are you still here at this point?’
‘No. Say I don’t even exist.’
‘Well, maybe.’
‘Maybe?’
He grinned. ‘Well, you know …’
‘But she’s evil!’
‘So you say.’
‘You’ve seen her be evil!’
‘When?’
He was right. I couldn’t remember a single occasion. God, she hid it well in front of men.
‘You have the morals of a lobster,’ I grumbled.
‘Oh, come on. You asked.’
‘Yes, and you’re supposed to say “no”. Always. Even if it’s like a whole Helena Christensen/Naomi Campbell lesbian-type thing. You’re always supposed to say no, you’d prefer me.’
‘But you don’t exist.’
‘Yes, well, apart from that.’
Charlie wandered in. When he saw me, he looked slightly embarrassed. I didn’t say anything.
‘Hey,’ said Alex.
‘Hey,’ said Charlie. Then he took a deep breath.
‘Urm … Melanie.’
I looked up, surprised.
‘I’m terribly sorry about last week.’
‘Oh, I’d forgotten all about it,’ I lied.
‘Huh. Right-oh. Erm, how’s that friend of yours?’
‘Which one?’ I asked him deliberately.
‘Yas, you know, erm … Fran.’
I smiled, and decided to embellish it a bit. ‘Oh, she’s doing absolutely great! Ever since she started seeing Angus …’
‘She’s seeing Angus?’ cut in Alex abruptly. ‘Since when?’
‘Since that night, actually.’
Charlie looked utterly crestfallen. ‘Gosh, I rather buggered that up then.’
‘What?’ said Alex. ‘She had her tongue down that other guy’s throat when we left.’
‘Well, you know Fran. Always up for a bit of adventure.’
Charlie perked up a bit. ‘Really?’
‘Only with Scottish people though,’ I said sympathetically. His crest fell again and he turned and left the room.
‘Damn gorgeous totty,’ he muttered as he went.
Ooh, it was working.
I studied Alex. ‘You looked utterly dumbfounded that Fran might have a boyfriend.’
He made a hangdog face. ‘Not really. It’s just I’d never have put those two together. Mind you, they’re both pretty fierce.’
‘No they’re not!’ I said indignantly. ‘OK, Fran is pretty fierce. But Angus is a big pet. He’s really sweet.’
‘So, it won’t last long then. D’ya want tea?’ Alex went through to put the kettle on.
Actually, it’s already finished, I thought to myself, slightly embarrassed for having fibbed about something so pointless.
‘You told them WHAT!?’ said Fran.
‘I thought it would be funny. Wind Charlie up a bit.’
‘I decide when I want to wind Charlie up.’
‘Oh yeah, NEW RULE!’
‘Oh, forget it. You really have a big mouth, don’t you?’
‘Yeah, you mentioned that.’
Hurt and annoyed, I slumped back in my chair. We were in a greasy caff in North London waiting for Angus, who had been pestering us to know what had happened to the tape. I fiddled disconsolately with the grubby sauce bottle and drank my slightly suspect tea.
‘Angus!’ she said in a pleased tone as he popped into our booth, shaking the rain off like a dog.
‘Angus!’
