words afterwards, when our breathing returned to something like normal. They mattered. They should come from me.
‘I love you,’ I said. I knew this to be fact and yet there it was, a surprise to hear it spoken. The process of falling in love had been gradual but the realisation that’s where I was arrived fully formed. While I was avoiding it, it felt complex. Once confronted, it was extremely simple.
‘Do you?’ Ben said, moving onto his side to look at me intently.
‘Absolutely.’
‘God, I can’t believe it.’
How can you not believe anyone loving you, I thought. Ben seemed custom-designed to be loved. We were glazed with sweat and I felt almost narcotically elated. The noise of some late-night drunks coming home drifted in through the partially open window. I belatedly remembered Derek, and discovered I didn’t care if he was squatting down there in a tin foil hat, with recording equipment and a broadcasting licence.
‘Of course I do,’ I said.
‘Uhm, Rachel …’
‘Yes?’ It was still so oddly thrilling to hear my name in his mouth. I propped myself up on my elbow and kissed his cheek. He moved my arm and placed it over his bare, taut middle. I lay back down against his shoulder.
‘It’s not exactly an of course? I mean, it’s taken us a while to get here.’
‘Yeah, it has.’
‘Did nothing in my love-struck dipshit devotion find me out, then?’
I laughed and squeezed him.
‘No. Though I was pleased you hit someone for me.’
‘Ohhh, don’t mention that …’ Ben put a palm to his forehead.
‘Why? It was ace.’
‘I felt like I’d tapped a glass with a fork and gone “Excuse me everyone, announcement, I’ve got a thing for this girl the size of Old Trafford. Everyone clear on that? OK, good, carry on with your evenings, and it’s advisable for all patrons not to approach her rack.”’
‘I didn’t think that.’
‘Well, Emily did. She said, that night: “I’m not finishing with you because you hit someone for her, I’m finishing with you because of the look I caught on your face when she was getting molested.”’
‘Really? God. Sorry.’
‘Not your fault. I’d have beaten him to the ground if he’d been holding newborn twins. She knew it. I thought everyone knew it. Incredible you didn’t.’
‘Hah. I was stood further away. And being molested. Sorry again.’
He ran his hand up and down my arm.
‘I’ve been dreading saying goodbye.’
‘Me too.’
‘I was going to say something to you tomorrow. At the ball.’
‘You were?’ I looked up at him. ‘What were you going to say?’
‘Just, this is how I feel, you should know in case it makes any difference. Script by Jack Daniel’s. Shame by Calvin Klein.’
‘Shame?’
‘I didn’t know you’d be single, did I? The fact you weren’t is all that’s held me back from making a fool of myself for three years. It was my last chance and I was going to make an exception.’
I squeezed him again.
‘I had no idea. Your fantastical carousel of gorgeous girlfriends looked nothing like me. Mostly blondes. Confident
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