not interested in finding out about them, not when I have no way of remembering. She’s more focused on the man I am now – on rebuilding my life after what happened. She has spoken of my kindness though, my ability to love others and to jump into situations too quickly. Sometimes I will catch her staring into space and I just know she’s recalling another time, another me.
In some ways, me losing my past is harder for her, she has to mourn for the man I once was without mourning at all, and I knew, despite how much I wanted to know about the me before, that if I asked her outright, she might break her silence, spilling the bottled-up emotions she held on to for my benefit. Something I couldn’t do to her; she has been through enough. So I left it alone and focused on the now and the future. Which was Thomas and Katie.
From his bedroom I heard Thomas tell Katie what Santa had left him at Mummy’s house before asking her to build a tower from the Lego my mum had bought him. His voice was followed by the crashing sound of hundreds of plastic blocks being poured onto his bedroom floor. It wasn’t the words spoken or the sounds of Katie and Thomas building that would form into a lasting memory, but the context.
The woman I loved and the boy who means more than anything else in the world to me had formed a relationship that didn’t need me to mediate. I wasn’t required for them to be able to play and talk. I wasn’t needed for them to be able to know and care for one another. And, with what I had planned for after New Year, Katie and Thomas caring for one another in such a way was essential.
Katie still thought I was asleep. I knew because she was speaking in her quiet whispery tones despite Thomas not lowering his voice at all. Truth was, I’d not really been asleep since just after 4 a.m. A dream, my dream, waking me early. The same one I had been having for over a year. The one of the accident that took away my memories and the life before.
Slipping out of bed I tiptoed towards Thomas’s room. As I stepped in, I allowed myself a moment to enjoy the sight of them sat next to each other, him leaning into her as they built some sort of tower that stood about eighteen inches tall. Katie saw me first as Thomas was concentrating on his building task, and she smiled, looking from me to Thomas before resting her chin on his head. Her eyes told me everything. She was happy that he let her be close, she was content. After just over a year, he was treating her like part of his family. She mouthed a good morning to me, and I mouthed it back before turning my attention to my fixated boy.
‘Morning, Thomas.’
He looked up at me, a smile spreading across his face.
‘Daddy, look at the robot Katie and me made.’
‘Wow, did you two really make this?’
‘Yep’
‘All by yourselves?’
‘Yep.’
‘That’s amazing. You are both very clever.’
‘Well, Thomas did most of the building, I just helped where I could,’ Katie said, focusing on Thomas as she spoke.
‘Well then, I’m even more impressed. Bit of a clever one, aren’t you?’
‘Am I?’
‘Yes, look at your robot. I doubt there is anything you can’t do. Are you two hungry? Shall I make some breakfast?’
‘Not yet, Daddy.’
‘Okay, no rush.’
‘What time are you meeting Will today?’ Katie asked, her smile shrinking, morphing into a tight one that she always held firmly in place when she was trying not to be worried about how I would feel after seeing my therapist.
‘Not till 2.30, so we can take our time this morning.’
‘Do you want me to come?’
‘No it’s okay. I’ll drop Thomas back at his mum’s earlier than usual this week.’
‘Daddy, can I stay up here and play a little longer? I want to build a racing car.’
‘Of course you can. Do you want me to help?’
‘No. I want Katie to.’
‘You want Katie to?’ I said looking once again to my girlfriend, not even trying to supress my smile.
‘Right, I’ll leave you two to it. I’ll be downstairs, come down whenever you’re ready.’
Once downstairs I flicked on the kettle before sitting at my kitchen table. I quietly drank my coffee and looked into my garden as the lazy sun forced its way over the horizon and listened to them talk above my head. Thomas laughed, his infectious giggle making Katie laugh as well.
Not knowing my past is a huge part of my present, and the questions that remain unanswered about me will be ones I will carry forever. But, listening to my son and my love playing in a bedroom above me, I let myself believe that the questions I had, scars I carried, wouldn’t be the future of me.
The future was now. The future was upstairs and everything about it was definitely real.
Daniel
Stamford
29th December 2017, 3.18 p.m.
It turned out I didn’t need to take Thomas back to his mother’s early after all, as Katie suggested that they went to the park to play whilst I met up with Will. Then we could take Thomas back to his mum’s together. Before I could say anything, Tom was putting his shoes on to leave.
‘Are you sure, Katie?’
‘Of course. We’ve not spent this much time together before.’
‘Honestly, it doesn’t matter if we take him back.’
‘Dan, honestly. It will be fine. I love your little boy. I want to spend some time alone with him.’
‘Katie, come on, let’s go!’ Thomas said, pulling on her jumper and away from me.
‘Right, you need to wear a hat and gloves, it’s freezing out there today,’ she said playfully whilst trying to wrestle his coat on. I asked if she needed a hand, but she told me she was fine.
I had known Katie for two years. She had known Thomas for just over one, and after kissing them both I watched them walk out of the house without me for the first time. It felt good, and weird all at once.
With the house quiet, I got myself ready and drove to Will’s for our session. The hour we spent together mostly followed the same routine as usual, we talked about how I’m feeling, I told him about how I remembered the taste of blood in my mouth, and the pain of a broken bone.
‘Have you told anyone about this?’ he asked.
‘Yes, my mother.’
‘But not Katie?’
‘No, not Katie.’
‘What
