one from Andrew was a simple: HR would like to see you on Monday morning. 10am.
I swung my feet around and stood up, fighting the nausea in the pit of my stomach. I wandered to the bathroom, used the loo, splashed cold water on my face and pulled my hair back in a loose ponytail. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was a fetching shade of grey, dark circles under my eyes. I gulped water directly from the tap and brushed my teeth before going back to my bedroom and peeling off my clothes from the day before. I pulled on some tracksuit bottoms, a T-shirt and a pair of mismatched socks and walked through to my kitchen where I made toast (after cutting the slightly mouldy corner off the bread) and a mug of tea before walking back into my living room, sitting cross-legged on the sofa and calling Maud.
The phone rang twice before she answered, her voice thick with sleep. Remembering it was only 3am in New York – I immediately apologised for waking her.
‘Jesus, Emily. I’ve been worried to death. Ben? And then you going off grid? And work? What the hell is going on?’
Maud could be confidently called my one true friend. And Andrew’s predecessor at the call centre. She’d taken me under her wing when I started at CallSolutions. I liked to think she saw something fixable or loveable in me; but whatever the reason, she helped me find my feet again.
She kept me (just) on the right side of the company’s many policies. The day, 17 months earlier, she announced she was moving to the States to head up the opening of a new call centre for our multinational company was the day my time with CallSolutions started to slide towards the inevitability that one day I would end up eating stale toast and wondering where it had all gone wrong.
‘I went to Rose’s funeral. Told Andrew I was going to a dental appointment. He fired me.’
I heard her sigh. ‘Jesus, Emily. Was that wise? To go to her funeral? And to lie about it?’
Ignoring her question as to whether I should’ve gone to the funeral, I told her I had lied to Andrew because he wouldn’t understand why I needed to go. If Maud couldn’t understand it, there was no way Andrew would.
Her sigh was heavier this time. Before I’d told Andrew, Maud had been the only person who knew I had seen the accident – she had told me to look into counselling, or at least talk to my GP if I felt my mood slipping or my anxiety growing. Actually, she had made me promise I would talk to my GP and look into counselling.
‘He would have understood, if you’d told him. You know that. Anyone would have understood. You witnessed a major trauma,’ she said, cutting through my thoughts.
I shook my head. ‘I didn’t want him to know. I don’t want anyone to know. They’ll make me go over it all again, or talk to the police …’
‘And Ben, how does he come into all this?’
‘He sent me a friend request, I told you that.’
‘Did you accept it?’ she asked.
‘No, of course not,’ I almost shouted, without letting her know it was still sitting ignored in my account.
‘So just ignore him. Leave it at that. Nothing to worry about.’ She sounded so sure that I wondered was I overreacting or simply going mad?
‘But what if he wants back in my life?’ I asked her, omitting the fact that I feared he already was and that he might be tied up in the whole Rose situation. I knew what she would say. She would rationalise it to nth degree – but little about Ben Cullen was ever rational. He was just one more big reason why I couldn’t and wouldn’t go to the police myself. They had been so firmly on his side before – willing to believe whatever he told them. Everyone believed Ben over me. Everyone. I couldn’t go through being made to feel like a liar again.
‘Do you want me to talk to Andrew?’ Maud interrupted my thoughts. ‘Perhaps I can persuade him to give you one last chance? Although, he has given you enough chances before.’ Her tone was soft, but I still felt the judgement in her words. Yes, he had given me chances but then any other decent boss – like Maud had been – wouldn’t have made such a big issue over such little infractions anyway.
‘God no. No, it’ll be fine. I’ll get another job. It will work out. It was probably about time for a change anyway. It’s not been the same since you left,’ I said with more confidence than I felt.
‘Hmmm,’ Maud replied. ‘Well maybe this is the kick up the bum you need? And I say that with love in my heart. You can do so much with your life, Emily. You need to go out there and grab it by the balls. Maybe you were too comfortable in CallSolutions. It didn’t challenge you. It was easy – which is what you needed at the time, but comfortable isn’t rewarding, is it?’
I stifled a laugh. I was never comfortable in CallSolutions – not really comfortable. I found most days unbearably dull and I lived with the constant feeling of being the odd one out. The co-worker who was never invited for Friday drinks, or Saturday nights out and who wasn’t even invited to be part of the Lottery Syndicate. But Maud was right – it didn’t challenge me in any way. It had been a safe place when I needed to feel safe. Now, even though I still needed medication to switch my mind off at night and help me sleep, I needed more than safe.
‘What could I do?’ I asked.
I heard Maud yawn. ‘I don’t know, honey. But you could try your hand at anything. Get online – see what’s on offer.’ Then she stifled a laugh. ‘Oh I’m going to hell for saying this, but I’m pretty sure there’s a post for a dentist’s receptionist that’s just been made available?’
I laughed back, said my goodbyes, told Maud I was sorry for waking her and for worrying her.
‘Don’t apologise, Emily. And most of all try not to worry about Ben. It was a long time ago. Everything got a bit out of hand back then. Maybe he just wants to say sorry? Now, try to keep calm and carry on, as the saying goes. You’ve got this. This is your new start.’
I ended the call and sat on the sofa, the tea going cold at my feet, and wondered if this was all some strange karmic intervention. Maybe I was meant to see Rose die so that I could move on to a job where I would be happy and fulfilled, and where everyone would be lovely and friendly and supportive? Maybe Maud was right – she always could talk me down. Ben may just, finally, be saying sorry. That this apology came at the same time as Rose’s death was more than likely just a twisted coincidence. I chided myself for being so paranoid. Thought about my options.
There really wasn’t anything to stop me from applying for Rose’s job, was there? In fact, given that Derry ranked among the top three unemployment blackspots in the UK, it was probably wise that I did. I had experience in customer care. I had, years ago, gained all my admin qualifications. I could answer phones with cheeriness – even when people were being complete pains in the ass. I could do it. I knew I could.
And even if contemplating taking over a dead woman’s life – or a facet of it – was a tad morbid, it wasn’t as if she had use for it any more.
Scott’s Dental Practice operated out of shiny bright offices on Shipquay Street, one of the city’s main thoroughfares.
The old Georgian façade had been updated – it was now glass fronted and everything
