she was doing. If she was drinking water, the cup would fall from her lips, the contents spilling over her hand and onto the floor. If she was walking she would sink into the nearest chair or against the nearest wall; if she was talking to someone she would stop, mid-sentence and clutch her hands against her stomach.
And it was all the worse because she was to blame.
It was incontrovertible. Yes, she may have some kind of paltry excuse – her meeting ran over, her phone was dead – but if you stepped away from the details, it was clear. If she had been there at two fifty-five, waiting for Anna outside the school gate, then Anna would be with her now. They’d be at home getting ready for Anna’s bedtime, maybe reading The Twits by now.
She definitely wouldn’t be here, at the school, sitting in the head teacher’s office with DI Wynne and a cup of coffee while, through the thick glass of the window, the sun dipped slowly over the horizon. And Anna wouldn’t be – well, Anna wouldn’t be wherever she was.
The door to the office opened and two police officers came in. They were both men, both in their twenties.
‘Did you find her?’ Julia asked, even though she knew from their expressions that they hadn’t.
‘No ma’am,’ the one on the left said. ‘Not yet.’
DI Wynne followed them in. She had her phone to her ear. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘I’ll let you know if anything changes.’ She cut the connection and looked at the officers. ‘Nothing?’
The one on the right shook his head. ‘Nothing. We’ve covered everywhere she could have walked to. Every street, every park. We’ve interviewed a lot of people – kids, adults, anyone – but no one saw her.’
Wynne pinched her chin with her thumb and forefinger.
‘And the other parents who were here to pick up their kids?’
‘We’ve started talking to them. We’ll get to most of them tonight, the ones that agree to it. Most will.’
The other officer spoke. ‘We’ve started knocking on doors. Asking homeowners if they have any information. We’re rounding up as many bodies as we can to start searching. And we’ll get a general appeal on local radio.’
They’ve done this before, Julia thought. Oh God, they’ve done this before. This really happens. And it’s happening to me.
‘Can I come?’ she asked, suddenly. ‘Can I come with you?’
‘To knock on doors?’ the officer said.
‘Yes. I’ll know if Anna’s there. I’ll just know. And if I call out her name then she’ll answer.’
The officer shifted his weight from foot to foot. He glanced at DI Wynne.
‘I think it will be better if we leave PCs Joyce and Bell to deal with that,’ Wynne said. ‘It might help things to go smoothly.’
‘Why?’ Julia said. ‘I can help.’
‘Mrs Crowne, it’s better if you stay here. In case Anna does show up. She could be quite distressed.’
‘I’d like to go.’
‘I think it’s better if you don’t.’
Why was this woman obstructing her? Julia thought. Why would she not let her look for Anna?
‘I’m her mum!’ she said, all of the emotion of the last few hours finding an outlet in righteous anger. ‘I have a right to go! If I want to go, I can! What if she’s in one of those houses? She needs me to be there!’
‘Mrs Crowne, we don’t think that she is in one of the houses. We’re just asking for information.’
‘But what if she is? You need to search them! All of them!’
‘We can’t just barge into someone’s house without a warrant.’
‘Why the hell not? If my daughter might be there, why the hell not?’
‘I fully understand your frustration, Mrs Crowne, but we are not allowed to enter a member of the public’s house without a warrant to do so. It’s not something we have any control over. It’s the law.’
‘Fuck the law! If you won’t do it, I will!’ Julia stood up, her knee banging on the underside of the table. Her china coffee cup rattled on its saucer, bitter liquid spilling over the desk. She marched to the door, pushing between the two police officers, and turned down the corridor. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do, but she was going to do something; she couldn’t just sit here and wait, not while Anna was out there. Doing that was accepting her powerlessness, and she wasn’t able to do that, not by a long chalk.
Behind her she heard DI Wynne’s footsteps on the tile floor.
‘Mrs Crowne!’ Wynne called. ‘Mrs Crowne! Where are you going?’
‘Out!’ Julia shouted. ‘I’m going out!’
‘Mrs Crowne, it’s not a good idea to do anything rash. We need the goodwill of people in the vicinity.’
Julia knew that the police officer was correct, but she didn’t care. She was beyond reason, in the grip of something animal and irresistible. It was the same thing that drove a mother to protect her young in the wild; that drove an eland to defend her calf from a lion, or an elk to fight a wolf to save hers, even when this came at the cost of the mothers’ own lives.
When she was a few feet from the front door, it swung open. Brian stepped inside. He was pale and his eyes were red. It was clear that he had not found Anna. He looked at Julia, and then transferred his gaze to the police officer.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked, and looked back at his wife. ‘Why’s she shouting at you?’
‘She’s trying to stop me looking for Anna,’ Julia said. ‘I want to go and look for Anna. I want to knock on people’s doors and ask them if they’ve seen her. Look them in the face. She could be in one of these houses.’
‘Then go,’ Brian said. ‘I’ll come with you.’
‘Mr and Mrs Crowne,’ DI Wynne said. ‘Could we talk for a minute, before you go?’
Julia turned round. ‘Sure,’ she said. ‘A minute.’
‘In the office?’
Julia shook her head. ‘Here.’
‘We have police officers going door to door,’ Wynne said. ‘They have experience in the right questions to ask, and if anyone has seen anything concerning your daughter then they will find it out and follow that lead wherever it takes them. At this stage we need to be systematic in our search for Anna.’
‘What if one of them has her?’ Julia said. ‘How will they know that?’
‘It’s unlikely.’ Wynne shifted uncomfortably. ‘I have to be honest with you. At this stage there are two main possibilities for your daughter’s whereabouts.
