fake smile didn’t fade but her eyes flickered.
She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “I didn’t target you. I shop at BabyOutlet all the time with my nephew.”
At this point I may have snapped. “HE’S NOT EVEN YOUR SON? YOU’RE NOT EVEN A MOM?”
I don’t know what came over me. The humiliation turned into hot, searing anger.
“I MAY NOT HAVE A TIGHT STOMACH BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT A LIAR. YOU CAN STICK YOUR WRAPS UP YOUR—” then I noticed the kids in the room “—BUTT!”
Isabitch started to speak but I ripped off my name tag and a patch of my dress at the same time, grabbed Aubrey’s car seat and stormed out, but not before scooping up my box of doughnuts. I ate five of them this afternoon and another two after dinner. So much for a lean, mean tummy.
Joy texted to ask how the playdate went. I said it was a blast. She wants to come to the next one.
Just my luck that when a (fake) mom wants to get to know me it’s because she thinks I could stand to lose a few pounds and she wants to make a few bucks off me in the process.
FML.
Visualize what you want out of your mommy life. Just because you’ve had kids doesn’t mean you can’t live the reality of your dreams. My five children, beautiful husband and I take two tropical beach vacations a year thanks to the power of intention.
—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better
I was shaking off the predatory playdate. I needed to move on. I needed to put my energy elsewhere.
Wishes For My Fairy Godmother.
- Take 25lbs off of my body. Not boobs or butt, please, and not via some playdate marketing scam
- Give them to Suzy Wexler (kidding)
- Make sure Aubrey grows up to be happy, healthy and safe (move that to the top)
- Make me a great housewife
- World peace (move that to second place)
- End famine (move this up, too)
- Delete Facebook.com
- Pass a law that all boxes of diapers should be accompanied with a Buy One Get One Free coupon for a bottle of wine
- Make me a nicer wife
- Remove all calories from wine but keep taste intact
- Organize my house
Impossible Goal of the Day: Improve my grocery shopping.
Speaking of the power of intention, I ran to the market today and actually took a list with me.
Grocery List
Kale (For Emily Walker’s famous kale, quinoa, and fat-free feta salad with pomegranate vinaigrette.)
Quinoa.
Fat-free feta (Even though fat-free cheese should be illegal.)
One pomegranate.
Blueberries.
Radishes.
Organic milk (In Motherhood Better, Emily says regular milk can cause toddlers to go through puberty.)
Eggs.
Flour.
Butter.
Cream of tartar (For baking, because I’m going to start doing this any minute now.)
Cherries.
Apples.
Celery.
Chicken.
Oats.
Toilet paper.
Cheese.
Tomatoes.
Onions.
Red peppers.
Here’s what I bought:
Kale (For rotting in the fridge. Let’s be real—I’m never going to make that salad.)
Quinoa (I have no idea how to cook this. Is it rice? Is it pasta? Nobody knows.)
A pomegranate (For watching dry out in the fruit bowl over the next several weeks.)
I didn’t buy the fat-free feta. It felt wrong.
Organic milk.
Eggs.
Cookie dough.
Honey Nut Cinnamon Crunch cereal.
A pound cake.
Toilet paper.
Gum.
Sugar-free fake strawberry poison liquid drink mix (for weight loss.)
6-pack glazed doughnuts.
Hot dogs (for snacking.)
Frozen Tater Tots.
Apples.
Cherries.
Strawberries.
Frozen onion rings.
Tortilla chips (for unexpected guests.)
Nacho cheese dip (also for guests.)
3 tank tops.
2 pairs black pants.
Running shoes.
Workout DVD.
Water bottle.
Ice cream.
Someone told me they named it “pound cake” because it contains a pound of butter. I prefer to think it’s just honest labeling: you gain a pound per slice. But on the bright side, butter contains milk, which contains calcium, so in a small way, pound cake is helping fortify my bones. I also always eat pound cake with strawberries, which contain minerals and vitamin C.
Confession: I hadn’t showered in four days and I was kind of okay with it. That’s what deodorant is for, right? Right now, I had six layers of Lady Smells Bad antiperspirant on my underarms. It’s strong enough
