“You’re almost as bad of a liar as I am,” she said, laughing. “Sorry if I keep repeating myself, it’s just so exciting. Twenty thousand dollars! They haven’t even been around that long.”
Through Renee’s research, she’d discovered that a lot of emerging indie bands were launching online donation campaigns to help with their album recording expenses. Renee had started a campaign for the band and executed different marketing strategies to get the word out. I knew she’d put a lot of effort into it, but I don’t think anyone realized how effective it was until the results came in. It was all Renee had talked about for weeks.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” she said, lowering her voice. “Andy thinks you’re cute. He hasn’t shut up about you since the photo shoot. Do you…” She hesitated. “What do you think of him?”
I think he’s not David, I thought.
“I hadn’t really thought about it,” I said. Technically, it was the truth. I hadn’t thought about any man except David in months.
“Do you think he’s cute?” she asked. She had a painful expression on her face, like it would hurt her if I said no.
I considered. Their guitarist, Andy, was average-looking, shaggy dirty-blonde hair, nice cheekbones, a little extra weight around his midsection. He was the personality of the band, that was for sure. Dylan was too intense, and the other two didn’t talk much.
“He’s okay,” I answered, shrugging. “He’s funny.”
The truth was, every time I pictured myself with a guy, all I could think of was David. I couldn’t imagine feeling that way with anyone else. And if I couldn’t feel that again with someone, then everything else would just be settling. I’d rather be alone.
Just then, the lights dimmed and the four guys slowly made their way to the stage, Dylan arriving last. Renee’s eyes locked on him, and I knew better than to say any more. I had seen Dylan perform, and the way he silenced the audience. He had an undeniable gift. He wasn’t just a voice, he was a presence. It was easy to see why Renee had fallen for him.
When I first met Dylan, he wasn’t at all what I had expected. Maybe because he was so different from David. He was smaller than I’d imagined, five foot nine at most, and incredibly skinny. A true starving artist. He had a big nose and very dark hair, almost black, the complete opposite of his glowing light-blue eyes. His eyes were so intense it was hard to look at him sometimes. Like he was perpetually scared.
After my first conversation with Dylan, I understood the attraction. It was his voice. Not his singing voice, but the way he spoke. He had a deep, sexy tone and spoke slowly and deliberately, like he was half-asleep. It was almost hypnotic. He kept you hanging on every word. Renee also had a tendency to gravitate towards the mysterious, detached type, and Dylan was about as elusive as they came. You never knew if he cared, what he was thinking. He just stared at you with those glowing eyes.
The music started, and for the next two hours, I had officially lost Renee. The music had taken her. My beautiful best friend, with her tiny baby belly poking out from behind her coat. Swaying to the music. In love.
Throughout the entire show, her eyes never deviated from Dylan. At one point, he looked over at her and smiled ever so slightly, and I felt a pang of jealousy in my gut. I wanted that. I wanted someone to look at me like that.
Only that someone was 3,000 miles away, and he’d never look at me like that. Because he didn’t love me.
Los Angeles, CA
March 2009
David started coming around the house more often. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thrilled. I tried not to be. I tried to pretend I wasn’t excited by the sight of him on my couch when I came home, the thought of him in my shower. I tried not to read into his mild flirtations, not to feel his eyes on me constantly. I tried to fight it. I did.
I started to think that maybe it was in my head. Maybe I was reading into it. But it seemed like every time Renee stepped out of the room, he’d inch just a tiny bit closer to me, stare a little bit more intensely. And he didn’t look away. The Stare.
One night, the three of us were watching a movie in the living room. Renee decided to go to bed early, and David stayed up to finish the movie with me. But he didn’t watch the movie. He watched me. I felt his eyes on me the entire time, waiting for me to look his way. I didn’t.
“Anyone ever tell you that you look like Denise Richards?” he finally asked.
“Every day of my life.” My eyes were still on the TV.
He kept staring. I finally gave in and looked at him. He was grinning. That wild-eyed grin. That we’re-sharing-a-secret grin.
“What?” I asked, fighting back a laugh. I couldn’t help it. He had this way of staring and smiling like he knew something you didn’t.
“You’re really into this movie, huh?” he asked.
I stopped watching it a long time ago, I thought to myself.
“It’s okay,” I said.
“Have you ever had Rocky Road popcorn?”
I whipped my head in his direction. “Huh?”
He stood up, walked over to my chair and grabbed both of my hands with his. In one swift motion, he lifted me to my feet. “Come on,” he said, pulling me behind him.
And there, in the kitchen, we melted chocolate and marshmallows, crushed almonds, popped popcorn, and threw them all together. David stood tall above me, so close we were almost touching, and without missing a beat, he shoved a giant fist of popcorn into my mouth.
I screamed, wiping chocolate and marshmallow wads from my face. We were both in hysterics. If this were a date, it would’ve been the best date I’d ever had.
The next day, Renee told me she wanted to break up with him.
Apparently, their differences were beginning to weigh on her, which I knew would happen eventually. You can’t fight the inevitable. Up until David, Renee hated jocks. She wouldn’t even look at a guy if he didn’t hold an interest in some sort of creative endeavor. I think David’s charm had succeeded in blindsiding her temporarily, but now graduation was creeping around the corner. She was starting to think about the future. And questioning whether or not David would be a part of that.
I couldn’t fathom it. She had Him. How could you give up those eyes? Those dimples? The way you felt inside when he looked at you?
Then I realized why. She didn’t feel that way. Maybe to a degree, but not nearly as close to the way I felt. I wouldn’t have given him up for anything.
I understood where she was coming from, but deep down, part of me hated her. I had been on an endless bout of bad dates for as far back as I could remember, hoping to find what she already had. And she was going to
