Seattle?
HIM: On biz. Just here @ hotel.
ME: Biz? But it’s the wk end.
HIM: Don’t worry.
ME: I’m not. Just curious.
HIM: I want to fuck you again.
ME: Yes.
HIM: OMG. Just thinking abt fucking u got me hard.
ME: I’m taking a nap right now. Naked. Wish u were here.
(As if he needed to know I was at a baby shower, bored shitless.)
HIM: Gotta go. Will fuck u later.
And then he was gone. I looked at my phone. Our exchange was over so quickly. I thought it was odd that he was on business on a weekend, but what did I know?
* * *
I was beginning to feel sick. The cake had been too sweet. I closed my eyes for a moment and just sat there. I shivered again, thinking about what we’d written to each other.
I needed to leave. The baby shower was unbearable.
Picking up my purse and throwing it over my shoulder, I left without meeting Rebecca’s eyes.
I rushed home, got back into bed and just lay there.
* * *
Later in the evening I heard a familiar knock at my door. It was Sam.
‘Just a minute,’ I yelled. I went into the bathroom and washed my face with cold water. I looked a little feverish but I knew it was just the jitters. I readjusted my clothing before opening the door. Sam held two bottles of Coors. He walked into the living room. We sat on the sofa. My bottle opener lay on the coffee table as it always did. He often came over for a beer – it was part of our ritual. We popped the bottles, clinked them together and simultaneously took a swig. Then silence.
‘So where did you meet your new guy?’ Sam asked. ‘I saw him arriving in his Mercedes last Friday night during the rainstorm.’
‘I was at a club with some friends of mine,’ I lied. ‘He’s a friend of a friend.’
I didn’t tell Sam I’d slept with HIM right away. Why should I?
‘You should be careful,’ Sam said. ‘Do you know anything about him? Where did he grow up? What does he like to do for fun?’
Screw it, I thought. For fun he fucks me silly.
But I changed the subject.
I didn’t know anything about HIM.
I have drunken deep of joy, And I will taste no other wine tonight.
Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Cenci
This is what I understood: I loved the surrender of my body – I loved my time with HIM and my time thinking about HIM. HIM. I loved the loss of my self. I knew there was danger in this. I knew it. I’d imagine myself lying on a bed, naked, waiting for HIM. HIM. And then he was on top of me, inside me. It was as it should be. It was as it was supposed to be.
I took the sacrificial road.
I’d only been with HIM twice but it seemed like we’d been together for ages. I so wanted to hear from HIM again. I waited for his text. If only he would text me. Where was he?
It was hard to get on with my life. I sat in my bungalow at the college, grading papers. I despised my small life. I hated it. I wanted to live in a house with HIM. I could picture it, all flowers and picket fences. When I heard a text coming through I prayed it was HIM: the man who knew how to fuck me, the man who was beginning to define my life, the man I knew nothing about who held the promise of a future. My phone vibrated. I picked it up, hoping, hoping …
And it was HIM. My heart banged.
HIM: I’m @ a mtg downtown. Could be @ ur house in an hr.
ME: Gr8.
HIM: Sorry abt short notice.
ME: No worries. Can’t wait 2 c u.
I flew out of my bungalow and ran across the campus to my car. Once home, I jumped into the shower. Moments after turning off the blow dryer I could hear his car pulling into my driveway.
I met HIM at the door with a towel wrapped around me.
There was no ‘hello’, no ‘How are you?’s. He grabbed the towel, yanked it off me and pulled me against his body. His kisses came hard and fast. Without stopping, he led me to the sofa and bent me over it. Then in one quick move he unbuckled his belt and let his pants drop. Once he entered me, he showed me no mercy. He fucked me hard, doggy-style. And then he came deep, deep inside me.
We fell onto the couch, our bodies intertwined. After a while we repositioned our bodies and faced one another. He whispered into my ear, ‘Hey.’
‘Hey back.’
‘I can’t stop thinking about you.’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ll move you down to live closer to me as soon as I can,’ he said earnestly.
‘Yes.’
‘I’ll take care of you. You can write full-time.’
‘I want that so much.’
He began touching me again. ‘Our bodies are perfect together,’ he said. ‘Your breasts are so round and full.’
‘I know.’ I was mesmerised by his desire for me.
‘Oh, my God, please,’ I said. ‘Please. Please make love to my tits. They’re yours. Yours. Oh, please. Please.’
And then he was kissing them, sucking them. ‘Oh, my God,’ he cried. ‘I have to fuck you again.’
This time we faced each other while lying on our sides. He stared into my eyes. Then he kissed me so passionately I could barely breathe, and slipped himself into my pussy. He didn’t stop kissing me. Our mouths remained locked until his breath became more irregular as his climax travelled through his body. He moaned into my mouth as he came.
We lay there, both spent.
And then it was my turn. I still needed more, needed to let HIM know how much I loved his cock. It was so beautiful. It gave me such pleasure. If he could only know what it felt like to see HIM walking toward me with his cock erect
