Kate & Alf. Carrie Stone

       Prologue

       Summer 2010

      ‘I don’t know what to do to make it better for you.’ Alf’s voice was uncertain as he gently stroked Kate’s hair whilst he held her in his arms – silently pained by the tremble of her body against his; her weeping as unnerving as the situation they’d found themselves in.

      Sniffing back tears, she held up her leaden head and met his eyes. ‘There’s nothing you can do. It’s one of those things – I just need some time to heal, that’s all.’ Or so they’d told her. And it wasn’t as if it was the first time she’d dealt with loss. She should have been used to it by now – should have embraced it like the old friend it was steadily becoming.

      She saw the love in his gaze, but it was reflected back at her behind a wall of despair and something else. Feeling her breath catch in her throat, she at once felt guilty. Grief. It was grief in his eyes. She’d been so wrapped up in her own emotions that she hadn’t stopped to really consider how he’d been feeling.

      Alf propped himself up on one elbow, his arm sinking into the duck-feather pillow. He stared at the wall, considering options for a moment. He’d never been good at talking about feelings; he was better at taking the lead in other ways. Yet, how was he supposed to act?

      He felt thrown off kilter – the panic and underlying turmoil that he’d been feeling at the news only a couple of weeks previously had now been replaced with anguish and guilt. The only way forward was to support Kate in the way he knew best.

      ‘We could have a day out somewhere if you’d like? You know – take your mind off things. What about taking a drive somewhere?’ He drew a figure of eight across her lips and felt relieved as she formed a wobbly smile. ‘Come on – it’ll be fun!’

      They both knew it wouldn’t be, but he couldn’t stay home and watch her fall apart any more than he’d had to endure already. He’d had enough of feeling helpless; it was hurting him to see her like this.

      Wiping a crumbling piece of tissue across her reddened eyes, Kate nodded – knowing that she had to make an effort in some way – as much for Alf as for herself. ‘Okay. Sure.’ Slowly disentangling herself from his embrace, she sat up, brushing a piece of wet hair from her cheek and forcing a brighter smile. ‘I won’t take too long to get ready. Why don’t you make us some tea?’

      He leaned forward, kissing her shoulder before getting out of bed and stretching. ‘Okay, babe. Go get ready and I’ll prepare us some breakfast.’

      Like a reticent child, she eyed the bathroom door along the hallway, relieved as Alf pulled on his jogging bottoms and padded down the stairs.

      It wasn’t like we’d planned for a baby anyway, she told herself. She’d been telling herself that a lot in the last two days. Besides, neither of them had been particularly sure if it was the right time to bring a child into the world. Yet, on an unexpected level, she’d been so excited – full of amazement and wonder at the little life growing inside her. Even if was only for six weeks. They’d barely had time to bond before nature had decided to intervene….

      She felt her eyes brimming with tears once again and mentally willed herself to be strong. Wrapping her dressing gown around her, she couldn’t help but feel lightened as she heard the crashing of plates from the downstairs kitchen followed by loud cursing.

      In that moment she knew she’d get through it because she had Alf to help her; the Alf that couldn’t even boil an egg and was now attempting to tackle a Full English. Just for her. He was always there – her rock and port of call.

      She trusted that together they’d weather anything.

      It was just a matter of healing. And time.