is on another level, but Spurs are fighting like beavers, defending for their lives. It’s a terrific game. Still one–nil…’
JEFF: [Laughing] ‘Did I hear that correctly? Fighting like beavers? Ha, ha, ha! Not tigers or lions, but beavers, those ferocious little devils.’
I wanted to describe how hard Tottenham had been defending. The phrase I’d meant to use was ‘working like beavers’ (what do you mean you haven’t heard of it?), but in the excitement, the words tumbled out all wrong. I tried to correct myself moments later but, by then, the damage had been done.
KAMMY: ‘The game, as a spectacle, is magnificent. Spurs, working like beavers but the football from Arsenal is out of this world. It’s sensational. They’re carving them up as easy as … as easy as … well, as easy as anything, Jeff.’
JEFF: [Laughing] ‘They’re carving them up as … as easy as … beavers was the word you were looking for, Chris.’
Jeff wasn’t going to let it go; he was in floods of tears. I think he dined out on the story for weeks. In fact, it could have been months, judging by his waistline, but I couldn’t help it. It was a spur-of-the-moment reaction and I’ve been unable to live it down ever since. But who cares? I want the viewer to know that I’m in the middle of an exciting game.
CHAPTER SIX GROUND-HOPPING WITH KAMMY PT 2 (TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM ON SOCCER AM)
If you think that messing around in front of the cameras for Soccer Saturday is a laugh, then you should see what I get up to on Soccer AM. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, or fans of Saturday Morning Kitchen, it starts at nine in the morning – that’s three hours B.J. in Sky Sports terms (before Jeff). Any of you who can struggle out of bed would have seen me offending Premiership players, breaking into dressing-rooms and catching top-class managers on the hop. Over the years I’ve probably become an unbelievable pain in the backside, but I hope in the nicest possible way.
I got the job several seasons ago when presenter Tim Lovejoy asked me to walk the cameras around the dressing-room before a game. I would always be at a Premiership or Football League ground to cover a match for Soccer Saturday anyway, so it made perfect sense. It also gave me the opportunity to mess around, because there was a simple brief when it came to anything Soccer AM related: always take the mickey.
The show made its debut in 1995, but at the time it was quite a serious programme. It was first presented by a guy called Russ Williams and the former Spurs and England defender Gary Stevens. But when Tim Lovejoy took over in 1996, the show changed completely. Suddenly football fans were laughing at ‘The Nutmeg Files’ (which shows players being nutmegged during the week) and ogling The Soccerettes. It was and still is a brilliant laugh.
My introduction, when the camera comes to me at each and every ground begins, ‘Welcome to the Home of Football.’ This is a segment of the Soccer AM show where the cameras go behind the scenes. I get pretty good access. Over the years I’ve rummaged through the boots at Sunderland, ruffled the shirts at Arsenal, Manchester United, Leicester and Fulham, and annoyed the stewards at pretty much all of the top-flight grounds. Typically, there’s been a bit of controversy along the way.
Just before Gary Megson was sacked in 2009–10, I went up to Bolton to present a report for the show. The club had allowed me to go wherever I wanted, so, unannounced, I strolled into a meeting-room where the coaching staff had been going through the team analysis of Manchester City – Bolton’s opponents that day. By the looks of things, ‘Mega’, as he’s nicknamed, had been showing the squad a DVD of City’s strengths and weaknesses. Clearly, he hadn’t banked on me going in there. When I got to the TV, I noticed it was paused. On the screen somebody had written ‘Manchester City’s defence is disorganised’.
I couldn’t believe my luck. I could hear howls of laughter in my headphones as I turned to the camera. Manchester City fans saw the offending words on the screen and went nuts. Loads of them texted in to complain. ‘How the hell can he say that just before kick-off?’ they wanted to know. Maybe it was tactless, but you couldn’t fault the manager, because he was right. City later conceded three goals in the game. Then again, so did Bolton, so maybe he should have been a bit more careful himself.
My fooling around backfired quite painfully when I visited Sunderland during the same season. Steve Bruce is an old mate of mine and he gave me carte blanche to use the dressing-rooms. I had a good look around, as I liked to do, and although nobody was in there at the time, I noticed the giant striker Kenwyne Jones had left his boots out. They were enormous, probably a size 12 or 13. I held them up to the camera.
‘Look at these, Helen,’ I laughed. ‘You know what they say about a man with big feet…’
In the studio Helen’s jaw dropped open. ‘No, Kammy!’ she screamed. ‘You can’t say that!’
I was laughing my head off. ‘No, not that! I mean, he’s got big toes!’
I left the dressing-room and wandered down the players’ tunnel. Along the way, there were pictures of Sunderland’s recent successes hanging from the walls. I pointed them out to the viewers.
‘Look at the photos here,’ I said. ‘Some of them show the glory days from when they were promoted. There’s [then manager] Mick McCarthy and there’s an old friend of the show, [former Sunderland player] Liam Richardson, celebrating.’
It was a massive blunder. ‘Liam Richardson’ was, in fact, Liam Lawrence, who later moved to Stoke City. The moment I got off air, I turned on my mobile. A voicemail message flashed up. It was Liam.
‘You pillock, Kammy,’ he said, laughing. ‘You got my bloody name wrong.’
He wasn’t finished there, either. Liam was straight on to the studio to organise his revenge. ‘Right,’ he told Helen. ‘He’s taking one for the team.’
This meant trouble. Fans of the show will know that ‘Taking One for the Team’ is a punishment dished out to Soccer AM staff for making a major cock-up on air. It’s bloody painful, because it involves a 20-foot high archery-style target, a chair and a hole where the bullseye should be. Victims of this torture have to park their backsides into the hole as a line of people – in this case the Stoke City team, including a chuffed Liam Richardson, or Liam Lawrence (now I’m even confusing myself) – lined up to take pot shots at me with footballs.
It must have looked hilarious. Peter Reid was starting his first day as assistant coach. Manager Tony Pulis was watching and was wetting himself laughing, although if I had been him, I’d have been furious. The boys were only shooting from a few yards out and none of them could hit the target! When one finally hit, it was Matthew Etherington and even then he only caught me in the small of the back, which goes to prove that I may act like a big fat arse but I haven’t actually got one.
Sometimes my messing around has been a bit near to the mark. In 2000, the former Villa, Bolton and Palace midfielder Sasa Curcic was getting a bit of stick for an interview he’d given to the press. In it, he’d apparently claimed that English women were ugly, which had understandably caused a bit of a stink, so we decided to make a stand on behalf of the nation’s ladies on Soccer AM. We were filming at Upton Park and showing off the fantastic hospitality rooms. If you haven’t been there,
