of grief – you have a bit of a blub about one thing (like an especially sappy John Lewis commercial or a stroppy daughter) and you end up weeping about Everything That Hurt You Ever. But once I’d got that out of my system and left the sanctuary of the downstairs lav, I did consider it.
I know Rebecca, my younger sis by two years, would have welcomed Lizzie into her life, and her flat in the city centre, and would probably have been a heck of a lot more fun than I am.
Becca, you see, doesn’t have kids. Or a dead husband. Or even an elderly Labrador. She has no responsibilities at all, which is just the way she likes it. She got her teenybopper heart broken when she was seventeen, and since then has remained steadfastly single and carefree.
Lizzie would undoubtedly have had a ball staying there for the summer, but I had to say no. Apart from anything else, Becca knows as much about boundaries and discipline as I do about particle physics. I may well have come home to find Lizzie pregnant, in rehab or starting a new life as a tattoo artist. All three risk factors could equally have applied to Becca herself.
Funnily enough, after that idea was knocked back, Lizzie didn’t ask to stay with my parents … mainly because she’s not stupid and knows their idea of a wild night out is getting all four corners in bingo at the church hall.
My parents are very sensible – so obviously they hadn’t wanted me to do this either. They thought I was nuts, though they phrased it more sensitively than that. They tread carefully around me these days, which is kind of heartbreaking in its own way. I yearn for the days when my dad can look me in the eye and be rude to me again.
Maybe, I think, surveying the now-thickening traffic as we join the M5 and follow the signs that faithfully promise we are heading towards The South West, they’re all spot on. Maybe Lizzie and Nate and my mum and dad are one hundred per cent accurate with their assessment: maybe I am nuts. Plus, now I come to think about it, Becca didn’t try and talk me out of it at all, which is probably a sure sign that I’m making a poor life choice.
But somehow … I know it’s the right thing to do. I just know it is, with a certainty I’ve not felt for a very long time. I feel scared and anxious and I miss David like hell – but I also feel something odd. Something fluttery and strange. Something that vaguely resembles hope and optimism, and a sense of potential. Perhaps it’s just the sheer shock of it all, I don’t know – but even if Lizzie hates me for a while (possibly forever) and Nate is bored, and my parents consider getting me committed, I know I’m heading in the right direction. Even without the sat nav.
It’s all as unexpected to me as it is to my family. I’d say I’m not an impulsive person, but I don’t really know if that’s true or not. I don’t really know what kind of a person I am, not in this version of reality. I was with David for so long – most of my life – that my entire identity was wrapped up with him. I’ve never been on my own – I’ve always been with him. I’ve never been just Laura, I’ve always been one half of David and Laura. Daura or Lavid … nah, neither of those work. We’d never make it in Hollywood.
Something about this – upping sticks and dragging us all off to Dorset – feels like the first step to finding out who I’m going to be next. That sounds weird, a bit like I’m an international spy with a bundle of fake IDs and foreign passports and stacks of Euros hidden in a heating vent.
But I know it’s important, this feeling. It’s taken me a long time to accept that there will even be a ‘next’ – to accept that I have to try and make a life for myself without David. Basically because I didn’t even want a life without David – in fact I still don’t. But it’s not just about me, it’s about the kids. I can’t just shrivel up and fade into the West without him, much as Lizzie might like that right now.
I have to keep moving. I have to push on, to find the courage to even believe that there will be a ‘next’. It’s been over two years since he left us and that tiny, fluttering feeling – that hope – is what’s keeping me going on this insane drive. Or, possibly, that tiny fluttering feeling is just all the coffee on an empty stomach. Either way, we’re going. It feels like the right thing to do – plus, well, I got the job. That in itself is a minor miracle, all things considered, and it would be downright rude to reject a miracle, wouldn’t it? Even a minor one.
I sent off that ridiculous letter two days before the closing date and genuinely never expected to hear from them. I mean, who in their right minds would give a job to a woman like me? A woman who not only wrote, but actually posted, a tear-stained letter that was the very definition of over-sharing?
Apparently, Cherie Moon would. Perhaps I should take that as fair warning – Cherie, my new boss, the woman who holds our destiny in her hands for the next month and a half, is entirely probably not in her right mind. Also, as Becca had helpfully pointed out, she did have what sounded like a ‘very cool but probably made-up name’.
The response to my letter had been short but very, very sweet. It landed four weeks ago, in one of those small brown padded jiffy bags that people use when you’ve bought something off eBay. As I hadn’t actually bought anything off eBay, and as my post usually consists of bills and people trying to persuade me to reclaim my PPI, I was a bit confused. I stared at it for a few minutes, jiggled it about, and eventually – in a fit of amazing clarity – actually opened it.
Inside was a small pink card, folded in two, from none other than the legendary and possibly fictitious Cherie Moon.
‘Congratulations!’ it announced, in tiny, curling handwriting. ‘I could tell from your letter that you are exactly the right person for the job, and I’m so excited about welcoming you all to the Comfort Food Café for your working holiday. Enclosed are directions to both us and to your cottage, along with your keys, a bit of information on boring things to do with the house, and phone numbers in case you need them. I’ll expect you on July 23 – and I’ll have something sweet and special waiting for you at the café!’
And that was, quite literally, it. Even I, with very limited experience in the world of work, knew that this was unorthodox. There was no request for references (thank God) and only a couple of forms to fill in. There was just that pretty little card, with its tiny handwriting, a few photocopied sheets with a map and pictures, and the keys.
The keys that were currently tucked away in my bag, which was somewhere under Nate’s feet, crammed in with a multipack of juice cartons and mini boxes of raisins and dried apricots that nobody would eat. I just like to be prepared, in case a freak snowstorm or a zombie invasion means we get trapped at the side of the road, you know?
David used to take the mickey out of me something rotten for what he called my ‘survivalist streak’. I even miss that. I even miss being mocked, which is kind of tragic. But he mocked me in a nice way, and now nobody even knows me well enough or cares enough to bother poking fun at me.
I give myself a mental whack around the head and start to sing along to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love’ instead of allowing myself to follow this familiar path to Wallow Town. I Will Not Wallow – my new mantra – I think, as I join Meatloaf on a sonic journey through affairs of the heart.
‘I like this one,’ mumbles Nate, almost-but-not-quite asleep now. His comatose tone makes me smile – it’s the way he speaks just before he conks out.
‘Me too,’ I reply, smiling.
‘I don’t,’ mutters Lizzie from the back seat.
Oh well, I think, glad to hear her voice, even if it does sound pissed off. Two out of three ain’t bad.
