For Dashiell and Bryn, my heroes
PROLOGUE: Things You Don’t Know About Prince Charming
1. Prince Charming Misplaces His Bride
2. Prince Charming Defends Some Vegetables
3. Prince Charming Claims He Is Not Afraid of Old Ladies
4. Prince Charming Loses Some Fans
5. Prince Charming Is the Worst Person in the World
6. Prince Charming Has No Sense of Direction
7. Prince Charming Has No Idea What’s Going On
8. Prince Charming Is Afraid of the Dark
9. Prince Charming Is a Wanted Man
10. Prince Charming Annoys the King
11. Prince Charming Takes a Dive
12. Prince Charming Hugs Trees
13. Prince Charming Is Completely Unnecessary
14. Prince Charming Falls Flat
15. Prince Charming Should Not Be Left Unsupervised
16. Prince Charming Meets a Piece of Wood
17. Prince Charming Still Has No Idea What’s Going On
18. Prince Charming Gets Battered and Fried
19. Prince Charming Needs a Bath
20. Prince Charming Walks into a Bar
21. Prince Charming Joins a Gang
22. Prince Charming Is a Sneak
23. Prince Charming Takes the Wrong Seat
24. Prince Charming Hates Children
25. Prince Charming Really Needs to Figure Out What’s Going On
27. Prince Charming Gets Good News and Bad News
29. Prince Charming Does Exactly What He Said He’d Never Do
30. Prince Charming Almost Saves the Day
31. Prince Charming Gets Just What He Thinks He Wanted
EPILOGUE: Prince Charming Goes Where Everybody Knows His Name
About the Publisher
Prince Charming is afraid of old ladies. Didn’t know that, did you?
Don’t worry. There’s a lot you don’t know about Prince Charming: Prince Charming has no idea how to use a sword; Prince Charming has no patience for dwarfs; Prince Charming has an irrational hatred of capes.
Some of you may not even realize that there’s more than one Prince Charming. And that none of them are actually named Charming. No one is. Charming isn’t a name; it’s an adjective.
But don’t blame yourself for your lack of Prince Charming–based knowledge; blame the lazy bards. You see, back in the day, bards and minstrels were the world’s only real source of news. It was they who bestowed fame upon people. They were the ones who sculpted any hero’s (or villain’s) reputation. Whenever something big happened—a damsel was rescued, a dragon was slain, a curse was broken—the royal bards would write a song about it, and their wandering minstrels would perform that tune from land to land, spreading the story across multiple kingdoms. But the bards weren’t
