niggled my conscience, voices that knew I was scared of the unknown.
I gazed at April’s bed and the pink headboard in the shape of a giant crown. A glittery chandelier hung from the ceiling and fairy lights trailed the coving. Heart motifs lined the wall above the entrance to her walk-in wardrobe and matched a shaped fluffy rug on the floor. Over the last year, more grown-up aspects had appeared, like a poster of her favourite pop group. April and her new friends dreamed of belonging to a girl band.
I stole a glance at my daughter who stood by my side at the door, mouth downturned. What a contrast to the day she’d first seen her newly decorated bedroom. Squeals had filled the air and she’d given Zak and me the tightest hugs ever. I smiled. At that point she’d still played mostly with toys. Zak and I had listened at the door as she explained to her dolls that the wardrobe was their own particular new home.
‘Are the guinea pigs packed?’ she asked in a flat voice.
‘Yes.’ It was good of Noah to let us keep them in his garden.
‘Tell me again why we have to leave. I don’t understand. The house is big. Skye had a good idea – why can’t you and Daddy just have half each?’
I knelt down and took her hand. Her gold nail varnish was peeling. Her bottom lip jutted out.
‘Daddy and I can’t live in the same house together any more, sweetie.’
‘Why don’t you love each other any more?’ Her voice cracked.
My chest squeezed at red blotches around her eyes. I’d heard her sobbing in bed last night but when I’d gone into her room she froze and pretended to sleep.
‘We will always care for each other because of our gigantic love for you, but … you know Daddy and Chanelle are together now.’
‘But you and Chanelle are friends, aren’t you? And Daddy doesn’t want you to move out – he wants to stay friends too.’
Inwardly I sighed. I still hadn’t seen that woman since I learned of the affair. Us adults had tried to make things as pain-free as possible for the children. I’d avoided words like fault and hate. At least it was one thing Zak and I agreed on – not to play the blame game. Although now and again I reached screaming point, and just wanted to stamp my foot, bawl and yell that yes, I hated my ex best friend and it was Daddy’s fault.
‘We just all want what is best for you and Skye,’ I said. ‘Me and Daddy separating has got nothing to do with you. In fact, you are the most fab-u-licious bit of both of us.’ I stood up. ‘And so it just means … things will be the same but different. Skye still sees her dad, doesn’t she? Just not at the same time as her mum.’
Her chin wobbled. ‘It won’t be the same at all. Daddy won’t come in from work every night and let me fetch him a bowl of crisps. Dot won’t cook for us any more. And where will I put all my make-up and toys?’
I squeezed her hand. I’d answered these questions a hundred times already, over the last few days.
‘You now have two homes,’ I said brightly. ‘And in one you’ll have a room in a really cool loft, right next to a coffee shop.’
‘I don’t even know Noah that well. Stupid name,’ she muttered. ‘But two homes will be cool. Daddy’s staying here. That means that one day we might be able to sort something out and move back.’
I stared at her. Hardly breathed. Shivered as dread filled my chest. In that moment I realised it was time to tell her the truth. Well, a watered-down version, that left out scary words such as bankruptcy. She had enough to worry about as it was. I stiffened my body and prepared myself for the sight of her crushed hope – the broken face, her understanding that everything familiar she’d come to love would end up belonging to someone else.
‘No, sweetie.’ I cleared my throat. ‘Even if Daddy stays here, it won’t be for ever.’
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