Another incredible year together. I’m proud to call you my girl every single day and I know we will soon be holding our baby and moaning about sleepless nights. I long to moan about sleepless nights! Your gift will be here soon, and it’s a good one, I promise!
Love always, Luke x
‘Awww.’ I was touched. It was a lovely message … the best.
‘I love this,’ Luke said, turning the chopping board over in his hands. ‘Antihero. Ha ha, brilliant!’
‘Better that you do all the cooking in future.’ I pulled a face at the burnt meringues and stood up to start clearing the plates.
‘Don’t be daft. Hey, sorry about the delay with the gift, but honestly, it will be worth the wait.’ His face was earnest. ‘You know I always get on board with the whole present thing. But this gift took a bit longer than I thought it would and I have one thing left to do to make it perfect.’
I shifted in my seat. I had vague backache but our chairs were notoriously uncomfortable.
‘You look amazing, you know that?’
‘Do I?’ I glanced down at my dress. I’d made an effort with a teal-coloured jersey concoction with capped sleeves and a deep V-neck that made the most of my new-found cleavage. It was a romantic dress for what I was determined would be a romantic night. The process of IVF was curiously neutral. Intimate in its own freakish way, but not between husband and wife. I wanted tonight to be about myself and Luke – about reconnecting – and most importantly, about remembering why we got together in the first place.
Luke turned in his chair and pulled me closer so I was standing between his legs. ‘That dress is lovely, but it’s not that. I haven’t wanted to say this to you before now, because of … well, you know. But pregnancy suits you. You look beautiful. Really beautiful. It takes my breath away just to look at you.’
I was lost for words. Completely lost. I felt Luke’s hand on my waist. He moved it across my stomach, across my swollen bump.
‘I’m so excited about our future,’ he said, his eyes clouding over with emotion. ‘This is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to us, I just know it.’
‘Me too.’
I felt such an intense rush of happiness, it threatened to blind me. This was going to be the making of us. This baby was everything we had ever wanted and I was going to do my very best to enjoy the final months of my pregnancy, to embrace this experience. I had wanted to so badly, but fear had held me back. I covered Luke’s hand with mine so we were holding my bump together.
Luke stood up, cupping my neck. He kissed me, a sweet, gentle kiss that became more urgent. I kissed him back, sliding my arms around his waist. I knew his back was super-sensitive, so I ran my hands across it, smiling as he flinched with pleasure. He groaned.
I smiled, bending to kiss him again. I liked making Luke groan.
‘No, it’s my phone,’ he said, reaching down and drawing it out of his pocket. ‘It must be work.’
‘Ignore it?’ I said hopefully, resting my forehead on his shoulder. Oh, the frustration.
‘I can’t. Shit.’ Luke checked the message. ‘I need to go in. Christ. Talk about bad timing. It’s only a four hour shift, but still. Sorry, Luce.’ He gave me a kiss, the kind that had a ring of promise. ‘Let’s reconvene later. Or in the morning. Shall we?’
I nodded. I could wait until then. Reluctantly, I let go of him, our fingers touching until the last second.
‘We are such saps; I love it.’ Luke headed out of the room, throwing a grin over his shoulder. ‘Laters, dude.’
I held up a hand in farewell, the other wrapped around my tummy.
Five hours later
My back felt tight and cramps spiralled through my groin. I slowly lowered myself on to the bed. I hadn’t imagined it. That burning sensation I had been feeling earlier down one side of my groin was becoming more acute, the pain thrumming through my body. To think that earlier, all I was worrying about was burnt meringues and leathery lamb. Now, my adrenalin was pumping like crazy and I could hear rushing in my ears.
Where was Luke? I had left him a message, just a brief one, calm and without a hint of panic, but I hadn’t heard back from him. The panic I had hidden was taking hold, gripping me round the throat. I needed to talk to someone, but it was Sunday; my midwife didn’t seem to be on call today. I’d left her a message, too, not bothering to hide my terror this time.
I took some deep breaths, trying to work out whether I could move. There wasn’t any blood; that had to be a good sign. The other times, there had always been blood. Blood before any proper cramps. I was tired, I had morning sickness from dawn until dusk and I was suffering from crippling migraines. But these were symptoms of a normal pregnancy; I had been assured of this.
Where the hell was Luke? His shift was a four hour one, I remembered him saying that. It had been five hours now and he still wasn’t back.
My entire body felt icy with fear. The fear gripped me like a hand around my throat, choking me, squeezing until I could barely breathe. I was trying my best to stay calm, not to think the worst. But the pain was increasing with every passing second. My gut was telling me that something was very wrong. I needed Luke. Luke was the only person who could ever support me in these situations. He was the only person who understood me, who knew how to pull me out of the pit of despair I was spiralling into. Or to catch me if the worst happened.
I gasped as another painful cramp consumed me. I scrabbled for my mobile again. I could call Dee. I needed to speak to someone, to be reassured. No, I needed to get to hospital. Although I knew that if something had started to go wrong, there wasn’t much that could stop it. I had been here before, so many times. But still, I needed to go. I just … didn’t want to move. I just wanted to hold off a tiny bit longer, cling to the dream for a few more seconds. As soon as I called someone, it would become real.
Another sharp cramp shocked me with its force and made me reach for my mobile. This wasn’t right; it didn’t feel right. As a strong cramp tore through me, I bent over and screamed.
Twelve hours later
‘Sweetheart, are you all right?’
I opened my eyes to find an unfamiliar face looming above mine. The eyes were full of sympathy and there was a hand holding my shoulder firmly. I was in a bed, but it wasn’t mine; it was hard and unyielding and there was a starchy sheet pulled up around me, the cotton crisp.
‘You were crying in your sleep,’ the woman said, patting me. ‘It’s totally understandable in the circumstances. I’ve just started my shift, so I’ll be here all night with you. Just call if you need me.’ She moved away quietly, tending to someone else in a bed nearby.
Crying in my sleep? I blinked. My eyelids felt heavy and sore. I was in a hard bed with stiff sheets and the woman – I checked out the unflattering uniform – was a nurse. I was in hospital. What was I doing here? Where was Luke? I shifted myself up, beginning to feel scared. I felt bruised, inside and out. I moved my hands tentatively until they were on my stomach. It wasn’t flat and it still felt firm-ish but I could
