have no idea.’ Luke laughed at his own awful joke. ‘Seriously. You name it, we’ll do it, date-wise. Decorating cupcakes, feeding monkeys at the zoo … shopping for clothes.’ He covered his face. ‘God. That’s how desperate I am. I’m offering to go shopping for clothes. I’m a disgrace to men the world over.’
I melted. Who could resist such an advance? ‘I’m in,’ I told him with a stupid grin. In reality, I was more than ‘in.’ I was hurtling, fast-falling, utterly bowled over. Despite being terrible at bowling.
Later, Luke told me that he had spent five weeks tracking me down, the delay caused by Liberty being sent on a month-long cruise with her least favourite aunt as a punishment for the wild party.
Our love story, as Dee liked to call it, was kind of old-fashioned. Cosy dinner dates, endless chats into the early hours of the morning. A slow, heady burn between us that had taken my breath away in the early weeks and that swiftly turned into body-shuddering passion. I gave up my job in the book shop and I started working at Hartes & Flowers. I loved it and I loved this man that had come into my life like a whirlwind, with his romance and his eyes and his words.
And at the point, pretty early on, where Luke quietly said: ‘Lucy, I’m so in love with you, I can’t even bear it,’ I felt an exquisite rush of relief. I had fallen in love with him long, long before that moment and the agony of worrying that he didn’t feel the same way had almost killed me.
Being chased by a man like Luke had turned my life on its axis. Losing him really wasn’t an option.
September
Nell balanced the notepad on her lap, but her nervous, jiggling leg kept knocking it off. She glanced over her shoulder, certain all the other students sharing the grassy bank with her must have spotted the state she was in, but they were oblivious. Smoking, chatting, reading, exclaiming over something outrageous in Tatler. The last thing they were doing was paying any attention to Nell or her inner panic. They were all at college for a meeting to collect coursework notes and information about their final year, but Nell couldn’t stop thinking about Luke. What if he woke up and she missed it?
It was a beautiful day, sunny and clear, she observed. The kind of day that brought everyone outside for a breath of fresh air and the feeling of warmth on skin. The world was still turning and she couldn’t help resenting it. Luke had almost died. Luke might still die. Yet everyone was continuing with their lives without a care in the world. Even she was continuing with her life. It had only been two days since Luke’s accident, but, frighteningly, there had been no change.
Nell made an effort to still her jiggling leg. She needed to talk to someone. There had to be someone else she could speak to rather than doing this, surely? But her closest friend Becks had moved away and phone calls weren’t the same thing as face to face. She had other friends like Lisa, but she was so busy with her shops … besides, Nell didn’t feel comfortable speaking to Lisa about Luke; it felt too personal. Which was ridiculous, but Nell wanted to keep what had happened to Luke wrapped up in a bubble, close to her heart. At least until they knew what the outcome was going to be.
Nell thought about talking to Cal. She hadn’t seen him since she left his flat the other night. She hadn’t been into college until today and she could hardly ring him at home; his wife might answer. Or one of his kids – an awful thought. He used his mobile to contact her but he had actively discouraged her from contacting him that way. Which left her in no-man’s-land, basically. Out of contact and out of control. She could try him at the flat she had stayed at the other night – it used to belong to Cal’s uncle and he stayed there a fair amount during the week, as he lived an hour or so away by car. But Nell didn’t want to approach him … it felt too forward, too needy.
The guilt about Cal’s wife and children threatened to suffocate her every time she thought about them. But Nell wasn’t about to feel sorry for herself. She deserved to feel guilty – she had done a bad thing. More than once. She pulled the notepad closer, knowing what she was about to do. Was it weird? Maybe, but it had helped her all those years ago … perhaps it would help her now. Nell didn’t feel she had a choice. He was the only person she could talk to right now.
Dad.
It’s me. We haven’t spoken for a while, so I thought I’d check in. You don’t mind me writing to you, do you? That therapist thought it was a good idea when I was a kid, a way for me to ‘get my feelings out when I couldn’t vocalise them.’ I didn’t. I was so angry, I called her a name a twelve-year-old shouldn’t say out loud and the therapist was terribly understanding about it. I was livid. How dare she be so sympathetic and insightful?
The thing is … I have news. Not good news. And you’re pretty much the first person I wanted to talk about it with. Here goes. Luke is in a coma. Lucy lost their last IVF baby. Read that again. I know. It’s horrendous. I can’t compute it, can’t even understand how this can have happened. It’s the sort of thing that happens to someone else, isn’t it? And just one of those things, not two at the same time.
Really, Dad, I hate to sound trite, but if you know anyone with any clout up there, kick them in the bollocks, will you? Because this is really, really shit and they don’t deserve this. Lucy and Luke are good people – the best.
To make matters worse, when it all happened, I was in bed with someone. A married man, Dad. MARRIED. And he’s one of my lecturers at college. Yeah. I know. I can imagine what you’re thinking. Not what you want to hear about your little girl, but you don’t have to tell me how stupid I am, because I already know. Trouble is, I think I kind of love him. That sounds juvenile. I don’t ‘think’ and I don’t ‘kind of.’ I just do. Love him, that is. And it’s scary. I’ve fallen hard and quickly – the worst way to fall, right? Especially when you know that person isn’t right for you. I haven’t told anyone yet, by the way. Not even him.
Listen, I’ve emailed Ade to tell him about Luke and I think he’s coming home once he’s sorted a few things out. He was devastated … really shocked. I’m not sure how Mum will feel about Ade possibly coming back; she doesn’t even know Ade and I are in touch, albeit sporadically. They haven’t spoken for years … since Ade left, in fact.
Anyway, that’s it, Dad. A lot to take in, I know. If I can just leave it with you, you know, the kicking in the bollocks bit? Thanks. I wish I could …
Nell broke off, feeling someone peering over her shoulder. She screwed the piece of paper up into a ball.
‘What’s that?’
It was Cal. He looked rather professorial in a jacket with those weird leather patches at the elbows. Surely rather warm on a day like today?
‘Are you starting your new assignment already?’
‘Er, no.’ Nell shoved the balled-up letter into her bag. ‘Sorry. What with Luke and everything …’
‘Of course, the accident.’ Cal shifted the stack of papers he was carrying from one arm to the other. The sun made his golden hair appear dappled. ‘Yes. How is he? Any change? I’m
