true love that they’re after. What women who make the first move in our stories never ever get – except in the metamorphosing climaxes of fairytales – is love that lasts.
‘I told him I was a nice girl.’
(Woman on ‘Blind Date’)
HERE’S SOME typical advice to the girl between about ten and fifteen who’s fallen in love and is wondering what to do about it.
‘Summer’s too short to wait around for him to make the first move, so take a deep breath and do it … . “D’you wanna go to the beach with me on Saturday” fixes the place and date and makes your intention clear so that you both know where you stand …. [Or you could try] the cheeky approach: “If you don’t come to the beach with me this Saturday I’ll tell all your mates that you wear knitted underpants”.’1
‘All the signs are there – yes, he probably does feel the same way … Next time you’re both standing there smiling at one another – give him a kiss! That should sort things out.’2
‘Do plan some things to say. You don’t need to write a script, just have a few suggested date locations up your sleeve. Do be persistent. When his Mum says he’s out, he probably is out. (Unless she says it, like, all the time!) Do call him. Just do it.’3
The magazines in which this advice can be found – It’s Bliss, Fast Forward, Just 17 – have a very young readership. The girls who buy these magazines are on the cusp between childhood and sexual maturity, poised on the edge of the world of adult relationships – curious, excited, perhaps a little hesitant. Many of them aren’t yet going out with boys. Where they do have boyfriends, their relationships may have all the deep seriousness of first love – but they’re unlikely to lead to lasting pair-bonding.
The magazines reflect the ‘in-between’ status of the girls who read them. Sex advice columns, often vibrantly frank, jostle with pictures of polar-bear cubs. The mix of sexual sophistication with the artefacts of pubescent girl culture – Simba rucksacks, pop-star icons, pets, butterfly barrettes – gives these magazines a rather touching charm. And in this half-play, half-serious world of snogs, dreamy boyfs and Russian hamsters – a world that’s still close to that ‘little girl’ one in which girls take outrageous initiatives – making the first move is actively encouraged. Girls are urged to ring him, ask him out, get a life. Take a deep breath and say it – summer’s too short. If you want to know if he likes you, give him a kiss. Ring him, just do it. We seem to have entered the broad sunny uplands of female sexual assertiveness already.
Advice for young women who’ve left the hamster stage behind is quite different, though. Sexually mature women for whom sexual relationships might be about reproduction are urged to take quite another approach.
‘Great Date – but will he call again?’ asks an article in Company.4 The sub-heading urges, ‘Forget waiting by the phone – make that second date happen.’ The illustration shows a buoyant-looking woman in a slinky red dress. The promise of both illustration and sub-heading is that this will be all about female assertiveness.
The writer reflects, ‘I’ve called men up. I’ve even asked a few out on dates … I’ve since discovered how great it can be if you give a man the space to make a move on you. It’s a wonderful confidence boost for you when he does ring. Calling him first can deprive you of that pleasure … .’ What looked at first glance like a paean to female sexual initiatives turns out on closer inspection to be a manifesto for the courtship backlash – the story of a woman who used to act unconventionally and who reverts with a sense of relief to the traditional way of doing things and finds it rewarding.
The writer bases her advice on a concept of men’s true nature. ‘Why can’t we just come out and say what we really mean? Something along the lines of, “Listen, I really enjoyed myself tonight. Let’s do it again. How about next Wednesday?” Why? Because we all know how most men would react to such a request. What you mean is, you’d like to see him again; but what he thinks you mean is, “I am after commitment, not a casual fling, so if you’re not the marrying kind, you’re wasting my time.” ’
So what to do? She has a solution: to fib a bit.
‘So if, like me, you can’t stand shampooing your hair with the water off in case the damned phone rings after a great date, get real. He wants to call you? Don’t give him your number. Madness? No. Ask him for his. That’s what I did when I first went out with Jack. I told him the telephone line wasn’t yet connected at my new flat and, because I was temping, he couldn’t call me at work either – but I’d be happy to call him. It worked. For once, I didn’t have to stare at the phone and will it to ring.’
An article in Cosmopolitan is called ‘The lure of the sexually aggressive woman’.5 The illustration shows a woman with tousled hair and underwear embroidered with flowers gleefully hitting a prostrate man with a pillow. This is female sexual aggression as sexual display: like the flowery underwear, it adds to her appeal. But the text itself is full of qualifications. Every description of what an assertive woman might do is followed by a warning.
“The sexually aggressive woman … propositions men as easily as most of us play coy, never hesitates to tell her partner what she needs. If he can’t handle her directness, she dismisses him, reasoning that she’s better off with a man who lets her take the lead. Not all such women are acting out of healthy desire. Some are motivated by a deep-rooted hostility towards men.’
We’re warned that not only may sexual assertiveness be pathological, it may also be deeply unattractive – and even lead to sexual dysfunction in the man. ‘Few men will take orders from a drill sergeant. Telling him to “give it to me like a man” … may immediately kill desire … Angry demands may even result in your partner suffering from impotence or premature ejaculation.’
Above all, Cosmo Woman is warned not to be too assertive at the start of the relationship. The writer’s parting shot is about timing: the risks of female sexual ‘aggressiveness’ are greatest at the beginning of the relationship. ‘It’s true that some men are scared off by women who like to take charge; other men may welcome an assertive stance – but only after they’re well past the initial stages of courtship. And since nobody likes rejection, you’re probably better off playing by the old rules of seduction – at least until your romance develops … . Just remember that it’s best to hold off until he trusts you. When you are sure that he feels safe, unleash the tigress!’
Both these articles ooze ambivalence. Their ostensible subject matter is female sexual assertiveness: that’s the promise of the titles and the illustrations. But the writers have a problem. They like the idea of women asserting themselves – but they’re also worried that the woman who makes the first move will drive the man she wants away. They struggle to reconcile their enthusiasm for female initiatives with their beliefs about the nature of men – as creatures who hate to be told what to do, flee from commitment, are scared by women who come on too strong, and only want casual flings.
The solution both writers
