‘You’re not gay, are you?’ she said.
‘Er, no,’ said Johnathan.
‘Sure?’ said Kibby with a smile.
‘Christ, yes, sorry, no, of course. No, absolutely not.’
‘Do you fancy having sex tonight?’
‘What?’
‘With me.’
‘What?’ said Johnathan again.
‘You know. Sex. Having it off. A bit of the other. Rumpy-pumpy. Bonking.’
Johnathan reeled. ‘Well, I–’
‘It’s not a very difficult question,’ said Kibby.
‘No, no, it’s not, not at all,’ stammered Johnathan.
‘Well then,’ said Kibby coolly. ‘What do you reckon?’
‘Er, OK.’
‘Your place or mine?’
They sat in the back of the taxi in silence. Johnathan looked at his hands and wondered what on earth was going on. Twelve hours earlier he had been celebrating his new-found freedom from Chloe and now here he was exercising it in the most obvious way possible. Such things, he mused, usually only seemed to happen to other people.
Kibby regarded him, amused. ‘You once made a remark about the pepper grinder to Topaz, didn’t you?’ she asked.
‘I don’t remember,’ said Johnathan.
‘Thought so,’ said Kibby.
Johnathan- changed the subject. ‘We should be there in a few minutes.’ He watched the deserted London streets pass by.
‘Good. It’s freezing in this cab.’ There was a pause. ‘Johnathan,’ said Kibby.
‘Yes?’
‘We’re only going to have sex together. That’s all. I’m not expecting you to propose marriage in the morning.’
‘I know.’
‘I just wish you’d relax. You look terrified.’
‘I am terrified.’
‘Why? Look, if you prefer, we can just play Scrabble.’
‘I haven’t got Scrabble.’
‘Monopoly?’
‘No.’
‘Oh well, looks like sex it is, then.’
There was another long pause.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Kibby, moving over the back seat and linking her arm through his. ‘If all else fails you must at least have a pack of cards.’
A few minutes later the taxi pulled up outside Johnathan’s flat. It was very late. Johnathan’s hands were trembling as he fumbled with the fare. The driver watched him with amusement. ‘Can’t wait to get going, can you mate?’ he asked jovially. ‘First time, is it?’ Johnathan regarded him with loathing, and halved the tip.
Kibby was waiting patiently on the pavement. As the taxi pulled away, Johnathan smiled at her nervously. ‘Right. Here we are.’
Kibby beamed at him. ‘Can’t wait. Have you got any coffee?’
To his surprise, Johnathan laughed. ‘Tons of it. Come on.’
He unlocked the front door and led Kibby into the hall. He took her coat. Kibby looked around, shivering slightly. Johnathan saw that the answer-phone was winking at him. He ignored it. It was probably Chloe again. ‘What’s that?’ asked Kibby, pointing at Schroedinger, who had just stumbled out of the kitchen, looking around blearily.
‘That,’ said Johnathan, ‘is Schroedinger.’
Kibby laughed her laugh. Schroedinger’s ears went back as his hair stood on end. ‘Hello Schroedinger.’ She bent down and picked him up. Schroedinger was too surprised to do anything. He had never been picked up before. Kibby wrinkled her nose up at him. ‘How are you? Have you missed Johnathan this evening? Do you mind that he’s come home with a strange woman?’ Schroedinger wagged his stump non-committally.
‘How about that coffee?’ said Johnathan.
‘Lovely.’ Kibby put Schroedinger down and walked into the sitting room.
‘Be with you in a minute.’ In the kitchen Johnathan set up the coffee machine in a daze. His brain was a whirr. What was Kibby doing here? Did she really want to have sex with him? If so, what was wrong with the normal channels, the usual procedure? There was a sort of etiquette, after all. You didn’t just ask. He clumsily arranged the cups and saucers on the work surface.
‘Sugar?’ he asked a few moments later as he walked into the sitting room with two full cups.
‘No thanks. I like it black and strong. Like my men.’ Kibby took her cup. There was a pause. ‘Johnathan, I’m joking.’
‘Sorry, yes, of course you are,’ said Johnathan, sitting down beside her on the sofa. Schroedinger sat by the door, eyeing them both suspiciously.
Kibby turned towards Johnathan. ‘OK?’ she asked.
‘I think so.’ He paused. ‘There is one thing.’
Kibby looked at him appraisingly. ‘You don’t have any condoms.’
Johnathan felt sheepish. ‘No.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Kibby breezily. ‘I’ve got stacks. Never travel without them. Be prepared is my motto.’ Kibby saluted and sipped her coffee. ‘Now, there’s an easy way and a hard way of doing this,’ she continued in a matter-of-fact way. ‘Either I wait for you to make a pass at me, in which case we’ll probably be here until well into Sunday afternoon, or you let me make a bit of the running. Does that sound all right to you?’
Johnathan shrugged helplessly. ‘Er, yes, fine.’
‘Right.’ Kibby placed her cup carefully down on the table in front of her. She moved Johnathan’s cup to the far side of the table. ‘Don’t want to knock the coffee over in the excitement, do we?’ she said.
‘Suppose not,’ said Johnathan, who had begun to sweat slightly.
‘Right,’ said Kibby again. She moved purposefully towards Johnathan, and took his hand in hers. She looked into his eyes for several seconds. ‘You look like a startled rabbit caught in someone’s headlights,’ she declared.
‘Oh,
