my belly and between my legs. I’d never known naked desire like this, and I was afraid of it. Especially when I stood no chance with someone like Konrad.
I swallowed back my bitterness with another gulp of champagne and looked back out of the window. People came over and I wound in and out of conversations haphazardly. I tried not to look for or at Konrad.
I had just started wobbling on my feet and decided I ought to head back to Rochelle’s apartment when I noticed that someone had filled the bathtub with water and bubbles. Some of the others had got naked and a couple were climbing in. As they sat down, their friends passed them their champagne flutes. The lights were dim; the music had become languorous once more. Across the room I noticed Konrad, still shirtless, watching me, a smile flitting about his lips. I looked away, this time incapable of returning his gaze.
It was all getting too much for me now – not just Konrad but the whole situation. But at the same time my professional instincts took over and I found myself seeking out my camera where I’d left it in a corner of the room. Pulling the strap over my head, I walked back towards the bath, holding my camera up to my face, toying with the lens. A couple of the others looked at me, but nobody seemed surprised or shocked, or showed any objections to being photographed. I clicked away rapidly, eager to catch the moment before it all evaporated into the night like smoke. I knew from experience never to hesitate.
I took hundreds of shots of the bodies cavorting in the bath, of others dancing, and of those just draped across the bed like giant cats, drinking and chatting. Then all of a sudden I was done. I just needed to get home and pass into oblivion for the night.
Grabbing my camera bag, I turned towards the door. Konrad stood in front of me, chest bare, top button of his fly undone, so that a small furring of hair was visible where his six-pack belly tapered away down to his crotch.
He struck a pose. I laughed, uncertainly, and began to snap away again.
Chapter 8: Rochelle
Thank God for Kyle. He saved me from myself, albeit without really knowing it. After making that pass at me, he withdrew to his room, but sensing that I was reluctant to leave despite turning him down, he came back with a pillow and a blanket.
‘Why don’t you spare yourself a cab fare and sleep here?’ he said, gesturing towards one his capacious cream sofas. They looked comfier than your average single bed. Compared with the prospect of wandering the streets, they looked like heaven.
I nodded, taking the pillow and blanket and holding them to me, instantly feeling comforted. ‘I don’t suppose you have a spare …’
‘In the bathroom cabinet, under the sink,’ he said, smiling a little sadly. I wondered if he’d stocked up on an extra toothbrush that very morning, anticipating conquest. But I looked at him and there was something so little boy lost about him that I couldn’t believe he was certain of anything, not least seducing a woman.
‘Goodnight,’ he said softly, then he turned and padded off to his room. I placed the pillow at one end of the sofa and spread out the blanket. It was soft as cashmere, though I couldn’t find a label to confirm that it was. I bunched it up and held it to me, curling myself around its bulk foetus-style. I felt looked after, and I knew it would take only a few steps towards Kyle’s room and an apologetic smile for this feeling to expand and take me over. What was stopping me from doing that? Why did I only ever choose the things that hurt me?
For a moment my instinct was to get up, run to the front door and hurry away into the night. But I forced myself to stay where I was. I didn’t even get up to brush my teeth, though I knew I’d regret it the next morning. Instead I just lay back on the sofa and peeled off my dress and stockings until I was down to my underwear, a Playboy bunny-style bikini bra and matching panties. Then I reached for my bag on the floor beside and the glass of water I’d drawn from the tap a few moments before, and I gulped down a couple of sleeping pills, grateful for anything that would get me through the night.
***
When I woke up in the morning, I found myself in a pool of sunlight, having forgotten to close the curtains. Kyle, on the opposite sofa, was staring at me, not in a lecherous way, but with a kind of sadness.
I sat up abruptly when I saw him. The blanket slid from me, revealing my underwear. I looked down, and one of my nipples was peeking brazenly from my bra.
‘Oh god,’ I said, pushing it back up while trying to grab the blanket from the floor. ‘Sorry, Kyle.’
I was used to showing myself off, so why was I shy like this in front of Kyle?
Kyle shrugged, standing up and heading for the kitchen. ‘Coffee?’ he said.
‘I’d love one.’
As he busied himself with his Gaggia, I grabbed my clothes and dressed hurriedly. My clothes weren’t exactly daytime attire, but I was used to people looking at me in the street, to standing out from the crowd.
Where yesterday I had dreaded going back to Rachel’s, now I was desperate to be back there, alone, showering and changing and reflecting on the events of the night. Tatiana’s parting words, in particular, left me uneasy, and I wished I hadn’t given her my contact details. But as I slipped my shoes on and took the mug of coffee that Kyle held out to me, I told myself that she almost certainly wouldn’t call. Whatever strange games she and Morgan had invented to get through an evening with their kind but staid friend Kyle would quickly be forgotten. I was sure they had bigger fish to fry.
I finished my coffee, gave Kyle a friendly kiss on the cheek, and asked him to call me sometime. As I headed off towards the Tube, I wondered if he ever would.
***
Thanks to the sleeping tablets and Kyle’s loan of his sofa, I felt relatively well rested and positive the next day. Back at Rachel’s flat with a takeout mocha and a muffin in front of me on the breakfast bar, I began to make plans for my time in London. It wasn’t enough, I reasoned, to run away from one’s issues, however cloudy they were. Indeed, perhaps the cloudier they were, the more likely they were to follow you. Sitting around without any real aims or ambitions only risked pushing me towards the kind of distractions I wanted to break away from.
I needed to do a course, I decided. I wasn’t sure exactly what, but I needed to find something to take me out of both myself and my comfort zone. Though I was a risk taker in many respects, I’d been very reliant, it struck me, on my immediate environment and the people in it. Though Pigalle was risqué and perhaps even off limits to certain people, to me it represented security – the security of being surrounded by like-minded people, of not being judged or rejected. But perhaps that in itself demonstrated – ironically – a conservative craving for the known and the reassuring.
I thought about songwriting. My guitar-playing was rusty – I hadn’t picked up an instrument in years. I’d had talent, but I’d been lazy, and I’d let life get in the way. I’d once written poetry too. I’d never done anything with any of it, but now it struck me that I could combine the two and perhaps create something meaningful.
Picking up the phone, I made an appointment to look around the London Songwriting School, and then I called Kyle and left a message asking if he knew anyone who could lend me a guitar for a while. I was going to need to buy one, if I did carry on with this. In fact, I was going to need to get some work to fund all of this. But job and course combined would hopefully keep me out of mischief.
Inspired, I
