when it came to all of Jennifer’s unreachable, untamable animals, baring their teeth at Tully’s meaningless comforts. Her words sounded dull and void even to herself. ‘Forget it…forget him, Jennifer Lynn Mandolini,’ whispered Tully. ‘Please. Forget him.’
But inside, Tully thought, Who cares about him? There is a whole life to be destroyed by or excited by. A whole fucking life.
Far off, Tully heard Jennifer speak.
‘What was that poem you wrote, Tully? Remember?’
‘No,’ Tully said quickly. ‘I wrote a couple of poems. The summer poem?’
‘I don’t know the summer poem,’ Jennifer said. ‘The disconsolate poem.’
Tully cleared her throat.
‘I used to sing
I used to be
Disconsolate, alone, yet free
Now that my soul has been encased
Whatever will become of me…?’
Jennifer closed her eyes. ‘That’s nice,’ she said. ‘Now tell me the summer poem.’
Tully moved slightly away on the bed. ‘Maybe some other time, okay, Jen?’
‘Okay, Tully,’ said Jennifer.
Tully’s heart gripped and ripped as she listened to Jennifer’s erratic breathing. A small scared thought ran darkly through her like a roach surprised by light. How’s Jen ever going to handle anything if she cannot handle something even this minor? Jen had always suspected there would come a time when she would be called upon to deal and wouldn’t be able to. No, I told her, don’t be absurd. Don’t be silly. Everything that happens only makes you stronger. Remember what Nietzsche said? ‘All that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ But yet, here she is, weaker than ever, and I cannot find the right words.
‘I want to go home, Jenny,’ said Tully finally.
Jennifer let Tully drive the Camaro home. They opened all the windows to let the wind in. The March air was cool, but it smelled like spring. As if everything were about to bloom.
‘Car handles well,’ said Tully.
‘Tully, you’ve never driven anything in your life,’ said Jennifer. ‘What do you know about handling?’
‘That’s not true,’ said Tully. ‘Robin lets me drive his Corvette.’
‘Yeah, in the parking lot,’ said Jennifer. ‘I’m sure you’re a real speed demon in the parking lot.’
At the Grove, the girls stood on the porch facing each other. ‘Jennifer,’ Tully said. ‘I’m going to ask you something, and I want you by God to answer me. Jennifer, are you screaming for help?’
Tully could hear Jennifer’s belabored breathing.
‘What a brave question, Tully,’ she finally said.
‘Give me a brave answer, Jennifer, don’t buy time, tell me right now, are you?’
‘No, Tully,’ Jennifer replied. ‘I’m not.’
‘Promise?’
‘I swear on our friendship.’
Tully stood right in front of Jennifer, looking brokenly at Jennifer’s thin face. After a moment, Tully’s right hand went around Jennifer’s head. Tully brought Jen’s face close and kissed her hard on the lips, pulled away, and then kissed her again.
‘Mandolini, I love you,’ Tully said, drained and in pain.
‘And I you, Tully.’
Friday, March 23, in school, Tully, Jennifer, and Julie sat together at lunch – a rare event. Jennifer usually sat with her cheerleader pals even though cheerleading season was long over. Tully thought Jennifer seemed brighter. The heaviness that clung to Tully lifted a little. That Friday night, the girls went to see The Deer Hunter.
‘I think it will win Best Picture,’ predicted Jennifer on the way home.
‘I think Coming Home will win,’ said Julie.
‘Oh, you’re joking!’ Tully laughed. ‘They couldn’t have been more heavy-handed in that film if they had tied you to a post and beat you over the head repeatedly with a ‘War is b-b-b-a-a-a-a-d-d-d’ shovel.’
‘Oh, and here, killing Nick in the last five minutes of the movie, when we were all thinking he was gonna make it, what is that, huh? That’s not heavy-handed?’
‘I didn’t think he was gonna make it,’ said Jennifer, keeping her eyes on the road. ‘I thought from the beginning he would die. He wanted to be so strong,’ she said evenly. ‘He wanted to be as strong as Michael, but he just wasn’t, no matter how he tried, and he tried really hard. In the end, he just lost faith.’
‘Yeah, but Stephen made it,’ said Julie. ‘And he was the weakest of the bunch.’
‘Stephen never even tried to be strong,’ said Jennifer. ‘It wasn’t important to him like it was to Nick. To Stephen, Michael was so far out in the stratosphere, to be respected certainly, but never to be understood. But Nick wanted to be as strong as Michael and in the end was shattered by his own weakness.’
Julie waved her off from the backseat. ‘I don’t think Michael was so strong. I think he pretended to be strong.’
Jennifer shook her head. ‘No. He was strong through and through. He was invulnerable.’
‘Nobody is invulnerable, Jen,’ said Tully thickly. ‘It’s a myth.’
‘I think you’re reading too much into it, Jen,’ Julie said.
‘Yeah, but unlike with Coming Home, we’re actually able to read something into it,’ said Tully. ‘I agree with Jennifer. Deer Hunter will win.’
‘When are the Oscars?’ asked Julie.
‘Monday, April ninth,’ said Jennifer.
‘Well, we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?’ said Julie. ‘And the loser buys lunch.’
Julie was dropped off first, and when Jennifer parked in front of Tully’s house, she folded her hands across her chest, hung her head, and said, ‘Maybe you like me too much, Tully.’
Tully turned her face away from Jennifer. The fog around Tully was so dense, she could not see well. She blinked, trying to blink back the aching that, like anchors, weighed down her eyes. Shaking her head in short, convulsive strokes, Tully said quietly, ‘I definitely like you too much, Jennifer, I definitely like you way too much, but…’ Tully paused, ‘what does that have to do with anything?’
‘I wish,’ said Jennifer, ‘that maybe you
