would though.
I fly up the stairs and head for her room, then pause in the doorway. Where’s her mobile? I haven’t seen it since before her accident.
I didn’t touch Charlotte’s room for two weeks after she was hospitalised, not one thing – not the mascara-stained makeup removal pads strewn across the dressing table, the dirty bras and knickers kicked under the bed or the magazines scattered across the floor – nothing. I thought that if I tidied up I’d regret wiping all traces of her personality from her room if she never woke up. It sounds ridiculous but I was in shock. How else could I have failed to notice that her phone wasn’t in the clear plastic bag of her things that the nurse handed me? It contained all the normal things she’d take out with her – purse, keys, makeup and hairbrush – but no phone. Why? Like most teenagers she was umbilically attached to her mobile.
Three weeks after her accident, my shock finally dissipated and with it my insistence that Charlotte’s room remain untouched. Instead of seeing the mess as a sign of normality it became a morbid shrine. My daughter wasn’t dead – she was just ill – so I tidied up, ready for her return. And that’s when I found the diary.
I throw open the wardrobe doors and root around in the pockets of some of her clothes. There are several items I’ve never seen before – a jacket that looks like it’s Vivienne Westwood and an expensively cut dress with a VB label. I stare at it for several seconds. What’s Charlotte doing with a Victoria Beckham dress? I push it along the rack and turn my attention to the pockets of a pair of Diesel jeans instead. I’ll have to have a word with Oli the next time I see him.
I close the wardrobe door. The bus driver didn’t mention anything about a mobile phone and neither did any of the other eye witnesses and the police immediately cordoned off the area so if it was lying crushed or broken nearby they’d have found it. So it must be in the house somewhere.
Charlotte must have deliberately hidden it. And if she did that then maybe she had something to hide.
I yank open Charlotte’s sock drawer and root around at the back. Nothing. I tip up the box of folders and school work under her desk and sift through the papers. No phone. It’s not hidden in any of her shoes or boots or secreted behind the novels on her bookshelf. I return to the sock drawer, squeezing each bundle but still find nothing. I search the room for fifteen, twenty minutes, going through every drawer, bag and shoebox but there’s no sign of her mobile.
Where is it?
I reach under the pillow for her diary and flick through the pages. I must have read it ten, twenty times but whatever secret she was keeping, she didn’t share it with her diary. She shared other worries – anxieties about her weight, nervousness about sleeping with Liam for the first time, concern about exam results and indecisiveness about the career she wanted but nothing huge, nothing so terrible she’d consider taking her own life.
I close the book and tuck it back under her pillow. There are no answers here, maybe Liam will have some.
White Street is completely deserted apart from a bad-tempered ginger tom who hisses at us as we walk past. I’ve been to Liam’s house dozens of times but I rarely go in. I normally sit in the car, engine running, as Charlotte rushes in to grab him so I can take them bowling or to the cinema. She never stayed overnight with him and he never stayed at ours but I told her that, if she was still with Liam when she turned sixteen, I’d accompany her to the doctor so she could go on the pill. Then, once it was safe, her father and I would go out for the evening and she and Liam could have the house to themselves. I thought I was being very reasonable (or ‘ridiculously liberal’ according to Brian) but Charlotte told me it was the ‘grossest thing she’d ever heard’ and that, if she wanted her parents to know when she was having sex she’d put an advert in the local paper.
I open the gate of the blue house at number fifty-five. The front garden looks lovely – the beds are awash with colour, not a single weed to be seen. Claire, Liam’s mum, must have been very busy. What I’d give for her green fingers.
I knock lightly when I reach the front door. The curtains are closed in the living room but I can make out the shadowy shape of a person moving about. I knock again, louder this time, and keep an eye on the curtains. A moment later they twitch and a pair of bright blue eyes peers out at me then they’re swiftly pulled shut again. I hear the sound of a wooden floor creaking and then the front door swings open. Liam Hutchinson, Charlotte’s seventeen-year-old boyfriend, stands in front of me in nothing but his navy and white striped boxer shorts. He looks confused, so I smile warmly.
‘Hello, Liam.’
He nods. ‘Mrs Jackson.’
‘Could I come in? I was wondering if we could have a little chat?’
It feels strange to be sitting in the Hutchinson’s living room. I’ve never been in here before and I can’t stop myself from staring around, drinking in the unusual lithograph prints on the walls, the colour-coordinated scatter cushions and the large, expensive-looking rug in front of the original Victorian fireplace. Liam is slumped on the sofa on the other side of the room, his knees spread wide. If he finds this situation odd he isn’t letting on. We’ve been sitting here, sneaking looks at each other, for the last couple of minutes, neither of us saying a word. I rehearsed my opening line dozens of times on my way over but now the time has come to say it, my mouth has gone dry.
‘So …’ I manage at last. ‘You’re probably wondering why I’m here.’
He shrugs. ‘Something to do with Charlotte?’
‘Yes. Have you been to see her? I’m surprised we haven’t crossed paths.’
‘No.’ He picks at the ivory and gold throw covering his chair, plucking out the metallic threads and then dropping them on the floor. His mother will have a fit when she gets home. ‘I haven’t seen her. I didn’t think I’d be allowed.’
‘Really?’ I sit forward. ‘Because you’re not a relative? That’s fine. Friends and family are allowed in and,’ I smile warmly, ‘you’re more than a friend.’
He shifts in his seat. ‘No, I’m not.’
‘Sorry. I meant – you’re her boyfriend.’
‘No. I’m not.’
I frown, certain I must have misheard him. ‘I’m sorry. I thought you just said—’
‘We’re not going out any more.’ He glances away, as though embarrassed. ‘Charlotte dumped me.’
‘No!’
I can’t believe it. Charlotte ended it? Charlotte did? I felt sure that if anyone had called time on the relationship it would have been Liam. She idolized him. Tall, dark, two years older than her, handsome in a scruffy hair-in-his-eyes sort of way and in a band, she’d almost collapsed with excitement a year ago when one of his friends approached one of her friends in the school canteen to tell her that Liam thought she was ‘fit’.
She didn’t give the slightest hint anything was wrong in their relationship although … I look from Liam to the clock on the mantelpiece, distracted by the tick-tick-tick filling the room … and time slips away.
It’s three weeks before Charlotte’s accident – a Saturday afternoon – and she’s just returned from a shopping trip in town. I’m in the living room, reading, when I hear the door to the porch open.
