talk turned more serious as the evening wore on and her in-laws were adamant that Mia should persuade Kiki to let Charlie and Matty come and stay with them for a few days. Mia shook her head, amazed again at their infinite capacity to love and protect her and her family.
Mia climbed the stairs with Pat whilst Bill did his rounds, checking all the windows and doors and switching out the lights. They paused on the landing outside what had always been Jamie’s room and the one they had shared on their visits home. ‘Would you rather stay somewhere else, darling? I never even thought about it but you can use one of the other spare rooms if you would prefer?’
Mia shook her head. ‘If you don’t mind then I think I would really like to stay here. So many lovely memories are just the other side of that door. It’s time I gathered them back around me. It’s strange but spending time with Daniel has helped me face my memories of Jamie, and I can think of him with a lighter heart again. I’m thinking more about our life together than the loss of it for the first time. Does that make sense?’
Pat smiled through her tears and gathered Mia close to her. ‘He loved you so, Mia, always swore that you were the light of his soul. From that very first day that he met you. He came home from school with the stars in his eyes and told me that he’d met his future wife that day.’ Mia smiled through her own tears and bade her mother-in-law goodnight.
She slipped into the familiar space and leaned back against the door. She didn’t need to turn on the light; she knew the layout as well as her room at home. Mia stripped her clothes quickly and crawled under the quilt. She automatically lay on what had traditionally been her side of the bed and turned over to face the empty space that had held her first love.
The tears flowed hard and she tugged one of his pillows down into the bed and curled around it, giving in as the familiar scent of the fabric conditioner that Pat always used opened the floodgates to the past. It was a smell that she would always associate with Jamie and this house, this bed, and she wept until the worst had past.
She knew now that it was best to roll with the storm when it hit, holding it back always made it worse when she finally slipped control of the reins. This way it was spent quickly and calm would return sooner. She cried until a particularly harsh sob made such a huge bubble of snot burst out of her nose that it made Mia laugh at the sheer disgustingness of it.
She rolled onto her back and flipped on the bedside light, fumbling for the box of tissues that the ever-mindful Pat had already placed there. After a good blow, which would put a herd of elephants to shame, Mia calmed her breathing and rolled off the bed. She found her wash kit and pyjamas in her bag and slipped into the clothing and quietly out of the bedroom. She moved across the landing to the main bathroom.
She scrubbed her face hard and cleaned her teeth, feeling much better as she poured herself a glass of water. She hesitated in the hall, as Bill stood shadowed in the master bedroom doorway. ‘All right?’ he asked quietly and Mia gave him a nod and an honest, if slightly watery smile. He narrowed his eyes at her as he took stock before nodding his head once and then retreated, closing the door behind him.
Mia crawled back under the covers, mobile phone in hand. There were another couple of chatty, funny texts from Daniel and she replied with a brief message that she was fine, a little blue, but glad she was there. The phone beeped, signalling a reply.
I miss you
I miss you too x
Sleep tight <3 xxx
You too xxx
Mia placed the phone on the bedside cabinet and turned the light off. She switched the damp pillow next to her for a fresh one and cuddled into it as she played her favourite memories of Jamie through her mind. She stared into the backs of her eyelids and built her favourite images of him.
He was turning back to look at her, always a bit ahead of her due to his long legs and swift step. That was how she so often pictured him. Half turned, hand stretched out towards her, urging her to catch up, his sandy hair blowing in the breeze and his eyes squinting in the bright sunlight. Always in a hurry her Jamie, it had been a source of constant good-natured niggles between them.
He was too fast, she was too slow; he needed to just wait a minute, snails were overtaking her; hurry up! Just wait! To anyone else it might have sounded like an argument but it was one of those private exchanges that every couple had. Their own code, which really said: ‘I love you; I’ll never leave you behind.’
‘I know. I love you; I’ll follow you wherever you lead.’
Mia pressed her face closer into the pillow that she clutched close. ‘I love you,’ she whispered aloud. ‘I’ll always love you, Jamie, and I will always be grateful for the way you rescued me and showed me what it was to love and be loved, to be part of a proper family. I’m sorry we didn’t get to continue our journey together until we could take a picture of our hands together, old and aged, marked like you wanted. I’m sorry we won’t ever have sandy-haired babies and that your parents won’t ever get to hold them and love them as they would have wanted to. I’m sorry for everything, but I’ll never ever regret that you found me and showed me how to be the person that I always wanted to be.’
The image of Jamie in her mind sharpened into perfect focus as he laughed and beckoned her towards him. With an answering whoop of joy, Mia ran towards him and he enfolded her in his tight embrace. ‘I love you, Eunomia Sutherland. You are the light of my soul, the song in my ear, the sun on my face. I always knew from that first day I saw you that you would only ever be loaned to me for a little while. I always knew that you would go on without me; that’s why I was so desperate to catch you and keep you whilst I could. Be happy, Mia, hold me close in your heart, but not too tightly that there isn’t room for anyone else.’ He kissed her hard before he gathered her hand and they walked along the shoreline together.
In that weird way of dreams, they were on the beach at Butterfly Cove, even though Jamie had never been there. Dream Mia didn’t have time for rationalisation. She was just glad to be beside him, their hands clasped, trousers rolled to the knee so that they could splash in the chilly waves that lapped the shore. They walked for hours, talking and reminiscing, and the beach stretched on endlessly. No matter how far they walked, the house stayed just on the horizon. They paused and Jamie gathered her close again. They stood wrapped in each other, their breath in unison, their hearts a matching rhythm, and Mia felt whole again.
Eventually, Jamie leaned back and kissed her softly and oh so sweetly. ‘Time for you to go now, my love,’ he whispered and Mia looked around to see that the steps leading from the beach to the garden were just behind her.
Slightly in shadow but his shape unmistakable, Daniel stood there, hands in his pockets as he waited patiently. Mia turned her head back to Jamie and he nodded and smiled and gestured with his head towards the steps as he took a step backwards. Mia reached for him but he just shook his head and continued to move away from her.
She looked down and her feet were sunk deeply into the sand, holding her in place. She glanced back up frantically and cried out as Jamie was barely visible in the distance. There was a warm presence at her back and she knew it was Daniel. He wrapped his arm around her chest and pulled her back to lean against him. A door banged in the distance.
Mia gasped and her eyes flew open, staring up at the familiar ceiling. She closed her eyes trying to slip back into the dream, to catch another glimpse of Jamie but it was gone. Mia wiped the damp from her cheeks and listened to the creak of the stairs as her in-laws moved around the house. Clearly her subconscious had decided that she needed some closure and had conjured the perfect scenario; although the fact that she had been handed like a baton
