am institutionally challenged.
But I am not defined by what I am not. And understanding this truth is a huge part of becoming whole. I had to stop living in reaction and start letting a vision for what lies ahead pull me forward.
I began to sort out with those around me what God did make me to do. What kept coming up was that my life work is fundamentally creative in nature. And creating has its own rhythms, its own pace. Inspiration comes at strange times when you create. And inspiration comes because of discipline. And discipline comes when you organize your life in specific, intentional ways. It means saying yes to certain things and no to other things. And then sticking to it.
I had this false sense of guilt and subsequent shame because I believed deep down that I wasn’t working hard enough. And I believed the not-working-hard-enough lie because I didn’t function like superpastor, who isn’t real anyway.
So I had one choice—I had to kill superpastor.
I had to take him out back and end his pathetic existence.
I went to the leaders of our church and shared with them my journey as it was unfolding. I told them that if they needed to release me and find superpastor, I understood. If we don’t know who we are or where we’re trying to go, we put the people around us in an uncomfortable position. They are doing the best they can with what they have, but sometimes we haven’t given them much, have we?
And when we begin to pursue becoming the people God made us to be, we give them more and more to go on.
I meet so many people who have superwhatever rattling around in their head. They have this person they are convinced they are supposed to be, and their superwhatever is killing them. They have this image they picked up over the years of how they are supposed to look and act and work and play and talk, and it’s like a voice that never stops shouting in their ear.
And the only way to not be killed by it is to shoot first.
Yes, that is what I meant to write.
You have to kill your superwhatever.
And you have to do it right now.
Because your superwhatever will rob you of today and tomorrow and the next day until you take it out back and end its life.
Go do it.
The book will be here when you get back.
Healing
There are so many layers to the healing of the soul. One practice that has brought incredible healing is the taking of a Sabbath. Now when we read the word Sabbath, most of us think of a day in the week, which is what it is. But I have learned that the real issue behind the Sabbath isn’t which day of the week it is but how we live all the time.
I decided to start taking one day a week to cease from work. And what I discovered is that I couldn’t even do it at first.
I would go into a depression.
By the afternoon I would be so . . . low.
I realized that my life was all about keeping the adrenaline buzz going and that I was only really happy when I was going all the time. When I stopped to spend a day to remember that I am loved just because I exist, I found out how much of my efforts were about earning something I already have.
Sabbath is taking a day a week to remind myself that I did not make the world and that it will continue to exist without my efforts.
Sabbath is a day when my work is done, even if it isn’t.
Sabbath is a day when my job is to enjoy. Period.
Sabbath is a day when I am fully available to myself and those I love most.
Sabbath is a day when I remember that when God made the world, he saw that it was good.
Sabbath is a day when I produce nothing.
Sabbath is a day when I remind myself that I am not a machine.
Sabbath is a day when at the end I say, “I didn’t do anything today,” and I don’t add, “And I feel so guilty.”
Sabbath is a day when my phone is turned off, I don’t check my email, and you can’t get ahold of me.
Jesus wants to heal our souls, wants to give us the shalom of God. And so we have to stop. We have to slow down. We have to sit still and stare out the window and let the engine come to an idle. We have to listen to what our inner voice is saying.9
I was with a friend last week who was abused as a young child. She has never dealt with it. She has never faced it and dragged it up and let Jesus heal her. And so we’re driving along and she’s angry with every other driver and her rage is boiling just below the surface. She has a mystery behind the mystery. Her entire life is affected by what happened to her when she was eight, and she isn’t even aware of it. And when it’s brought up, she brushes it aside.
Why do we do the things we do? Many people react to and are driven by these deep, unspoken forces. They are strong and they dictate huge areas of our lives. And it is possible to be a good Christian and go to church services and sing the right songs and jump through the right hoops and never let Jesus heal your soul.
Perhaps you have been around Christian communities enough to want nothing to do with them, and one of the reasons is the talk all seems so shallow. Like no one is talking about what really matters. I think this is a direct effect of the state of the souls of many pastors and leaders. So many leaders in Christian communities are going so fast and producing so much and accomplishing so much that they become a shell of a person. There is no space to deal honestly with what’s going on deep inside them.
I have seen many leaders who wear their issues on their sleeve. They are raising money to build a bigger building, but the truth is they are still trying to earn their father’s approval. They never unplug their answering machine and take a Sabbath because they still believe their parents’ divorce was their fault. They live in reaction to everybody around them because no one ever taught them to have a spine. They are racked with guilt because they are not doing enough. They are trying to teach people about a way of life that isn’t true of their own life. On a regular basis when I’m with pastors, I’ll ask them if the message they are preaching is the dominant reality of their own life. You can’t believe how many will say that it isn’t.
So my question for leaders—and for Christians everywhere—is, are you smoking what you’re selling?
I cannot lead people somewhere I am not trying to go myself. I don’t have to have arrived, I don’t have to be perfect, but I do need to be on the path. And that’s why for so many the church experience has been so shallow—so many leaders have never descended into the depths of their own souls. They haven’t done the hard, difficult, gut-wrenching work of shining the bright lights on all of the years of baggage and destructive messages.
It is so hard to look deep inside yourself. My experience has been that very few people do the long, hard work of the soul. Maybe that’s why Jesus said the way is narrow.
I’m hoping that wherever you are on your journey, you are tracking with me. I beg you to get help wherever you need it. Go to a counselor. Make an appointment. Go on a retreat. Spend
