bottle up our feelings.
Very few people manage to be assertive in all areas of their life. Some of us manage to be assertive at home but have difficulties at work. Others may be fine when they are working but are unable to assert themselves within their personal relationships.
Why Are We Unassertive?
Those of us who are parents will remember only too well how little fear our new-born babies had about communicating their needs and feelings in an open and direct manner! As babies they may not have acquired the more sophisticated assertive skills of judging whether their demands are fair, or making requests in a calm relaxed manner, but they certainly do not beat about the bush!
| The child is Father to the man. Wordsworth |
Very quickly, however, children learn to adapt their behaviour according to the kind of response their requests receive. They may learn that by behaving as a good, quiet, sweet little child they get the goodies that they need or want. Alter-natively, they may find that shouting, screaming and kicking brings a quicker and more satisfying response.
At school, children also go through the same unconscious learning process. There, they may find that the behaviour that worked best at home does not get the same results at school. They begin to experiment with different approaches and responses. I can remember still the feeling of astonishment I had when I went to my first Parents’ Interview evening at my daughter’s school. The quietly spoken, shy little girl that the teacher was describing seemed so amazingly different from the lively, noisy toddler I had known at home for the last few years!
Of course, my daughter had not consciously adapted her behaviour. She had done so instinctively in response to the world she happened to be born into. Her unconscious brain had been working hard on her behalf without her consent! It had been testing out the environment it found itself in, and then getting down to the business of building into its structure a tailor-made and unique basic ‘operating programme’ to help my daughter survive for the rest of her life. Most of its basic work had already been done in her first year of life, but it would still carry on being fine tuned throughout her childhood.
So our relationships and experiences of these early years are a vital influence on the way we will automatically respond to the world for the rest of our lives. If our demands for physical and emotional nourishment were well met, we grow up expecting them to continue to be met. We do not automatically feel anxious whenever we need to ask for what we need and want. As far as the child is concerned, it’s all a matter of luck. We are ‘blessed’ (or not) with a concoction of genes that will predispose us to become a certain kind of person. We may have inherited shy genes from our grandfather or a fiery, wilful one from our mother. Then we are thrust out into a world that either makes it easy or difficult for us to survive with the temperament we have.
But, as far as parents and teachers, and other carers of young children are concerned, we cannot pass the buck on to luck. How we act in response to this child and its needs will make a lasting impression on its impressionable brain.
In our sophisticated Western society, we generally cater for the physical and intellectual needs of children reasonably well. Catering adequately for their emotional needs on the other hand, is often not so easily achieved.
If we wish our children to grow up into confident, assertive adults, we will need to provide them with the following:
• an example of assertive behaviour – someone who is assertive with them and whom they trust and respect and will want to be like
• love and encouragement – to build up a sense of their own worth
• caring criticism – to enable them to see themselves, their actions, and their demands realistically
• a sense of values – to help them assess their own and others’ rights
• a basic feeling of security – to enable them to experiment with risks and make mistakes.
This is, of course, a very tall order which very few of us can meet. We can take comfort from this proverb:
| He that hath no children brings them up well. |
Of course it isn’t only the influence of our parents that we must examine in order to find the cause of our unassertive behaviour. There are many other factors to take into consideration such as:
• our position in the family – were we the first, middle or last child?
• the influence of other relatives, such as big sisters or brothers
• what sort of school did we go to and how did we get on with the teachers and other children?
• what did we achieve at school and later at work?
• our sex – in our society women tend to be passive while men are often aggressive
• our social class – sometimes money and power make it easier for us to be more assertive though unfortunately they also seem to encourage aggressive behaviour.
Assertiveness Training does not strictly speaking concern itself with the causes of problems but rather with the development of appropriate skills to cope with them. In my groups, however, I am finding it more and more helpful to spend some time looking at this question.
| Assertiveness Training does not concern itself with the causes of problems, but with the development of skills to cope with them. |
Before coming on a course, unassertive people are so busy blaming themselves for being so inadequate that they haven’t given a thought as to how their personal and social background might have affected their behaviour. A little understanding of how we become unassertive can help reduce the feelings of guilt and give your self-esteem and motivation a boost.
Many centuries ago Virgil came to this same conclusion!
| Happy is he who has been able to learn the cause of things. Virgil |
Why Bother to be Assertive?
It is important at the start of any Assertiveness Training programme to be very clear about both the advantages and disadvantages of becoming more assertive.
| When the fight begins within himself the man is worth something. Robert Browning |
Most people register on my courses because they hope that if they learn to be more assertive, they will get more of what they want. Unfortunately, this is not always true.
Assertiveness Training helps us to communicate our needs more openly and honestly but it cannot guarantee that they will be met. Assertive behaviour more often leads to compromise and negotiation rather than an outright win for one party. Often, manipulative,
