the benefit of hindsight I think she was also worried that she would become an invalid and didn’t want to get to the stage where we had to look after her, as well as having to cope with Dad’s increasing aggression, but Alex and I didn’t know anything about the gravity of her illnesses at that stage. She must have believed that if she died social services would become involved and they would make sure we were okay. Again with the benefit of hindsight, I wouldn’t be able to share that confidence.
‘I’m going to leave when you’re sixteen anyway,’ she said in another surprise announcement, but then refused to explain what she meant. I didn’t challenge her because it sounded as though she really meant it and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know any more. At the time I assumed she meant she would make another suicide attempt when I was sixteen, but perhaps she was thinking she would just walk out and leave us. That seems even harder to imagine somehow. The subject was never mentioned again, like so many things in our family. It is hard to grasp just how deeply depressed she must have been, but to try to take her own life was so far out of character that things must have been very bad indeed.
I didn’t know what to think; I just knew I didn’t want her to go. Despite my bravado with Dad when she was around, I was deeply frightened of him and didn’t like being in the house on my own with him – which was one of the reasons why my school attendance record was as good as it was. The only time I can remember being forced to stay at home during a school day was when the arch of my foot collapsed and I literally couldn’t stand on it at all, so I couldn’t even hobble into work with Mum. I had to rest for a couple of days, unable to leave the house, and I was terrified that Dad would get up and come down to the kitchen and I would get in his way and impinge on his territory. Being alone in the house with him was the worst feeling imaginable, because I never knew what would happen if I accidentally annoyed him. While he was still safely asleep I set myself up in the living room with drinks and everything I would need in order to last without having to come out until Mum or Alex got home.
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