traveled to many other remarkable places, but Italy and I, you see, we've had a love affair for almost 20 years. In fact, now that I think about it, my actual romance with Italy is pretty much gone, our relationship remaining profound but in a more platonic way. Sort of like the couple that has lived together so long that things like bad breath no longer matter. Italy and I, we're now old friends.
Once a year, I return to it, like an overused cell phone in need of a good charge. If I were to create my own romantic fresco depicting what I adore most about Italy, it would include the world's finest shoes, pasta, wine, art, gelato, architecture, and (I'm married now, so I'll include this last "element" with a nod to the past) men.
And though my fresco would not include the following, it's not to say they don't exist in Italy (and in fact, sometimes in abundance—especially in certain regions!): aggressive beggars, pickpockets, snobs, hotheads, mobsters, bullies, ingrates, slobs, liars, vultures, and perverts. Yes, they're there. Italy may very well be superior to the rest of the world in most ways, but is indeed just like the rest of us in others in that it is resplendent in its own vermin as well as beauty.
And so it is in response to the latter group, the people who might try to intercept your love affair with Italy, that I equip you with the following hundred-plus insults. Fight back. Be brave. And it's quite likely you'll discover Italy as your lover, too. Just as long as you don't forget, those are my sloppy seconds!
Spelling and pronouncing Italian are easy once you know the few basic rules. The chart below should help give you a feel for the rhythm of the language:
*c and g are hard except when followed by “e” or “i” — to make them hard in Italian an “h” is added.
Double letters “ss,” “tt,” “ll,” etc. are distinctly pronounced — with a slight pause between the two: posso pos-so, gatto gat-to, pelle pel-lay.
Stress usually falls on the next-to-last syllable. We have indicated the stressed syllable with bold in the pronunciation of the phrases.
Never satisfied with the way you experienced Rome as a hostel-hopping pseudo-hippy twenty-something, you've come back to collect. You check yourself into a lavishly-appointed landmark hotel with unobstructed views of the Spanish Steps and Trevi Fountain. Your spanking new suede Ferragamo loafers (the love children of at least five grade-A swine hides) are loving your feet in a way your ex-girlfriend never quite managed. Giving your favorite filmmaker (Fellini) the nod, you sidle up to Harry's Bar and order yourself a bellini. Your living “la dolce vita” (the sweet life) vibe is received loud and clear by the hottest modella (model) in the room. You send her a drink. She returns with a wink. Just as you start to suggest slipping off to a quiet place where you can get to know one another, she whispers into your ear that her "companionship" will run you 500 euros. To top it off, your nosy asshole of a bartender makes a less-than-feeble attempt at concealing his snickers.
What to do:
Remind yourself that you're still the same rock star you were five minutes earlier. The only one poised to lose here is the tender, whose tip was just reduced to zilch (though he might not know it yet). So with your head held high (and comfort taken in the knowledge that your Pratesi hotel bed linens will remain pristinely disease-free), lean toward the bartender and smile conspiratorially as you boast:
What to say:
CHE MINCHIA GUARDI? ANCHE A ROCCO SIFFREDI OGNI TANTO LE COSE VANNO MALE!
“What the hell are you looking at? Even Rocco Siffredi fails sometimes!”
The bartender will understand your full meaning here since Rocco Siffredi is a hugely famous Italian porn star.
It’s appropriate to say this because. . .
You are a stud! And it’s not your fault you’re found irresistible even by society’s “harder-working” ladies.
In the know:
Don’t take home a hooker unless you’re prepared to find yourself behind bars of an altogether different kind! Before 1959, prostitution was fully legal in Italy and occurred primarily inside of case chiuse (“closed houses”). Then the legge Merlin (Merlin law) forced the closure of the case chiuse, displacing many prostitutes onto the streets. Today, understanding Italian laws as they pertain to prostitution can be just as challenging as pairing the right pasta and sauce: while prostitution is not actually a crime in Italy, "aiding, abetting, and, exploiting" prostitutes is!
Most of the prostitutes in Italy are students. The next largest population group? Housewives! Arrivederci, Windex!
EXTRA CREDIT
A few words you may want to know should you unwittingly find yourself engaged in a conversation with a hooker:
SEI SICURA CHE IL TUO PAPPONE SIA D’ACCORDO CON TUTTO QUESTO?
“Now you’re sure your pimp is okay with this?”
LO CONFESSO: SONO ANCORA VERGINE.
“I must confess: I’m still a virgin.”
ERI SERIA QUANDO DICEVI DI AMARMI?
“Did you really mean it when you said you loved me?”
You've been a Madonna fan ever since you were a little girl—and not the Madonna with the He-Man arms and accent thicker than last night's Ragu. The religous kind! So a visit to Florence’s Uffizi Museum is your dream come true. At first, you're only slightly miffed by the young, local, hand-holding couple that keeps positioning themselves between you and each painting you’ve stopped to admire. Then, the handholding turns to petting (you breathe in and out slowly and deeply just like your yoga teacher taught you), which turns to tonguing (your ujai breath is becoming less and less effective), which turns to moaning (all concentration is gone, and you let out an exasperated sigh). By the time their tongue tournament is well into overtime, you realize you can't keep your own mouth closed any longer either.
