tissue out of my purse and blew my nose. A woman who looked to be about my mom’s age noticed and wheeled her cart over. “Everything okay, sweetie?”
I nodded. “The onions get me every time.”
I managed to make it the rest of the way through the store and avoid Mike. I hated that he always looked so good, not a hair out of place. I hated that he always seemed to see me at my worst. Fat clothes, no make-up and bed head. And I hated that I cared he always saw me at my worst. Just once I wanted to feel sexy and beautiful and have him look at me with longing and regret. I wanted him to think, Wow, I really did have a beautiful wife. I screwed up.
To be honest, I didn’t have a lot of self-esteem following the divorce. I blamed myself for not looking better. I told myself that maybe if I wouldn’t have gained so much weight, Mike wouldn’t have found someone else. I knew I needed to get my confidence back. If I could achieve some of the things on my list, such as running a marathon, maybe I would.
I stared at the list and my eyes kept settling on: Have a career I love,
I wasn’t sure I’d ever had a career I loved. I’d had a job, one that allowed me to be off when the kids were so I could take care of them. And when the kids got older and I swapped my job as a school cafeteria monitor for that of an executive assistant, it wasn’t because it was a career I loved, but one that paid more. But today, if I could do anything I wanted, what would it be? I wondered.
Oh, to be young again and have my whole life ahead of me. I had a degree in marketing, but so much had changed since I’d graduated. Listening to Tory talk about behavioral segmentation, SEO, brand social sites and myriad other terms foreign to me made my head spin. The world I’d once studied had changed completely and I was no longer qualified to do anything more than answer the phones. I knew I could go back to school and learn what I didn’t know, but did I want to?
I Googled How to find a career you love. Among the advice I found: leverage your interests, think about what you enjoy that you also do well.
I clicked on a link to take a quiz that would tell me what type of career fitted my personality. I wasn’t surprised to see sales and marketing and business operations and management among the areas suggested.
I realized that, over the years, I’d limited my career options. Practicality and how much money I made had been my primary criteria. But what if they weren’t? What would I be interested in doing if money was of no concern?
I wondered if I was chasing an elusive dream. Did anyone get real fulfillment from their job? I wasn’t sure I could leave my job without knowing what I was going to do next, and yet I imagined how freeing it would be, having time to invest all my energy into finding the next thing. Still, the sense of urgency that would accompany such a bold move might be paralyzing. But if there was ever a time to do it, that time was now. I had to stop letting financial pressures dictate my choices. I really wanted to spend the rest of my life doing something I loved.
I pulled the painted rock magnet out of my pocket and turned it over in my hand. Why not? I thought. Why can’t I open my own boutique? It was on the list.
For the past several years, the city had experienced revitalization with specialty shops and eateries sprouting up along the main corridor. Just recently I’d ventured downtown to buy some handmade soap and saw a beautiful brownstone for sale. My head started spinning as ideas began swirling around, turning my gray matter into bright, bold colors.
My phone rang. It was Shonna. “How’d the gym visit go?”
“Well, I joined. My first workout is tomorrow.”
“You go, girlfriend!”
“Yeah, and then I ran into Mike at the grocery store looking like I’d just crawled out of bed. And I had two zits! Two of them! And of course he looked great. No zits. No wrinkles. No gray hairs.”
Shonna laughed. “Men suck like that. And I have a zit, too. On my chin. Where’s yours?”
“On either side of my mouth. I named them Chuck and Doris.”
Shonna cleared her throat. “After those two jerks at work?”
“Yes, because I’m pretty sure that’s why I have them.”
Shonna laughed. “I’ll have to start naming mine. The problem is they’d all be named Roger.”
“Things still aren’t any better?”
Shonna sighed. “Everything he does is really beginning to annoy me. He doesn’t know how to be quiet in the morning when I’m sleeping. He leaves beard shavings in the bathroom sink. He can’t watch anything on TV unless it’s sports. He’s always putting his hand inside his pocket and scratching his balls. And he says he wants to take me out but never plans the outing. Oh, and this is a good one – he gives observations instead of compliments. It drives me crazy!”
“Give me an example.”
“Okay. Here’s one. The other day I came home and he said, ‘Oh, you changed your hair.’ Instead of telling me that my new haircut looked nice.”
“I didn’t know you got a new do. Send me a selfie.”
“I will but you get what I’m saying, right?”
I laughed. “But all guys scratch their balls.”
“I know, but when Roger does it I’m more annoyed than when I see other guys do it. Enough about Roger. Any list updates?”
I told Shonna about my career research. “Do you love your job?”
I could tell from the pregnant pause that Shonna was thinking about it. “I used to, but I’m not sure I do anymore. Working in non-profit management has paid the bills and it’s been easy for me. But sometimes I regret not going to law school like I’d planned.”
“So what’s stopping you from going now?”
“Well, to be honest, I have looked into it off and on over the years, but it’s incredibly expensive. And now I have two kids, both of whom I’ll be helping with college tuition, pursuing my passion is out of the question.”
I shifted in my seat. “Have you ever talked to Roger about it?”
“Once and he pooh-poohed the idea, telling me it would be a lousy investment because there are so many starving lawyers. After that, I never brought it up again. And, to be honest, I was hurt he hadn’t listened to what I was saying. I tried to explain why it was so important to me, but he only saw dollar signs. Instead of working with me to figure out a way, he shut me down. So why all the job talk?”
“Well, having a career I love is on the list, so I’ve been thinking about what I’d do if money wasn’t an issue.”
“And?”
“And, well, maybe I’d sell the house, move into the city and open a boutique.”
“Wow! You have been thinking about this.”
“Look, Tory is graduating and I don’t need
