this,’ I mutter under my breath.
‘Do what, love?’ Jed asks.
‘This! These family mealtimes. I always thought, you know, that sitting down to eat together means we’re doing something right, that we’re good parents and are functioning as a family, getting on and enjoying each other’s company . . .’ I laugh hollowly.
Finn snorts through his nose.
‘But it doesn’t, does it?’ I rant. ‘It always seems to descend into bickering and shouting like this. Give me one reason, Jed, why family mealtimes are a good thing.’ He opens his mouth and decides to shut it again. ‘The whole concept’s overrated,’ I add, grabbing a dishcloth to mop up a small pool of juice from the table. ‘Sometimes I think we’d all be happier if everyone just foraged in cupboards or picked up scraps from the floor.’
‘Yeah!’ Toby exclaims, banging the table with his fist.
‘What’s foraged?’ Grace asks.
‘It’s when you go out and find food in the wild,’ Jed says quietly, casting me a frown as he gathers up the cutlery.
‘What wild food is there around here?’
‘None,’ Finn says with a smirk. ‘Mum’s just saying it ’cause she’s sick of cooking for us.’
‘No, I’m not.’ I pause, looking around at my children. ‘I’m sorry,’ I add. ‘I don’t mind cooking at all. It’s just sometimes, when everyone’s so picky and critical . . .’ My voice catches in my throat. ‘It’s just been a bit of a day,’ I add quickly.
‘Hey,’ Jed says, squeezing my waist as the children stomp out of the kitchen. ‘Why don’t you chill out for a while? I’ll clear up in here.’ I look at his handsome face: the deep brown eyes, which our three children have inherited, and the full, generous mouth which I loved to kiss, before kissing no longer seemed like the thing to do.
‘It’s okay,’ I say, glancing up at the ceiling. Finn has started drumming upstairs, causing the whole house to reverberate. I’m glad he drums, in that he clearly has musical talent, but occasionally I wish he’d chosen something gentler, like the oboe or flute. I glance at the tragic remains of Toby’s dinner which now looks like a small, collapsed volcano. For some reason, the sight of the unwanted meal – its ingredients shopped for and lovingly cooked – brings a lump to my throat. Ted is lying beside the plate with a daub of gravy on his matted ear.
‘Oh, love,’ Jed says gently. ‘Not still upset about that stupid mums’ race, are you?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘Yes you are. I know you.’ He takes a plate from my hands and sets it on the worktop. I nod, because it’s easier than admitting how crushing it was to see him and Celeste, watching the races, as if she were the mother of our children. I know I’m being paranoid. They work together; they’d come for a meeting, that’s all. ‘Know what you need, darling?’ Jed says gently.
‘A diet,’ I mutter. ‘Did you see all the other mums? How lean and skinny they were? Especially Naomi . . .’
‘Well, she’s obsessed,’ Jed scoffs. ‘She’s a freak of nature.’
‘No she’s not. She’s just fit. And what about Beth? Why did I have to choose someone so athletic and sporty to be my best friend around here?’
‘It’s just the way she is,’ Jed insists. ‘She’s just made that way, love, while you’re, er . . .’
‘I feel so fat and useless,’ I cut in. ‘I don’t know what’s happened to me, why I don’t have any willpower. I try to start diets but on the first day, at the first twinge of hunger, I’m scrabbling about for a snack, a biscuit or something . . .’
‘Then have a biscuit!’ he exclaims. ‘Who cares if you’re not built like a stick? You’ve had three children, haven’t you? You’re normal. You’re fine . . .’
‘Well, I’m sorry but I don’t feel fine.’
He grabs both of my hands and squeezes them tightly. ‘You just need some time to yourself, all right? A day doing, well . . . whatever you want to do. What do you really love doing?’
‘Can’t remember.’ I glare at the floor, sounding like Finn at his most petulant.
‘What about shopping?’
‘I don’t need anything,’ I say, silently mourning my wrecked turquoise sandals.
‘I’m not talking about needing things,’ Jed insists. ‘I mean you could just go out and buy yourself something nice.’
‘Don’t you think I look nice, Jed?’ God, woman, get a grip on yourself. Stop being so damned needy.
He inhales deeply, and I detect a flicker of impatience in his deep brown eyes. ‘All I mean is, if you buy yourself something new, it might make you feel better about yourself. And you’d have a bit of time away from us lot.’
I nod, shamefaced. Jed is instructing me to cast off the shackles of motherhood and spend money on frivolities. If the playgroup mums could hear this, they’d faint with lust. ‘Maybe I’ll go into town on Saturday,’ I mutter.
‘Great.’ He smiles. ‘Celeste was talking about some new shop – some little boutiquey place by the station . . .’
My heart does a mini-thud. ‘I’d rather go into York,’ I say quickly. ‘There’s a lot more choice.’
‘It’s just, Celeste said . . .’
‘I know all the local shops inside out, Jed,’ I bark. ‘The clothes are either for teenagers or people over 150. There’s nothing in between. I’d like to go to York if that’s okay with you.’
‘Of course it is,’ he snaps back. ‘You can go wherever you like.’
I can sense him glowering as I gather up Toby’s Lego bricks from the kitchen floor and fling them into their red plastic bucket. I’m trying not to obsess over this new friendship of his. I haven’t interrogated Jed when he’s come home two hours later than expected, having stayed on to help The Celestial One with her wall display. I have even resisted reading all the texts she pings at him, perhaps scared of what I’ll find.
I march through to the living room to sort out a fracas over whose turn it is to use the remote control. Upstairs, Finn is bashing the life out of his drum kit. A day out on my own, away from all of this: I should be ecstatic. Yet I fear that my patience is stretched dangerously taut, and is about to twang like frayed knicker elastic.
What the jiggins is wrong with you, Laura Swan? I ask myself this question as I drive to York on Saturday morning. Usually, I’d jump at an opportunity like this. A few hours in town without Finn complaining bitterly if I dare to venture into the wrong kind of shop – i.e., one with clothes hanging neatly on rails. Grace is tolerant, as long as we schedule a visit
